Rambodoc at large

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2007-08-25T12:44:00.000+05:30

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SEARCHING IN THE WRONG PLACE!

2007-08-07T19:50:00.000+05:30

I am used to having people search for 'Celine and FTV', 'Condoms', 'vibrating condoms', 'Vibrating condoms-how they work', and enter my blog. Many spend 0:00 minutes in the blog, some do spend decent time, and a few become regulars. I am astonished, however, to note what all stuff people Google for, and where they land. Imagine you searching for a red light area in a new city and you end up spending your evening in a temple!
Today it was 'large scrotum', and someone managed to find me. I mean, not me as a representative of the condition, but this blog. I mean, I have the balls to say what I want to the way I want to, but isn't 'Big Scrotum' a bit too much? I surely can't advertise for that! The search result just before mine was a site in Jakarta that says "He had testicles the size of medium-large potatoes. ... are drugs to kill the parasite but it’s best to take these before the scrotum swells up like this. " Very interesting, I am sure, but he must be talking of filariasis, which doesn't move me.
Today, another search that led into this blog was, believe it or not, 'what is the name of the hole in which the urine comes out of a female?" Fortunately, I was in honorable company, with Addenbrooke's Hospital as the number one hit. This search led to my The Third World post, which dealt with gender benders. Now, I am sure this must be one of the new illiterates, who can press thirty different keystrokes in a blur but only type out sms lang wth min ffrt. On top of that, this person does not even know the hole story of life.
Next, "Botox availability in limerick" led to one of my limerick posts. What do these guys think? That someone will have created a limerick only on 'Botox availability' so that they can use it in their PowerPoint presentations and look less retarded? Unless that person is me, or someone more retarded.
'Antonio villaraigosa is a typical mexican male cheater' was one that I flunked. Just dunno how that hit me.
I am sure there are lots of you who laugh out at some weird searches that found you. I still find some satisfaction in being hit with 'life of a surgeon' (its lots of sex, I mean stress, and makes you less money than good old shopkeeping, trading or lawyering does) , or 'treatment of piles without surgery' (wait till I get my hands on you!), or, best of all, "b. ramana gall bladder surgeon kolkata" (Nothing but the best for you, mate? Hope you are carrying lots of cash!?)
What about you?

A FRUIT-FOOL PURSUIT

2007-08-06T19:21:00.000+05:30

The fruit for which Samir Johna makes a welcome return to this blog is over 11,000 years old, cultivated first in present day Jordan (near Jericho) much before wheat and rice. There are lots of interesting things about the fig.
First of all, this is not really a fruit, but part flower, part seed. Man's dirty mind was attracted to its alleged phallic shape, and it became a religious symbol to the ancient Greeks, and popular with the Romans as well.
Though figs are nutritionally at the top for calcium, fiber, and antioxidant content, my interest is well beyond its physical potentials.
We all know that not giving a fig means not caring a damn. Much like how a sensible man should treat Lindsay Lohan's antics.
In full fig means to be dressed up in smart clothes. Accordingly, figged up means to dress up and look smart.
In marketing, FIGS refer to the market represented collectively by France, Italy, Germany and Spain, which is the target of any company which wishes to break into the European market.
Sometimes, the Devil's print may make the word appear as frig, but I really don't know what it means.

Fig Jam

2007-08-06T03:16:00.000+05:30

Jam made of many fruits is a common denominator in my breakfast meals in the Middle East. Generally, it is used to add sweetness and a preferred flavor to that taste. Making jam is also a reasonable way to deal with the large product that can not be preserved for a long time.

That was the situation in my small backyard when suddenly I had to deal with large amount of juicy, black figs (fig 1). There is only so much you can give to friends and relatives!
Here is what I need to do to make fresh, home-made fig jam in my kitchen.

Materials:
Ripe figs. In this case I used a total of six cups of chopped figs.
Four cups of sugar.
Four tablespoons of fresh lemon juice.

Recipe:

Chop the figs into 4 pieces each.
Place the chopped figs in a large container.

Add the sugar to the figs. Distribute the sugar all over (fig 2).
Leave some 60-90 minutes until the sugar is all wet and mostly dissolved.

Add the lemon juice and mix well (fig 3).

Add the whole mixture into a pot and place over a fire (fig 4).

Start with high temperature until the mixture start boiling, and then take the temperature down half-way.
Until the mixture is boiling, you must stir the mixture gently and continuously to prevent sticking of the mixture to the pot.

Once it is boiling, then you can stir the mixture less frequently.

The jam should be ready whenever you see no more vapors coming out of the mixture!
Let it cool and then place in cans or bottles as required (fig 5).

Serve (after keeping for some time in the refrigerator) on bread and butter, cream cheese, or cheese!
Yummy, Yummy, Yummy.

COP OUT, OR SHOP OUT!

2007-08-05T19:09:00.000+05:30

(Circa: some time in this century, in a hypothetical hospital in Kolkata)
Mohit Bansal was a businessman who normally made his bucks count by selling second hand mobile phones as new ones, in his multiple shops littered in the markets of Kolkata. Nothing made him as happy as when he could clinch a portion of his customer’s bank balance just by the sheer gift of being able to flex the metaphorical muscles of the frontal cortex. As it happened that day, when he was about to scam a couple of thousand rupees from an unsuspecting clerk out on the prowl for a bargain phone, he felt a discomfort that needed a bathroom call. To his shock, he bled blood from his rectum, quite like money from a bride’s tight-fisted father. An alarmed Bansal fled to his family GP, who tried things like Thank God, but to no avail. Bansal was somewhat educated, and did a Google search and came up with an article that seemed to answer his every cry for help. Piles, he read, could be operated without painful cuts, and clean up his health and wealth.
With great trepidation, like how Harry Potter’s creator must have viewed the launch of her first book, he set out to meet a surgeon, with the rather phoren sounding name of Dr. Urs Truly. The surgeon truly did not bat an eyelash, nor did his nasal vibrissae move (as the patient noted indignantly) when he pronounced a need for Bansal to undergo immediate surgery. In fact, it seemed to Bansal that Dr. Truly, the way his myopic eyeballs were popping out, seemed to relish the prospect of chopping up his posterior, and profit from it. In a strange way, Bansal pictured himself at his last sale, when he convinced a college student to part with ten big ones for a Nokia phone that would do a favor on its owner by not exploding by his ear-side, or worse, in his trouser pocket.
When the surgeon, using an irritating matter-of-fact tone, stated the total price tag for the new-fangled surgery, Bansal didn’t know which organ he needed to use to gulp the figure inwards. With the difficulty with which dentists extract an impacted molar tooth, or first time mothers deliver babies obstinate on coming out butt-first, he managed to arrange for the ransom quoted for his surgery.
When he came to the hospital for his admission, he was shown in with great gusto, as if he was the first-ever swindling shopkeeper to grace the linoleum floors of the institution.
As soon as he settled down in his room by 9 pm, a nurse came in and expertly poked in an IV line in several places till she found no fault in one. By this time, his wrists had swollen up enough to bear comparing with that of a pugilist who gets his ears habitually bitten off by Mike Tyson-types.
All night, Bansal fretted, unable to sleep because the darn IV cannula would get stuck in the sheet somewhere the moment his eyes closed. After all, tomorrow morning, 7 am, he was due for surgery.
In what seemed like five minutes after he drifted into sleep, he was woken up by the nurse in a way that is normally reserved for the more exceptional inmate of the Guantanomo Bay facility. When the nurse demanded that he get ready for surgery, he asked to be given a little time for freshening up. He brushed his paan-stained teeth, bled some more in the pan, and drank two glasses of water. The nurse, when she heard of this, behaved in a way as to suggest to Bansal that he actually deserved to be in the American facility north of Cuba. Normally, Bansal was as unflappable as an Indian Airlines hostess, if you could imagine Bansal dressed up in a sari and exposing a two-inch deep umbilicus to the scanning eyes of 456 bored passengers with nothing better to look at. No one told him not to drink water, though the nurse had said ‘No breakfast” tomorrow!
The patient was getting increasingly stressed out at the injustice of putting in an IV channel at 9pm in the evening when the first drug was to be given at 7 the next morning. When he asked the nurse why he had to suffer this through the night, when it could very well have been done just when it was needed, she looked elsewhere and said, “We are only two of us in the floor, and don’t have time for all this in the morning”. That got Bansal’s goat, though he never sanctioned identifying said animal for man’s selfish needs. A brief verbal skirmish ensued, not dissimilar to a tired Hamas-Israeli exchange long after the world had got used to the sound of sundry missiles and all-knowing bunker-busters monopolizing the otherwise silent night. You see, both sides know it is nothing serious, but just like dogs urinate by their favorite lampposts, they both declare their differing positions and sentiments. In Kolkata, Bansal then went one ahead. He questioned the ancestry of the nurse in question, and all nurses in general. By the time the aggrieved nurse went to call her supervisor (one of the blessed breed of women who can still sleep in spite of the milkman, the school-going child, and those unsocial crows who shout abuses at their ilk from across buildings in Kolkata), a Class IV staff came into Bansal’s room. In the classless society that is India, Class IV staffs are those who line up at the time of surgery or discharge for the largesse of satisfied customers. They are to be found outside maternity wards, when a baby is born every time the minute hand of the ancient clock strikes a Roman numeral. At the time of discharge, each ward boy who had served tea in the room even once would line up along the corridor, like a victory salute, looking pointedly at the exiting and excited parents. The parents also know the ‘sistam’ (a.k.a. the ‘shistame’) whereby the Class IV staffs are rewarded appropriately for having successfully helped with the delivery. At least, the parents’ looks suggest that, as do the self-congratulatory expressions on the visages of the ward boys. Digression complete.
Aforementioned ward boy to Bansal: “Saar, shaving karna hai” (“Sir, I’ve come to shave you”)
B: “Theek hai, karo!” (Ok, go ahead).
If you remember, the patient was due for a piles operation. While self-declared modernists like Dr. Urs Truly scoffed at the tradition of shaving patients’ body parts before surgery, the ‘system’ had its way, and the doc was ignored. Surgery meant shaving, doc be damned!
The ‘barber’ pulled up the patient’s shirt, as if to shorn B of his manly growth on his chest and abdomen.
With a dangerous glint in his eyes, he asked, “ You know which part of the body to shave?”
The boy shook his head casually, as if it was quite an absurd question for which he had no time.
A shudder of abuses followed the barber to the restless door. To prepare the patient finally for surgery, a boy from the Housekeeping department came in with a towel: “please sponge yourself”. When the patient asked for hot water for this, the boy came back with a beaker of hot water and poured it into the basin, filling it up. Throwing the towel into the steaming basin, he waited. Bansal looked at the basin, and said, “You expect me to wash myself in the same dirty basin where everyone spits and coughs? What do you think I am, an asshole?”
We don’t know if the boy was cheeky enough to answer in the affirmative, but all Hell , like an environmentalist’s movie on global warming, broke loose.
The patient, clearly, could not take the loss of advancing 50,000 Indian rupees (around $1300) for the operation, and be given such a raw deal in service. He almost empathised, at that moment, with a student who, two months ago, came back to him just weeks after buying a ‘new’ cell phone that now had no display. Bansal had shooed away the student, accusing him of dropping the gadget into his morning coffee or tea, with milk and one spoon of sugar.
Back to the present. Bansal refused to go into surgery, expressing great suspicion as to the behavior of the nurses and ward boys after surgery. He feared that they would take turns in kicking him (in his immediate drowsy post-anesthesia state) after covering him with blankets so that no marks would found of both the surgery and the post-surgical trauma.
Called to the scene of the battle, Dr. Urs Truly did the smart thing. Surrounded by a belligerence of relatives, he just laughed it off. He said they were right in every allegation they hurled, and said the Hospital’s deficiencies were incurable. He asked them to take the patient to his rival’s hospital, where (he assured them) the surgeon and the nurses were brilliant. He said sorry, and shook every hand in sight, till he realized one of them belonged to the bewildered self-professed barber. Smiling ingratiatingly at one and all, with the appearance of an American President waving at a crowd of prospective watch-stealers, he disappeared, leaving behind a feeling of awe in the crowdling. As he turned off the corner, Bansal thought, “Now if I had Him as a partner, I could make my own brand of mobile phone!”
He decided then and there that he would get operated only by Dr. Truly even if he chose to do so under the shade of a tree. He did not believe in being mobile with his requirements!

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

2007-08-02T22:05:00.000+05:30

A surgeon friend of mine tells me a story.
A young 13-year-old girl is being evaluated for a disease no one is able to catch. The clinically astute doc ordered a special x-ray test (the name of which is immaterial) that ultimately clinched the diagnosis and spared her a major surgery. You can well imagine how relieved and grateful the parents would have been. One can imagine these people sending sweets to the doc’s house on Diwali, and expect him to attend the girl’s marriage in the future.
This story, unfortunately, did not quite go along these lines. The twist in the story came in the x-ray room. During the procedure, the x-ray technician fondled the breasts of the young, innocent girl. She asked him why he was doing so. ‘Just adjusting your clothes’ for the x-ray, said the technician. After the procedure, the kid cried out to her mother, who hushed her up (afraid of a scandal), and only much later told the surgeon what had happened. My friend was deeply, deeply offended. "How dare the swine?" he asked the CEO of the hospital. The CEO promised immediate action. The action was not dismissal, for that could cause problems with the Workers’ Union. No, a three-member committee was appointed to investigate the incident. In the meanwhile, the patient (and her parents) went back home, and soon became well with the medicines prescribed by the surgeon. As the days went by, they chose to forget the unpleasantness. They decided never to go to the hospital again. Courtesy their family doctor, they got another surgeon later. Embarrassment avoided.
Our surgeon got busy again with his patients, but still called up the CEO: “What happened to that technician? Why hasn’t he been sacked?”
Now, the technician had genuflexed to the Committee, saying he had a pregnant wife and a small baby, and that “I can’t afford to lose this job, as I am a poor man”. It was obvious to the Committee that sexually deprived as he was, he just succumbed to some "momentary weakness". The hospital was facing a shortage of trained hands capable of doing certain procedures, and the Committee members agreed within themselves that he wasn’t easy to replace. On top of that, bad press was inevitable should the thing get out. They therefore pronounced the whole thing as a mistake and a misunderstanding, and reassured the parents in writing that “strong action” was “being contemplated”.
Bullshitting over, the world carried on with its business. Only the victim of the pressure-cooked male lust, that little girl, remembered it all. She became a timid woman. She lacked normal responsiveness to men. We don’t know what became of her. Another lost nonentity, another collaterally injured victim of sub-human control, of mindless androgenic aggression. And so much more.

CAUGHT IN A WEB OF MY OWN!

2007-08-01T20:52:00.000+05:30

I am now faced with serious issues in my life. No, nothing as trivial as surgery. I have been forced to download Firefox. I use a Mac for all my comp work, and the Safari (version 3.0 beta) was great, I thought. I just bought a domain for a new website, and bought a version that would help me design my own website without professional help. In other words, web designing for dummies at a price (remember, a fool and his money are soon parted!). When I went to try out this WebSite Tonight (a product of GoDaddy), after having paid my $100, I got an error message: "WebSite Tonight does not support your browser (Safari), please use Firefox or Windows XP."
So (eyeballs herniating through orbits, stretching optic nerves to breaking point), Dear Daddy, why didn't you ask me what browser I use before taking my money? You thought I was some stupid asshole who could be conned that easily, eh? Er, how did you know?? (E. Balls replaced in situ, appearance restored from Mutant Martian to Old Fart.)
Anyways, I downloaded Firefox, with its promise of being lightning fast, and have been prompted to download another 24 add-ons that will make life as smooth as, well, Thank God! As one who has looked at new downloads as you would look at a blue, new growth on your nose-tip, I am now in mortal crisis.
Any ideas or suggestions for using web development tools, all ye Web 2.0 Death Eaters?

PUT THAT KNIFE AWAY, DOC!

2007-07-31T12:51:00.000+05:30

If you are interested in health, or if you or your near ones are potential surgical candidates, I strongly urge you to spend five minutes reading this article.
This article talks about avoiding surgery, when other, less invasive options, exist. I have previously mentioned how surgeries for weight loss, back pain and for suspected appendicitis are tilted in favor of the knife-wielder. Surgery has a great role to play in many of the cited instances, but the option should only be exercised as the best option, not the first option. As David Dent, a learned South African academic surgeon, once said, "The patient comes to the surgeon for an opinion, not for an operation".
Alas, most of us (surgeons) don't realise this!

SECOND LIFE: DON’T WAGER ON IT!

2007-07-31T08:53:00.000+05:30

I am sure most of the millions of my loyal readers across the Milky Way have not heard of Second Life. This, a creation of Linden Labs, is a virtual world (current strength: 8 million) where you become a resident by signing up. Just like in the real world, you then buy land (from a small house to an island), weapons to defend it, transport to visit other places, etc. You can create any object under the virtual sun and sell it to others.You meet other people and interact with them like you would choose to in real life. How anyone would want to risk making a new mother-in-law is beyond me, but I guess it takes all sorts….
To come back to the point, in Second Life, you kind of live a parallel life, and use the virtual Linden Dollar as the currency for trades. If you want to buy a pretty girl a diamond necklace hoping that you would give you online bed-space, you spend in Linden dollars. Where will these things come from? You have to buy them, with real US dollars! That is the brilliance of this business: it is no longer true that only a fool and his money are soon parted; this is now a general truism. Once you get passionate about your virtual world, with its neighbors, friends and other properties, you start spending real money to get pleasure or property.
So now, if you want to create a huge casino where other residents would be tempted to come in and blow away their money, you need to spend a few Linden dollars. But, hey, wait a bit, this has just become illegal!
In what could spell the death knell for Second Life, virtual gambling in Second Life has been banned by the US Government, parallel to the ban on all forms of online gambling in October last year. I go frog-eyed at the concept: the US, a bastion of individual freedom for three centuries, has banned a gaming activity, which is strictly speaking, none of its normal business. I mean, this is not about screwing pages, interns or Washington madams, or even firing at the wrong people, so why are they interested?
Turns out that people will always give a twist to good things and make things real!
Second Life is under a cloud because intelligence anticipates or fears that terrorists could transfer money across the globe through virtual transactions (after all, you have to buy Linden dollars with real money if you want to gift or buy things). Child sex abuse is also alleged to have happened in Germany. Of course, people suing one another for ‘copyright’ violation of their virtual products is also a reality.
Individual rights have to be balanced in relation to national security and law-and-order. But there are too many occasions for the State to squash individual rights in the name of national security or law. Take China, for example. I believe this is a similar instance. This is all very regrettable. As someone who has never lost money or time gambling, I feel the pain of those deprived of it. Virtually, actually!

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-28-07

2007-07-28T23:32:00.000+05:30

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush is having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy -- I'm telling you, it's just one probe after another (David Letterman)

President Bush had a colonoscopy over the weekend...Apparently there were concerns about another White House leak. (Jim Barach)

Homeland Security will now allow mothers to take breast milk on airplanes. Under previous Bush administration guidelines, it was allowed on board only if still in the original container. (Bob Mills)

The NFL’s Michael Vick is indicted for dog fighting, the NBA’s Tim Donaghy is accused of fixing games he refereed, the leading team in the Tour De France was caught blood doping, and Barry Bonds is under federal investigation for perjury. You know things are bad when the classiest act in pro sports is boxing’s Don King. (Alex Kaseberg)

One more scandal and Americans could actually start watching soccer. (Jay Leno)

In the battle of the train wreck stars, it seems to be Lindsay Lohan ahead of Andy Dick, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul and David Hasselhof . How far ahead? Due to the cocaine they found, Lindsay is leading by a nose. (Alex Kaseberg)

NBA referee Tim Donaghy agreed Sunday to testify against the mobsters for whom he fixed NBA games. A betting scandal could delay league expansion plans. There's now concern that an NBA team in Las Vegas could seriously erode the town's moral fiber. (Argus Hamilton)

The so-called Moore's Law says computer chips double in power every two years. Another Moore's law says that every two years Michael Moore will come out with a new movie containing twice the exaggerations of his previous film. (Scott Witt)

A 75 year old Swedish woman has been given the fastest residential Internet uplink in the world. The 40 gig per second Internet connection can download a full length movie in two seconds. If my wife had that kind of connection, I would own everything offered on eBay within five minutes. (Jim Barach)

Homeland Security honcho Chertoff claims to have a "gut feeling" a terrorist attack is imminent. And, as one would expect from such an unqualified nitwit, has raised the threat level from "Tagamet" to "Maalox." (Caboom)

CBS is launching a new music label, reviving the name of CBS Records. To which all people under 30 years old are saying "What's a record?" (Jim Barach)

THE CANDIDATES

C-Span viewers were surprised Wednesday afternnon to see Senator Hillary Clinton talking on the Senate floor wearing a black top and revealing some cleavage. This is not the first time a Senator showed that cleavage. Apparently Senator Ted Kennedy once flashed his man boobs when his shirt unbuttoned. (Pedro Bartes)

Democratic candidates tried to tout their national security credentials Monday in South Carolina. It's a hopeless venue for them. Rudy Giuliani's been unbeatable in South Carolina ever since it was discovered that his first wife is also his cousin. (Argus Hamilton)

Disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called the current crop of GOP presidential candidates "a pathetic bunch of pygmies." Three of the Seven Dwarfs immediately demanded an apology. (Bob Mills)

We're learning more about possible Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson, the former U.S. senator who plays the DA on "Law & Order." Apparently, he decided his first marriage was illegal because nobody read him his rights first. (HaBlog)

John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a 'barber shop.' He was horrified to hear that story. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton was in Miami Sunday to speak to the conference of the National Council of La Raza. During her speech, Hillary highlighted her close personal and professional relationships with prominent Hispanic leaders. She even married Don Juan. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton is working hard to win the women's vote. They say her campaign has six full-time staffers just for women's outreach, and another six full-time staffers to keep women out of Bill's reach. (Jay Leno)

The Washington Post style section lectured Hillary Clinton Friday for showing cleavage during Wednesday's Senate debate. It was tough. She had to sprinkle glitter on her throat to distinguish herself from all the other boobs sitting in the chamber. (Argus Hamilton)

Fred Thompson fired his campaign manager Monday because he didn't get along with his trophy wife. She's forty years old and every article about her says she's too young and too sexy. Now every woman in America wants to marry a presidential candidate. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani is probably going to be the next president of the United States because it's all about image. He's got the big anti-terrorist image. On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife, whoever that may be at the time. Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote. (Bill Maher)

In a speech about foreign policy yesterday, Rudy Giuliani said that America needs to focus more on Pakistan. Giuliani says he knows more about Pakistan than the other candidates because he spent so much time in New York City cabs (Conan O'Brien)

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards went bicycle riding with Lance Armstrong at an Iowa event Wednesday. The personal injury attorney told reporters that he doesn't ride a bicycle very often. It's hard to catch an ambulance on a bicycle. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is in the hospital for food poisoning. You ever see Kucinich? Doesn't he always look like he always has food poisoning? (Jay Leno)

THE DEBATES

Democratic Party presidential candidates debate tonight in Charleston. Internet users were invited to submit questions to the candidates over the Web. It could the first political debate in history to directly address the concerns of sexual predators. (Argus Hamilton)

It got a little testy at the debates the other night, where Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with leaders of countries hostile to the United States. And then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being 'naive.' Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would forsake all others til death do you part? (Jay Leno)

When asked what he thought of Monday's YouTube presidential debate, President Bush said he liked their music but that lead singer Bono was Irish and thus ineligible to vote. (Janice Hough)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve? (Jay Leno)

Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Constitution Saturday morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Saturday jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush’s dog to retrieve. (Andy Borowitz)

This weekend, President Bush was unconscious -- even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby (Stephen Colbert)

Democrats said today they will subpoena the five polyps discovered during President Bush's colonoscopy. "We just want to make sure," says Senator Harry Reid, "there were no polyps of mass destruction." (Joe Hickman)

US President George W. Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy Saturday. It was a simple procedure in which a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube was inserted through the anus to examine the colon. Unfortunately doctors could not retrieve the camera because they could not find an exit strategy. (Pedro Bartes)

Bush underwent a colonoscopy at Camp David. To explain the procedure in terms he could understand, doctors told him they were using a wand "just like the one Harry Potter uses." When they tried to explain their exit strategy, he had no idea what they were talking about. (Bob Mills)

On President George W. Bush's recent colonoscopy: White house spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure “President Bush was asleep but responsive”. So how is that different than any other day? (Jay Leno)

The five polyps removed during President Bush’s colonoscopy were benign, which is a coincidence because Bush’s approval rating will soon be nine. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Bush transferred the powers of his office to Vice President Dick Cheney for two hours Saturday while under sedation for a colon-cancer screening. When Bush woke up we were at war with Iran, Syria and Venezuela. (Pedro Bartes)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney used his brief period as acting commander-in-chief to good advantage. While President Bush was under sedation for a colonoscopy, Cheney ordered his way to the head of a line to buy the latest Harry Potter book. Then, after Bush regained consciousness, Cheney did as he'd done with the previous Potter books -- he read it to him. (Scott Witt)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A New Jersey nurse has been sentenced to life in prison for killing and dismembering her husband and stuffing his body parts into a set of matched luggage that washed ashore in Chesapeake Bay. If she had just thought to check them at Delta, she'd be a free woman today. (Bob Mills)

SPACE & NASA

NASA says it's worried that two Mars Rovers could be knocked out of commission by severe Martian dust storms. Scientists say they never saw dust storms like this on the Red Planet. It just proves that even solar-powered cars can't save your climate. That's the least of their problems. When Michael Vick heard that there were two Rovers on Mars he tried to set up a fight between them. (Argus Hamilton)

At least twice, astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk. Be serious! Who are they going to hit? Heck, in outer space it's even safe to talk on your cellphone. I wouldn't want 'em docking with the space station while drunk and talking on their cellphones. (HaBlog)

"Aviation Week & Space Technology" magazine reported that they'd found out about two NASA astronauts who went up into space completely drunk. Apparently that was the only way NASA had to convince the astronauts to go to space in a space ship that was created in the 80's. (Pedro Bartes)

IRAQ

Thousands of jubilant Iraqis celebrated in the streets of Baghdad after their national soccer team beat Vietnam 2-0 in a quarterfinal match of the Asia Cup. President Bush was wondering if those two goals could be counted as two more accomplished benchmarks. (Pedro Bartes)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China executed the government administrator in charge of the nation's internationally condemned food and drug quality last week. The execution was grisly. A squad lined him up and gave him a choice between eating the catfish and using the toothpaste. (Argus Hamilton)

China continues to recall products that can be harmful to your health, but at least it's keeping consumers informed. This warning was found in a fortune cookie: "If you've eaten this cookie, it's too late." (Scott Witt)

India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer. (Jay Leno)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

A Mexican candy has been recalled after containing traces of lead, in a sign of Mexico’s ongoing effort to compete with China’s candy industry. (Andy Borowitz)

HEALTH

The New England Medical Journal said Tuesday obesity is a socially transmitted disease. It's more visible in some places than others. No hurricane or tornado will ever blow away the Las Vegas Airport because it's so weighed down with Americans. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

The seventh and final Harry Potter book comes out on Friday night at midnight. It’s supposed to be top secret, but apparently someone got a hold of the book and took pictures of every page and posted them on the Internet. The publishers are worried it could hurt sales, which is terrible news because now the author, J. K. Rowling, might not be able to buy Puerto Rico. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out Friday at midnight with hundreds of thousands of children lined up at the bookstores. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Michael Vick's favorite book as a kid was Old Yeller, because he loves a happy ending. (Argus Hamilton)

MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. (Conan O'Brien)

In the Emmy nominated HBO show "Entourage" they're making the movie "Medellin." To which an NBC exec asked HBO; "What the heck is that?" "Medellin is a drug cartel" HBO replied. "No", said the NBC exec; "What's an Emmy?" (Alex Kaseberg)

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is a hit about two straight men who pretend to be gay lovers to get health coverage. It's tricky. Sodomy is acceptable to the average American moviegoer only if it's performed by an experienced insurance company. (Argus Hamilton)

"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" was roundly "pronounced lousy" by critics. In fact, it's so bad, Adam Sandler reportedly asked Robin Williams, who plays a minister in the equally dreadful "License to Wed," for a dispensation. (Bob Mills)

"I Know Who Killed Me" is out in theaters this weekend. Lindsay Lohan’s character is a departure for her. In many of the scenes, she must act sober. (Alan Ray)

The producers of the hit show "24" have announced the production will be more environmentally friendly in the future, which means Jack Bauer will be only be blowing up oil companies from now on. (Jake Novak)

CELEBRITIES

Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car. (David Letterman)

Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday on DUI charges and cocaine possession. The problems for Lindsay arose when the cops suspected she was drunk, decided to do a sobriety test and asked her how she would do on a straight line, and Lindsay said: "Let me show you, do you have a mirror?" (Pedro Bartes)

Just days after leaving rehab, Lindsay Lohan has been arrested and charged with drunk driving and cocaine possession in Santa Monica. After seeing what it did for Paris Hilton's image, Lohan obviously has decided she needs a few weeks in jail. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

The Vatican says it may drop a prayer for the conversion of Jews from the Latin Mass. It will be replaced with a prayer for Catholic priests to convert to heterosexual. (Jim Barach)

The Los Angeles Diocese of the Catholic Church has settled more than five hundred priest molestation lawsuits for $660 million. The settlement was going to be $666 million but they thought that might give the church a bad image. Insurance companies are paying out $227 million of the settlement. The church bought sex abuse insurance. I'm just curious why a church would even think of carrying sex abuse insurance? How the church got sex abuse insurance is a mystery. Shouldn't they have been disqualified for having a pre-existing condition? (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS

Disney has banned tobacco products from all future movies carrying the Disney logo. Which explains why Snow White was recently spotted at a film premiere wearing a skin patch. (Bob Mills)

For only the second time in history, McDonald's is reporting a loss -- something people who eat its high calorie food have never done. (Scott Witt)

Purdue Pharma L.P., the maker of OxyContin, and three of its executives were ordered Friday to pay a 634.5 million fine for misleading the public about the painkiller's risk of addiction. Apparently they already recovered the money after Rush Limbaugh and Lindsay Lohan made their weekly OxyContin shopping last Saturday. (Pedro Bartes)

Virgin America announced service from San Francisco to Los Angeles Friday. The low-fare airline offers in-flight movie rentals. It's only a thirty-minute flight but planes now sit so long on the runway that Gone with the Wind will be complimentary. (Argus Hamilton)

BEAUTIFUL GREECE

2007-07-28T19:42:00.000+05:30

I have covered Greece in several posts before. This is my last one, and I will spare you my verbiage, letting my simple digi-cam speak for me.

That is the ugly Indian tourist sated at a nice restaurant.

Asleep in Athens.

Weary of tourists in Plaka, Athens.

A Bar in Plaka, Athens.

Santorini

Santorini

A typical Greek sunset.

Athens at night.

The Third World

2007-07-27T20:00:00.000+05:30

Indians have a few million Gods and Goddesses, and can’t get enough of them, it seems. An infant with both male and female genitalia is being showered unwanted attention in Ball-sore (Orissa), and being thought as a reincarnation of Lord Shiva and Parvati.
To expose the phallacy of this intro, read this news article.
Scientifically speaking, this is old hat. Ambiguous external genitalia is not very rare (may be seen in up to 1% of all births), but true hermaphroditism (where both testicular and ovarian tissue are present) is less common. Contrary to popular notion, the ‘main point’ of the male is not the penis, but the testicles. Similarly, the vagina or the clitoris in the female are not the determining female organs, but the ovary is. External genitalia can be confusing (ambiguous): if the baby’s testicles have not descended at birth, how can one say whether it has a large clitoris or a small penis? I hope you get this answer! If it a large clitoris, the urinary passage is separate, whereas in the male with a small penis, the urine goes through it. However, things become more muddled in the condition known as Hypospadias, where the urinary passage in male babies opens through the scrotum. Now imagine a tiny scrotum without any balls in them, and a small hole through which urine comes out: could it not be confused with the female anatomy?
This is one of several reasons why there is confusion in identifying the gender of some cases.
Apart from the morbid imaginations of the mind, there are some interesting issues here:
* What should the parents do? Surgical reassignment surgery (popularly called sex change operation) is an obvious option. However, whether to make the baby a boy or girl becomes a troublesome issue. Imagine that one (surgically) makes the baby physically a female, and when ‘she’ grows up, she wants to be a boy (because ‘she’ feels like one). What a disaster that would be! For this reason, many experts counsel that the sex change operation should be done when the child grows up and its sexual orientation is clear, along with its choice.
* Imagine again, that the parents of a baby of undetermined sex opt to wait for the child to grow up. How horrible would the child’s growing years be, without it having an idea of what gender it is, and having to cope up with brutal teasing and harassment at home and school!
* Should society officially declare three, and not two, genders: the third being the intersex? Makes you wonder whether these people (we should really coin a word similar to ‘ladies’ and ‘gentlemen’ for them) would visit, after watching a movie, the male toilet or the female!
India being such a reserved country, should we keep away 1% of Parliament seats and 5% of educational seats for the third sex? Should we ban sex determination by preventing doctors from telling the parents what the sex of the baby is? What if the upset parents, upon hearing that they have given birth to a girl, commit murder of the child? (you really have to click that link to understand the irony of this!)
The whole purpose of this article was to engender some discussion by testicling your imagination!

Friends united by fat!

2007-07-26T21:42:00.000+05:30

Here is some more weird news about obesity. According to an article published in the New England Journal of Medicine, obesity tends to occur almost in synchrony within the same group of friends, even if they are in another country. Here is a news article on this.

If you are the snooty sort who likes to access the original research paper, here is how the authors say they did the study:
"We graphed the network with the use of the Kamada–Kawai algorithm in Pajek software. We generated videos of the network by means of the Social Network Image Animator (known as SoNIA). We examined whether our data conformed to theoretical network models such as the small-world,10 scale-free, and hierarchical types (see the Supplementary Appendix, available with the full text of this article at www.nejm.org)."
Understood, na? Easy! SoNIA, and yet, SoFa!

Want more? Here, take this:

"The use of a time-lagged dependent variable (lagged to the previous examination) eliminated serial correlation in the errors (evaluated with a Lagrange multiplier test) and also substantially controlled for the ego's genetic endowment and any intrinsic, stable predisposition to obesity. The use of a lagged independent variable for an alter's weight status controlled for homophily. The key variable of interest was an alter's obesity at time t+1. A significant coefficient for this variable would suggest either that an alter's weight affected an ego's weight or that an ego and an alter experienced contemporaneous events affecting both their weights. We estimated these models in varied ego–alter pair types."

Capital, my dear chaps! I couldn't have put it better, myself! Nothing does the old noodle as much good as a good, invigorating read of the NEJM's original scientific papers! Of course, for those surgeons who are too lazy to read such articles, there is always this blog, or the wires!

Another day in a surgeon's life

2007-07-26T19:10:00.000+05:30

They say a surgeon is remembered only for his complications. One bad day, one stroke of bad luck, and all his good work is forgotten. Years of dedicated and successful work comes to nought. So, me thinks, if you get some sunshine on your head for some good work, you better feel you are one lucky dog you aren't in the news for the wrong reasons, right!?
Times of India, Kolkata, page 5 (free registration may be required).
(And, of course, the photo is grossly unjust to both patient and surgeon!)

DOPED OR DUPED?

2007-07-25T14:56:00.000+05:30

This year, another doping scandal has hit the famous cycling event, the Tour de France. Last year, the superstar Floyd Landis was disgraced when he was accused of doping with testosterone. He initially claimed to have the same problem faced by others like the notorious blogger, Dr. Urs Truly, namely, an un-naturally high level of testosterone that is considered impermissible by society.
Doping is, as all of us know, the taking of prohibited substances that can enhance performances in sports. These include blood, blood producing substance Erythropoietin, anabolic steroids, diuretics, and so many more.
The first recorded case of doping was in the eighth century BC when Ancient Greek Olympians ate Ram’s testicles (ouch!), thereby getting a fix of testosterone, presumably. Through the centuries, countless other cases took place, including the historic dethroning of Canadian Ben Johnson who won the 100m sprints in the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Guilty of doping Stanazolol (an anabolic steroid), Johnson was disgraced and replaced by Carl Lewis. And let us not forget that Shane Warne, the legendary Aussie leg spinner lost one year, for doping diuretics.
Why the blog, you wonder?
Because, simply put, I think the world is wrong. I think there is nothing essentially wrong with taking performance-enhancing drugs. In a way, every athlete does try this when he eats loads of proteins and vitamins, which could enhance performance. Anyone can get stimulated by a cup of coffee, for another example. Or feel less pain with a painkiller or a shot of alcohol. There are many agents with potential adverse effects on the consumer’s health that are banned from use. Every sports agency in the world prohibits doping. And every year, great athletes test positive, get disgraced, and fade away, never to be seen or heard again.
What is essentially wrong if performance is enhanced? It may give an unfair advantage to the user, perhaps, though I am not aware of any scientifically conducted trials that prove this. It is, therefore, possible that these drugs are thought to be enhancers, but not actually so. In effect, this means that those great athletes who have been banished from the honor roll of history may not actually have committed any crime at all, beyond breaking a rule. Big effing deal!
Contrary to popular belief, drug intake may actually affect health negatively and cause weakness. Try taking a diuretic, and feel the difference! Left to themselves, once science disproves the notion that additives are of no use, athletes will not use them. Contrarily, once specific drugs are proven to be enhancers, everyone would use them.
There is, in my mind, no other moral locus standi to banning these drugs other than a cry for equal opportunity and egalitarianism, all catchwords for not allowing people to scale the heights possible to mankind. For an interesting article, look here. Look at countries that have sophisticated training centers, psychologists and sports physiologists: don’t their sportsmen do better than Indian and Bangladeshi athletes? Should we bring their preparation down to our level so that there be ‘fair’ competition? When they eat loads of meat and fruits, are the athletes not artificially pumping in iron, proteins, minerals and vitamins? Then why the hypocrisy of disallowing sportsmen from taking drugs that would (at least theoretically) take sports performances to a new level?
Do the top honchos of these Olympic Associations not take Viagra at a big night out (or in)? Why, is that not performance enhancement??
Update (26.07.07): Tour de France leader thrown out

PREMARITAL TESTING: SHOULD IT BE MANDATORY?

2007-07-24T15:35:00.000+05:30

Sree of Sris’ Views poses a problem to us, while handling the divorce case of a couple that are both dentists. 'The wife is asking for divorce on the grounds that the husband did
not reveal the fact that he has 'tuberous sclerosis'. After she gave birth, finding white patches on the baby’s skin, she ran a long list of tests and it was then that the disease was diagnosed”, she says. This is the ground for their divorce case now, she says.
Sree wonders whether premarital screening of the partners for diseases should be mandatory.
So, here is an interesting poser: should we routinely screen for diseases (pre-nup), and if we do, which diseases should be screened, and what are the pros and cons of this?
First see what the world is doing: countries as diverse as China, Taiwan, Italy, Turkey and Brazil are among those states where premarital testing is warranted by law. Most of the rest of the world knows nothing about this, or isn’t too worked up.
You can read an interesting article on this subject here.
Among the tests that can be done are HIV, Hepatitis B, syphilis, other sexually transmitted diseases, German measles (rubella), and a load of others. Physical examination, including vaginal examination of the bride-to-be (and ball-squeezing of the groom to make this non-discriminatory), and urine tests are also done, apart from a detailed history-taking to rule out psychiatric and other problems.
Only if the couple is granted a clean chit of health are the Chinese allowed to marry. In modern days, detailed genetic screening can be done to screen for traits for genetically transmitted diseases (like tuberous sclerosis in Sree’s client), leading to the concern that creation of these designer babies will be a form of eugenics.
Sounds like a good thing, isn’t it? Screen couples for diseases, and thereby prevent new diseases like thalassemia and AIDS from affecting newborn babies. In addition, teach the couple some sex and health education, and parenting, too. Good for the couple, and profitable for the society, right? Wait just a bit there!

There are several glitches in making premarital medical screening mandatory. Like what?
1. The rights of the couple are violated, if the tests are done by fiat, without their consent. In the third world, this means more corruption.
2. The costs: who is going to pay for the tests? In China, the couple pays for the tests. For poor patients, imagine how painfully impossible it would be for them to comply.
3. Test results can sometimes lead to wrong conclusions. There are false positives and false negatives. Chasing more tests to confirm a test for TB, Hepatitis B or HIV, for examples, will cost a lost of money.
4. Privacy violation can stigmatise a person for life: for example, if someone spreads a rumor that a girl tested positive for thalassemia, she would be penalized by her society forever on that count alone, as if thalassemia were a contagious disease!
The solution to this, I think lies with society becoming more smart and enlightened. If people become aware of genetic and transmissible diseases that they want to avoid in a marriage, they must mutually agree to each undergo a battery of tests to that purpose. As genetic testing becomes more sophisticated, and society more aware and affluent, this will surely become more germane an issue in the coming years.

Want to smoke? Go to hell!

2007-07-23T20:43:00.000+05:30

India (and I mean the State) has now determined that tobacco is a vile evil that needs to be driven out of it. I am sure that Union Health Minister A Ramadoss has absolutely purely altruistic reasons for his decisions, and his getting awarded by the WHO for anti-tobacco activities has nothing to do with a desire for more of the same. Now the Minister wants 65% of his male population (the smokers) to come out on the roads, or go home, and smoke. If he had bothered asking the Public Works Minister he would have been warned that there are not that many roads and homes in India to accomodate these many guys. He wants the men to smoke at home, but only if the maidservant (as his employee) permits. Er, what happens if I defy your order, sir?
“All places of work in the country will be declared smoke -free and those found flouting the law will be strictly punished. This rule will apply wherever there are employees working”. Yeah, like how people wanting to smoke in trains walk till the coach where all the Railway Police chaps sit and smoke bidis.
Smoking in public is bad for others' health, as science says. However, smoking within one's private property has to be within one's individual rights, and if there are others within one's private space, their right to breathe clean air is secondary at that point of time to the right of the owner to allow smoking. The non-smokers have to put up with it, or go to a place which is smoke-free. It is a different thing in a public space. In other words, banning smoking in restaurants and pubs, which are the property of individuals, is violating their rights as individual property owners.
As always, smokers are milch cows for politicians, because women voters will support anti-smoking activities (at least in India, where ladies don’t normally smoke), and revenues from taxation will continue to pour in. It has been proposed to discriminate against smokers for elective surgery in Government hospitals under the NHS, which I have discussed in an article in The Telegraph.
I have no particular axe to grind for smokers, but I am opposed to social engineering by the State anywhere. This is now a holy cow the world over. I have a whacky thought: when man colonises the moon, will smoking be disallowed even in outer space? What about Hell? Hello??

Back on Track!

2007-07-22T06:01:00.000+05:30

If you are in an Indian train and want to smoke but are too scared to, just walk till the coach where all the Railway Police chaps sit and smoke bidis. That is the written smoking zone, because they stand right beneath the stern signs promising eternal damnation in jail for even thinking of cigarettes. If law makers think the Law is in the toilet, just can it, yaar! At this rate, the Railways cops will get so bribe-rich that they will be able to afford my surgery, I can't help thinking. Now it is another matter that I am mostly unable to travel in trains these days, though I absolutely love the combination of the exotoxin-demo-model food packet and the gas chamber that they quaintly call a toilet. Lots of people also feel get free exotoxin demos, and the resultant Kumbh Mela to the toilets makes it look very cultural (bacterial culture, presumably, though no studies have assessed this), very La-loo. As I said, I love this pottic justice. Before I dig further in this toil yet, I must stop these lateral excretions of the mind. Reminds me that there is a smart bowler in the England cricket team called Sidebottom. How he manages, I don't know. If he comes into one of these Waterlaloos (say when going from Kolkata to the Keenan Stadium, Jamshedpur for a match), he would find it so easy. Like those delightful guys from the Western states of India who squirt 168 ml of paan juice a clear six meters away in one visually appealing parabolic curve, and just like those fountains in Disneylands that suddenly squirt water six meters up from the ground in a short epileptic jerk. 'Spity! Disney could employ these guys instead. Imagine the awe with which fat kids from all over the world will go to Disneyland (ice creams melting in lingual neglect) just to watch the Patels, Jaiswals and Jhanjharias play rallies with paan juice. And for an additional dollar-forty, you can even see how they can do this, both of them, while talking simultaneously on the cell phone and driving their long cars. If your head is periodically used as a replacement when superstitious people want to touch something for luck, the import of the above is to wonder that if these guys can put two fingers on their lips and squirt like a cobra of the genus Naja, it spans the imagination as to how they will manage the exotoxin-induced diarrhea in an Indian train journey. There should a video of this in You Tube.
Let us, however, get back on track to Side Bottom. Now, this is getting assinine, and before the bottom drops out, and the pungent odors of my wordsmith-ry with moreass words reek, let me plug the verbal diarrhea, just like when I travel in an Indian train. Screw Side Bottom, I got sidetracked!

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-21-07

2007-07-21T20:21:00.000+05:30

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Bush's approval rating is so low, the only thing he's still above is the law. (Jay Leno)

Last night, down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam's slowest night ever. (David Letterman)

The Republicans were saying, "Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq." And I'm thinking, "Well hell, chaos would be an improvement." (David Letterman)

During an interview Senator Hillary Clinton said that few times would she say something that she would regret because she thinks twice before opening her mouth, and Bill just nodded. (Pedro Bartes)

Pope Benedict XVI approved a statement issued by the Vatican reaffirming the Roman Catholic Church as the only true path to salvation, especially if you are one of the people that got $1.2 million in the latest settlement for clergy abuse. (Pedro Bartes)

Fox News is now reporting that there are people in the CIA who are working against President Bush's policy by using incompetence. So apparently, they are fighting fire with fire. (Jay Leno)

The State of California is considering an 8% tax on pornography. 8%? That sounds a little stiff. Typical politicians. They can’t stand to see someone get screwed without cashing in on it. (Alex Kaseberg)

According to the latest reports, al Qaeda is increasing efforts to sneak into the United States. And they are getting pretty serious about it. I understand now they're learning Spanish. (Jay Leno)

The Los Angeles Catholic Archdiocese has paid $660 million to settle these sexual abuse claims. Plus, they also have to release all the priests' confidential, personal files. I think those are called pedo-philes. (Jay Leno)

A protestor in front of the White House was grabbed by Home Land Security guys. He was carrying a sign that said "President Bush is a Fool!" He was criminally charged with insulting the president and he was placed in the Guantanamo detention center for an undetermined period of time for revealing a state secret. (Grady Lacy)

Tonight, down in Washington, DC, Congress is working around the clock to try and solve the problem in Iraq. And I was thinking, "Gee, maybe they should have done that before we went in." (David Letterman)

That's right, Congress is working all night. At least Senator Vitter's wife will know where he is. (David Letterman)

MICHAEL VICK

Michael Vick was indicted Tuesday on charges of running a dog fighting operation including gruesome allegations of executing poor-performing animals by hanging and electrocution. Some people say his football career might be over, others say his friendship with Dick Cheney might have just started. (Pedro Bartes)

It is impossible to measure the damage Michael Vick has caused himself in the American public’s eye. Vick could have been caught wearing a diaper so he could drive all night and smoke crack to have sex with a mentally challenged transvestite and he could have recovered. (Alex Kaseberg)

Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick has been indicted for being an alleged ringleader in a massive dog fighting operation. This is a devastating development for millions of Americans as it comes just days before the fantasy football draft. (Jake Novak)

Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick has been charged with breeding pit bulls and executing those that failed to pass muster by gunshot, strangulation or electrocution. On a brighter note, Bob Barker's season box at Atlanta Stadium is up for sale----cheap. (Bob Mills)

The indictment against Vick includes charges he executed poor-performing dogs in vicious ways, something most Falcon fans have wanted to do to Vick ever since they missed the 2005 playoffs. (Jake Novak)

Michael Vick's federal indictment on dog fighting charges will surely cost him millions of dollars in product endorsements. But he did just win the job to plug a new line of imported poison Chinese dog food. (Jake Novak)

DAVID VIDOR

Louisiana Senator David Vitter returned to work today, fighting for his political life after his phone number turned up in the records of alleged DC madam Jane Pauley. Vitter's asked for forgiveness from God and his wife. But, of course, the Democrats have no respect for God or wives. So they made a political issue out if it. (Stephen Colbert)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" (Jay Leno)

Here's just the creepiest part of the story: there are now reports that the senator paid prostitutes to dress him up in a diaper. He's not denying these allegations. He did poo-poo them though. (Jay Leno)

Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. It kinda reminds me of the old saying, "The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't." (Jon Stewart)

At his press conference yesterday, where he admitted being involved with prostitutes, Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his longtime supporters -- the working men and the working girls of Louisiana. (Jay Leno)

He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey gave his famous "I'm a gay American" speech. (Jay Leno)

U. S. Senator David Vitter held a press conference in New Orleans Monday to admit he was a client of the Washington D. C. madam. He was very defensive. Every time the reporters asked him about money for Katrina, he said he wouldn't give in to blackmail. (Argus Hamilton)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter apologized to his constituency for using an escort service. He claimed that he did it for the people of New Orleans, and that he was wearing diapers to research on how to prevent leaks in the levees. (Pedro Bartes)

Sen. Vitter's wife promised she'd do a Lorena Bobbitt.... Is EVERY Republican a liar, including their spouses?

Sen Vitter then flew back to Washington in a diaper to continue the hard work of punishing gay people because they want to be married.

GOP Senator David "Family Values" Vitter apologized after admitting that he frequented hookers. Shocking, isn't it? A Republican getting laid by an adult heterosexual, I mean. (Bob Mills)

A lot of conservatives on radio and TV are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do -- have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV? (Jay Leno)

Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people. (Jay Leno)

Vitter's wife was by his side when he made the announcement. She called the senator her "best friend." Unfortunately, his best friend is someone named Thumper. (Jay Leno)

THE CANDIDATES

John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment, because his communications director quit. (Jay Leno)

According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is "none of the above." At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind "Good Lord, not him." (Conan O'Brien)

Former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He said he dropped out because "I don't have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee." (Conan O'Brien)

The wives of some of the Presidential candidates are having a more important role in their husband's campaigns. Apparently political strategists realized that a fight between Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich over oil is not as interesting as oil wrestling match between Thompson's gorgeous blonde wife, Jeri Thompson, and Kucinich's hot wife. (Pedro Bartes)

So, despite great name recognition, and good initial funding, John McCain's presidential campaign is fading fast. Who knew that his "Straight Talk Express" would go the way of Amtrak? (Janice Hough)

The latest New York Times/CBS News poll shows that most Americans think Hillary Clinton is a good role model for women, especially women who can't tell the truth. (Jake Novak)

CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Macguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. They say as goes Papa Smurf, so goes the South. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The most important question, though, is who does Oprah support? It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer's frozen fruit bars as one of Oprah's favorite things. I guess their names are so similar, she got confused and thought she was supporting herself for president. (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain has a new campaign slogan, "An Army Of One." I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store. (Jay Leno)

John McCain isn't the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party's diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice. (Stephen Colbert)

Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He's fine now. He was released from the Cleveland Children's Hospital yesterday. He's now back home, resting comfortably in a hollow tree. I guess he ate out of the wrong bird feeder (Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

The president's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now President Bush is ranked somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The New York City Fire Department rushed to the site of a massive steam pipe explosion in lower Manhattan. With them was George Bush who rolled up his sleeves, donned a fireman's hat and declared, "major combat with the steam was over" and that the US had prevailed. While he spoke, a "Mission Accomplished" banner was being unfurled across the entrance to the Chrysler Building. (Bob Mills)

President Bush on Wednesday reiterated his threat to veto Senate legislation that would substantially increase funds for children's health insurance by levying a 61-cent-a-pack increase in cigarette taxes. Republicans don't worry about protecting children from cigarette smoking because Republicans don't have children. Most Republicans weren't even children themselves. They were born grown up. Unlike Democrats, who will always be children. (Joe Hickman)

Imagine my surprise when I come back to work and find out that the president of the United States commuted Scooter Libby's sentence. How little does the president care what you think about that? [on screen: Bush saying it was a "fair and balanced" decision]. He's literally just using Fox News' slogan now. Here's the thing about the phrase "fair and balanced" -- the president means it just as much as Fox does. (Jon Stewart)

THE DEMOCRATS

Did you hear what happened in Iowa the other day? Two women see Bill Clinton at a parade and they thought he was Bob Barker from "The Price is Right." They're going, "Bob. Bob." You can understand why. When Clinton saw the girls, he was saying, "Come on down." (Jay Leno)

Senator Ted Kennedy reported to jury duty this week, but they refused to take him. The judge said Kennedy's huge head would block the view of the other 11 jurors. (Jay Leno)

Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. His youngest daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Very happy for them, although Al couldn't enjoy the reception. He was so obsessed with how fast the ice sculpture was melting (Jay Leno)

Al Gore's lovely daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Critics are now bashing Al Gore for serving Chilean sea bass at his daughter's wedding, because it is an endangered species. In his defense, whenever Al Gore picks up a knife and fork, any species is endangered. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected. (Jay Leno)

The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

The U. S. Senate debated the Iraq war Tuesday in an all-night session. It's not clear if the senators were trying to stand up to President Bush or just prove to their wives that they weren't using an escort service. (Jake Novak)

Last night, the Senate held an all-night session, and Senator Hillary Clinton gave a speech at four in the morning. Apparently, it was the first time Hillary gave a speech at four in the morning that didn't start with, "Where the hell have you been?" (Conan O'Brien)

The U.S. Senate held an all-night session last night, trying to get the votes needed to begin troop withdrawal from Iraq. They lost. They stayed in the Senate chamber all night long, with some of them sleeping on cots. In fact, Hillary stayed up so late, she actually saw Bill sneaking in. (Jay Leno)

Despite an all-night session, Senate Democrats failed to overcome a GOP filibuster on Iraq. Of course, trying all night without enjoying any success is something Majority Leader Harry Reid and his wife are very familiar with. (Jake Novak)

After the all-night session at the senate, the only thing left were the cots and Senator John McCain going through every empty box of pizza to see if there were some leftovers to feed his staffers (Pedro Bartes)

The Senate postponed voting on a bill that would put tobacco under FDA jurisdiction. One of the senators accidentally sat on the tobacco executive in his back pocket and the putrid smell quickly cleared the room.

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court has ruled that medicinal marijuana use is illegal. That ought to teach those people to come down with cancer! (Jay Leno)

THE STATES

Louisiana has become the last state to ban cockfighting. Well, there goes Michael Vick's plan to move there. (Bob Mills)

Wisconsin is the first state to consider a law regarding custody of pets in a divorce. Couples may have to start signing "pre-pup" agreements when they get married. It could result in the first "kitty litter support" payments. (Jim Barach)

Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison said he erred when he compared 9/11 to the Reichtag fire in Nazi Germany. He's right. Hitler ordered the latter and Bush hasn't got the brains to have masterminded the former. (Bob Mills)

LOCAL NEWS

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is investigating complaints that Paris Hilton got special treatment while in jail. During a press conference Hilton said that it wasn't her fault she received several cavity searches. (Pedro Bartes)

New York cabs will sprout fins to promote the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week." Much like they flashed red lights during "Hooker Week." (Bob Mills)

Midtown Manhattan cleans up from a steam explosion. It’s altered traffic in the area. Cab drivers are now restricted to just one middle finger. (Alan Ray)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

In Washington, D.C., a gun-wielding thief broke into a dinner party. After he was served wine, he put the gun away, gave everyone a hug and left without incident. Needless to say, the wine was French. (Alex Kaseberg)

The National Rifle Association successfully defeated a bill that would have granted cities access to federal gun-owner data. Whew, let this one slip by and pretty soon you've got mental defectives with nothing to hunt with. (Bob Mills)

TERRORISM

The US has raised the reward for the capture of Osama bin Laden to $50 million. Even more enticing, Howie Mandel has agreed to inflate a condom on his head before handing over the dough. (Bob Mills)

A top government intelligence report says that al Qaeda is desperately trying to sneak into the United States. But it's not clear if they want to attack us, or just get some of those good dishwashing jobs at Denny's. (Jake Novak)

Osama bin Laden has released another new video. See, that shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as 'Harry Potter.' On this latest tape, bin Laden says, "a happy man is one who dies for his religion." Do you ever notice the one who is giving the advice is never the one blowing himself up? (Jay Leno)

IRAQ

A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life (Jay Leno)

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki boldly announced today that American soldiers "can leave Iraq anytime they like," as long as they take him with them. (Jake Novak)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, "It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause." (Conan O'Brien)

President Bush is demanding that the Palestinian government arrest terrorists. The only problem is that all of the terrorists are in the Palestinian government. (Jake Novak)

THE ECONOMY

The dollar dropped to an all time low last week. The dollar is so low that Illegals are bribing border patrol officers with pesos now. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE

Researchers at U. C. Davis are training sheep to weed vineyards without eating the grapes. Apparently the sheep are willing to take on jobs that illegal immigrants won't do. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

So-called "TB Traveller" Andrew Speaker underwent surgery for his tuberculosis in Atlanta today. Speaker wanted to get the surgery done before Michael Moore tried to take him to Cuba. (Jake Novak)

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75% of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think we can do it by 2010. USA! USA! (Conan O'Brien)

RELIGION

Pope Benedict XVI will travel to New York to address the UN. Mayor Bloomberg has already ordered extra security around all the city's boy's clubs. (Bob Mills)

LA's Cardinal Roger "Stonewall" Mahoney said of the $660 million last-minute priest pedophile settlement: "My own testifying would not have been a problem." Then he licked himself to make sure he hadn't turned into a pillar of salt. That's rare, isn't it? A pedophile enabler licking himself. (Bob Mills)

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles has reached a $660 million settlement agreement with more than 500 sexual abuse plaintiffs. The Church plans to pay for the settlement by hiring super-cheap illegal immigrant priests from now on. (Jake Novak)

The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are -- Scooter Libby? (Jay Leno)

EDUCATION

A study shows that fewer and fewer kids are walking to school. That makes sense since fewer and fewer kids are going to school these days. Kids don't feel a need to walk to school to get exercise. Apparently they feel having sex with their teacher is enough to keep them in shape. (Jim Barach)

POLLS & STUDIES

According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low. Only 14% of people approve of Congress. 14%! And that's just the hookers that work for the DC madam. (Jay Leno)

TAG-A-MET

2007-07-20T06:06:00.000+05:30

When brilliant Madrasi blogger Krish Ashok tagged me in his list of the blogs he thinks think, I had no idea this tagging thing was a contagious disease. Apart from my pestilential patients (pests, still essential, geddit?), here was one man who thought I thought. 'Snot a rotten thought, 'sit not? Incidentally, my PPs (pestilential patients) think I am always thoughtful and carefully listening to their detailed descriptions of their last week's bowel movements and an unblinded comparative study with yesterday's downloaded contents (more like they think it is a national treasure or something) , while I am mentally holidaying in Peru with a pretty Indian girl with a sharp nose, thick lips and big hips...aaah, the tragedies of life!
Anyway, let me cut to the chase again. Another brilliant man, Mahendra, has done something very un-brilliant: he has tagged me. I have to speak at random about myself, and tag some others. Ok, let me be merciful and quick.

Eight random things about myself:

1. I am not judgmental: in other words, I never manage to hide a lack of judgment.

2. I am unkind: I prefer cash.

3. Physical anomaly: Head down, I am really hot. Head up, the view is cooler.

4. I love kids: mostly as kebabs, but with gravy, this veal be even better! Just getting the goat of the veggie thayir vadai brigade!

5. I am a habitual leg-shaker. Pity the disease doesn't spread.

6. My favorite watch brand is Tag Hore, whichever way you spell it.

7. If I were an Indian batsman of Sunny Days, I would be caught not, bald old.

8. I never use a driver. I screw up (driving) in my car, all by myself. Actually, Indian drivers stink, and I like going solow.

As far as tagging three others, I think there is nobody left. Let us, therefore, re-tag Sree, Mel, and Bernard Chan

Incidentally, Tagamet is a drug for heartburn.

Hullah over Bariatric Surgery Deaths

2007-07-19T07:07:00.001+05:30

The Times of India, I was told in hushed whispers, has run a story on some deaths that have occured in Indian patients who had undergone bariatric surgery. As I said in my last post, WTF? I mean "Why The Fuss?"
Bariatric surgery is a science that causes massive weight loss in severely obese patients. There are a few types of these, which work by reducing the amount of food that the person can eat, and by preventing full digestion and absorption of ingested food. The commonest operations are the Gastric Bypass and the Lap Band.
Now, these operations, done by the popular keyhole (laparoscopic) method, are rather painless and allow rapid return to home and the workplace. Plus there IS weight loss: big time (70% of excess body weight)!
Now this boring medical, technical-kinda blogpost takes an interesting twist: bariatric surgery does cause fatality. There is a known complication rate. But why should it hit the papers? I have known of this happening in virtually every city in the world where bariatric surgeries are done, and there is always a big ruckus, and then things go back to normal again. Why?
Bariatric Surgery has been hyped up by the surgical industry. It's the truth, and there's no trying to escape that. The media is always fed stories on the positive aspects of the story, but since there is little point in dampening the enthusiasm of prospective patients, the complications are rarely dealt with. And WE, the surgeons, are guilty of this. I, too, have written about this, and not just once.There has been brand-selling in the name of awareness-building. And, of course, the surgical products industry is solidly behind the initiative. These are truths. You may argue over the ethics of it, but good work does get done because of the awareness building, patients do lose weight and get cured of their diabetes and high blood pressure, and surgeons do get their next big car or mistress, and their children do go to elite schools that wipe your bank accounts clean like Coke does to toilets. But, among the positives, there is a stain of the ugly, and the faint stench of death. Surgeons may underplay the issue of complications of bariatric surgery, resulting in a high level of expectations on the side of the patients. So, whenever a death occurs, there is a jolt, a jhatka. The ensuing agitation reaches the media, and there is hullah. After a while, things become normal when the positive spin starts the next cycle. After all, obesity is always a hot topic.
And, you know what, I do bariatric surgery. I make it a point to balance the hype of the positive endpoints (weight loss, improved outlook in life, etc.) with the possible complications and the mortality risks. Because I speak candidly ("Of course, one can die after this surgery, being in a special high risk group"), I don't get too many of these onto the operating table. But then, my fat is not on the fire, neither! That is, at least, one good thing to say about being a poor surgeon!

STRAY GREEK EXPERIENCES

2007-07-18T15:59:00.000+05:30

In the three feet wide lanes of Mykonos, the haunt of the party-going young crowd and the gay-lesbian cohort, I am startled to find, proudly displayed in a shop, Indian bags with pictures and text that basically belong to the ads of Indian low-level tobacco products (I don’t apologise for this bit of snobbery).

I went to the owner, a Greek, and greeted him with the civil, touristy equivalent of the famed, universal exclamation ‘WTF’. “Hello, nice store you have here. Where did you get these beautiful bags from?” Now, I normally look like a less Frantic Harrison Ford in glasses, with a slight tan, so he must have thought I was an Italiano or something. “Thanks youz, Sir, they are from Indiyaa!” Probed further, he said, “I don’t know what these pictures and words are about, but the bags cost 25 euros each.” I reeled at the impact of it. A coarse, faltu Indian bag that my maid wouldn’t carry if I gifted her one, is being sold for 25 euros? India Shining! Now, I felt a sudden give-way, a relief, and let loose what was jerking up and down my stomach all the while: “WTF!”

In Mykonos, all you see around you in terms of human environment are young couples (as I have remarked before) all shaped like 2B Apsara pencils, snogging (kissing) and feeling each other as if they were on a plane that was going to crash into the Ionean Sea in exactly two minutes and eleventifive secs, so do what you want till then. I mean, I have seen a fair bit of this myself, and even fancied doing this some Christmas in London or somewhere similar, but never really found a consenting partner of the opposite sex. Never mind. In spite of what I said above, I was shocked. “WTF”, I thought. People were digitally exploring each other in boats and buses, as if they all worked for Google or something.

Of course, I had heard of the famous nudist beaches of Greece, and would have tolerated a piece of it, in the sense that I would not have minded just looking, push comes to shove and all that. Well, it so happened that my hotel was right on one such beach, and guess what? No luck! The young nude girls were totally invisible as they were wrapped around their mates. And the only chests on display belonged to girls of my late grandmother’s generation. I assumed that they didn’t have bikini tops that could stretch down to the knees, so they must have thought “WTF, hang it!”

Met an Indian guy while searching a way out of a small village called Ano Mera. This guy was so friendly that he outlined his life story in five minutes, while standing outside a bus stop. He then insisted on a lift to town, whence I chanced upon his car, one more messy than mine. You can surely see the broomstick, but probably are missing out on the last six months’ groceries, stationary and sundry mess that was knee deep on the floor of the car. I kid you not.

Oh, and in case you thought he was a bum, he was just the owner of a yatch, three helicopters and four jets. He does tourism for the world. He is India, export-quality!
Oh, and for me, WTF means 'Where's The Food?'

GREEK FOOD: OVER-OVERVIEW

2007-07-16T15:03:00.000+05:30

Greek food: you realise there is something to it when you see how fit these chaps and chapnis are, compared to the rest of us Indians.
Even the local Indians look fit and trim.
Medically speaking, there is a bulk
provided by complex carbs (like the mandatory salad and whole grain breads), proteins (as in meats and fish), and fats (in the olive oil, desserts and cheeses).
As the meal is leisurely and proceeds in stages, from the mezes (starters, usually with the wine or the local ouzo), the salads (with Feta cheese) and by the time you wait for the main course (all the while chomping hard bread soaked in olive oil and balsamic vinegar), you are no longer able to wolf down obscene amounts of meat and rice.
In the pictures on the left, you see a typical Greek salad (tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, olives, lettuce and feta cheese on top), and the second picture below that is the delicious Santorini salad (small, lobulated Santorini tomatoes, caper leaves, and the rest is the same as the Greek).

A disappointing but highly touted starter (meze) was 'Santorini pancakes' ( in the picture), which I ordered in a nice restaurant in Fira called Archipelagos. It turned out to be a flatter cousin of our own South Indian bondas which were never a favorite of mine, unless stuffed with spicy potatoes (the Mumbai batata vada or aloo bonda).

A dessert will effectively kill your hunger for around 12 hours: not for them the lightness of sandesh and rasgullas. The baclava or the Ekmek are favorites here, and, by the time you finish it all, your stomach is ready to disown you and migrate to India. If you can see, the Ekmek has a very smooth and heavy sweet cream stuffing inside the pastry, and will take you close to the Devil himself. Many tavernas have fresh seafood on display (as seen in the picture here), and mussels, swordfish, salmon and octopus are favorites in most island menus. Oh, another new dish I tried was a pie with date stuffing (see picture). Rather surprisingly, this is called a halwa.
All in all, magnificent. Indian food, of course, is far more diverse and rich, but if you talk of overall balance and nutrition, Mediterranean food is way up there!

FEVERED IMAGINATION?

2007-07-15T22:26:00.000+05:30

India is once again going through the cycle of deaths and misery from tropical bugs that cause fever in a huge sprawl of urban and rural population. There are some old bugs like malaria and typhoid fever. Others, like Chikunganya, Dengue and Leptospirosis are also old diseases, but less known in India. There are some important issues why these disease lead to such a huge cost on India's health and wealth:

1. Fever is universally treated by GPs with antibiotics. In the instant era, people don't have the patience to wait for five to seven days for the fever to subside. GPs feel it is better to treat with antibiotics just in case. This, of course, is absolutely regressive and unjustifiable, as antibiotics are not exactly harmless, and can cause drug resistance (which is a major problem in hospitals across the globe). As a doc, you do what is right and scientific. If the patient can't be with you in this, let the patient go. However, my experience tells me the reality is different. It is not so much the patient who puts a gun on the doctor's head and extorts a prescription for kill-all antibiotics. It is the weakness of the physician who does not know how to tackle an obscure or atypical fever. Of course, in India, most fevers are probably treated by non-physicians, like quacks or pharmacist-oids.

2. There are no easily available tests that detect viruses, which would make life for the febrile patient (and his doctor) easy.
So one has to rely on clinical patterns, including the flavors of the season. Many docs don't have the time or mindset to sniff out diagnoses that don't hit them between the eyeballs, so they give empirical antibiotics.

3. The bulk of the fault lies with State policies, where civic infrastructure is so pathetic that it fosters all these diseases. It is now known that the bulk of tropical killer diseases like malaria are a direct indicator of poverty and development. In fact, the countries (mainly in Africa and Asia) where people are slaughtered by these germs are morbid examples of State-sponsored massacre. People die because of misguided and corrupt policies. For a simple example, look at the state of drainage in the cities. If that is attended to, one source is taken care of. Do you see that happening? It would take a fevered imagination to imagine the State changing anytime soon, is it not?
UPDATE (16th July 2007): Read about 'Tomato fever' in Kerala

GREECED LIGHTENING

2007-07-15T20:02:00.000+05:30

A few days in sunny Greece, and I go ‘AWE’ in shock. I attended the EAES 2007 conference in Athens, which I have hinted at before. The majority of people were so different from what we see here in India (and, doubtless, in the US), that I have to draw a few stereotypes.
Disclaimer: All pictures have been selected and censored so as to have minimum erotic or vulgar content, as consistent with modern as well as traditional high-thinking Indian culture.

THE HUNKS AND BABES:

These creatures look like they were created from the residual sperm of Apollo.
The guys look like they play Popeye in street theaters, or are training for the decathlon in the next Olympics. Facial profiles that remind you of the sculptures of old Greek gods, or sexed-up versions of the Clooneys, Cruises and Pitts of modern times. And hair, my god, hair! Each cranium meticulously clad in jet black hair that seems to suck in the olive oil from their stomachs, and visibly growing by the minute, so to speak.

Every horrendous such creature, a living shame to middle age-hood, skin glowing out of near-fatal high levels of testosterone, should be banned.

As far as the females are concerned, they all seem to be in their twenties or teens. Forget about just pretty faces, fair complexions and sharp noses (I have a weak point here), they have abs that inspired some hot fantasies in me. Namely as follows. When I looked at their exposed midriffs, you know what I felt like doing?

Lay my shirt on one such midriff and iron it. Really, I kid you not. Flat abs that have been just made to write on or place your laptop, or just iron.
It is a different affair when it comes to the thoracic region. Every one of the ladies I saw had mammary protuberances that explored the x axis in space. There was not a single specimen that betrayed the slightest interest in gravity. Add to it the freedom from the oppression of human cultural hang-ups like clothes, and you can guess what went through my mind! You got it: ironing my clothes!

THE SHOP-KEEPER:

Each store keeper seemed to be a combination of Franco, insurance salesman and your uncle in Greece. Some of them would merely bark at you, while others would look like they would reach for the nearest bottle of ouzo to test on your head. Still others would be coyingly, cloyingly pleasant, like an old unemployed cousin come to visit you for a job.

THE SHOP-KEEPERESS:

She, too, was a chimeric woman. Part Cleopatra, part Aphrodite, and part Gaia.

THE WAITER:

He would be your old uncle who would roll his eyes at every dish you named (as a question for a recommendation), and say it was the greatest dish made since mother’s milk. If you didn’t like it, he would change the dish, of course, but charge you for both!

THE ORIENTAL TOURISTS:

Always seen as a young pair, keen on milking out every yen from the sophisticated cameras they carry, as seen on this picture. They tried five self-pics with the sunset behind them. Till I put them out of their misery.

THE INDIAN TOURIST:

Glaringly visible for the extreme lack of immodesty, resplendent in clothes that should never see the light of an Ionean summer. Enough said, I think.

HUMERUS NEWS for 07-07-07

2007-07-07T20:32:00.000+05:30

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY

Healthcare reform is emerging as the top issue of the 2008
presidential campaign. That's because it's not even 2008 yet and
we're all already sick of all the candidates.(Jake Novak)

Researchers at Harvard and McGill Universities claim to have found an
amnesia drug that may help people discard bad memories, while leaving
the rest of their memories intact. The drug was tested successfully
on mice and Alberto Gonzales. (Pedro Bartes)

Robin Williams is under fire from Catholics for making a joke about
priests and pedophiles. A Catholic spokesperson actually argued that
many priests charged are not technically pedophiles as they molested
young teenagers, not children. Is everyone else as relived as I am?
(Alex Kaseberg)

NBA finals MVP, Tony Parker is marrying “Desperate Housewives” co-
star Eva Longoria in France tomorrow. It will be a traditional French
wedding including a French cake, French wine, and after the ceremony,
the couple surrenders to the German army!(Alex Kaseberg)

The U. S. Senate buried amnesty for illegal aliens by defeating the
immigration reform bill Thursday. The same day, the Supreme Court
struck down affirmative action on school admissions. It only took
twenty-four hours for Paris Hilton to drop to number three on the
list of reasons why Los Angeles could burst into flames any minute
now. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress voted itself a $4,400 a year pay raise. Apparently now that
they can't harass the Pages anymore, they need some extra spending
money to go to the local strip clubs. (Jim Barach)

The Fourth of July was celebrated in America all day Wednesday with
fireworks made in China. They're not so dangerous. Chinese fireworks
may blow off your hand or put out your eye but they're still safer
than their pet food, tires and toothpaste. (Argus Hamilton)

The heatwave continues. It was so hot yesterday Ann Coulter didn't
have the energy to put her foot in her mouth. (HaBlog)

After her 23 day stay in jail, Paris Hilton has flown off to a luxury
resort in Hawaii. This will bring a whole new meaning to going to
Hawaii and getting lei’d.`(Alex Kaseberg)

SCOOTER LIBBY & THE PARDON

President Bush commuted the sentence of Dick Cheney's former chief of
staff, Scooter Libby, who now won't have to serve any prison time.
The president wanted to prove everyone wrong: you know, the ones who
said, "He couldn't get any more unpopular!"(WackyWeek)

President Bush commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby, who was
President Bush's aide and Dick Cheney's chief of staff. He won't
serve any jail time. Paris Hilton is officially twenty-three days
more criminal than the guys who got us into the Iraq war. (Argus
Hamilton)

After commuting Liddy's prison sentence, Bush says he hasn't ruled
out a full pardon. And not just for Liddy----he may include Ann
Coulter, too. (Bob Mills)

President Bush has commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby so he
doesn't have to go to jail. Scooter won't be able to work for the
federal government anymore but he may be able to play for the
Cincinnati Bengals. (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

Scooter probably has a strong phobia about being in prison and let it
be known that if he ever was in prison he would start squealing and
leaking like a dog strapped to the roof of a station wagon going
60mph....

This from Thursday's W. H. Press Briefing pretty much says it all: Q:
Scott, is Scooter Libby getting more than equal justice under the
law? Is he getting special treatment? Scott Stanzel: Well, I guess I
don't know what you mean by "equal justice under the law." ...

President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby's 2 1/2-year sentence. The
White House it needs to keep the jails clear for Paris Hilton's
inevitable return. (Jake Novak)

President Bush pardoned 'Scooter' Libby, who will not go to prison.
How does that make Paris Hilton feel? A guy who leaked CIA spy
secrets during a war skates and nobody cares, but when they let Paris
out of jail early, the screams of objections could be heard in outer
space. (Alex Kaseberg)

Scooter Libby used his "Get Out Of Jail Free" card - reminding the
big "Dick" that he knows it was him who set the outing of a CIA
undercover agent in motion, something that used to be known as
TREASON.... My, but aren't those Republicans getting soft on crime
all of a sudden.

THE CANDIDATES

Barack Obama on Sunday reported his campaign raised thirty-two
million dollars in the second quarter. He beat Hillary Clinton by ten
million dollars. His donations come from Democrats who are exhausted
by the whole Clinton psychodrama, while her donations come from
comedians who only want to work half-days for the next eight years.
(Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton's head strategist, Mark Penn, was accused in a
lawsuit Wednesday of illegally wiretapping a former business partner.
It shocked many people. Bill Clinton just made up his mind he will
only speak to women on the phone in Navajo Code. (Argus Hamilton)

Bill Clinton was an hour late to a campaign rally in Des Moines
Monday where he was supposed to introduce his wife to a crowd that
was waiting irritably. It was carefully planned. Her poll numbers are
never better than when he is embarrassing her. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain took drastic measures to save money on his faltering
presidential campaign Monday and cut all his staffers' pay. It's a
break that his immigration reform bill went down to defeat. Otherwise
he'd have to pay these people minimum wage. (Argus Hamilton)

Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before
the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard
University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the
black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things
to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested
for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote
wrapped up ( Jimmy Kimmel)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the
Bush family compound in Maine this week. They're going fishing and
boating. The press is calling it the 'Lobster Summit.' Now, don't
confuse that with Paris Hilton's upcoming weekend in Maui. That's
called 'Crabfest.' (Jay Leno)

The White House says President Bush misspoke when he said the
proposed Immigration Bill offers amnesty to illegal aliens. The White
House knows that is the one excuse that everyone will always
believe.. (Jim Barach)

President Bush is relying in the Good Lord to take Castro away. Is he
getting advice from Pat Robertson again? (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice
President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument.
(Andy Borowitz)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton told a conference in Yalta Friday the proposed U. S.
missile defense system in Europe is a colossal waste of money and is
creating an unnecessary crisis with the Russians. The major
television networks didn't report a word he said. There is no such
thing as an unnecessary crisis when you are owned by a defense
contractor. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that everyone in
the U.S. should go about their normal activities, “except you
terrorists." (Andy Borowitz)

An aerial survey shows that a 2-mile fence along the US-Mexican
border is ten feet into Mexico----will take $3.5 million to correct.
On the plus side, the project will employ 750,000 illegal immigrants.
(Bob Mills)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is
not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term 'failed
to pass". (Jay Leno)

It was voted down by the Senate. You know, I wondered why the help
at Wal-Mart seemed so testy today. In fact, some illegal immigrants
are so angry, they are threatening to leave the country. (Jay Leno)

NASA & SPACE

The chairman of the House Science Committee says NASA is headed for a
train wreck if it is not funded better. Apparently he means that
astronauts will be forced to take Amtrak instead. (Jim Barach)

IRAQ

Civilian contractors now outnumber US troops in Iraq. Kind of gives a
whole new meaning to the term "can't buy a victory" doesn't it? If
you can't support our troops, will you at least support our
contractors? (Bob Mills)

McCain visits in Iraq, meets with Iraqi prime minister and coalition
military leaders. But despite the senator's best efforts, they still
think the war was a mistake. (Bob Mills)

IRAN

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad faced a revolt Friday over gas
rationing. The country is the second-biggest oil producer in the
world, but they can't make enough gas for their citizens. You can
always tell when Jimmy Carter is advising a dictator. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Fidel Castro said Sunday he's angry the CIA tried to poison him fifty
years ago with a hooker and a milkshake. He's never been the same. To
this day, whenever he goes to the drive-through he orders the kid
behind to window to test the hooker first. (Argus Hamilton)

Mexico's President Felipe Calderon blasted the U. S. Senate Thursday
for failing to pass the bill that would have given amnesty to illegal
aliens. He's upset that people might begin returning to Mexico. He
really enjoys having the place to himself. (Argus Hamilton)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

In a clear rebuke of US policy toward Israel, a Palestinian TV
children's show killed off a Mickey Mouse lookalike. Worse, the deed
was done by a Phil Spector lookalike. (Bob Mills)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The Chinese government has passed strict laws allowing Chinese
factory workers to join unions. Executives at WalMart had no comment.
(Bob Mills)

The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not
meet the country's own quality standards. And that's even after
raising the minimum wage to 4 cents an hour. .(Jake Novak)

GREAT BRITIAN

Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive
car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush
got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure
all the animals and clowns were safe. (Jay Leno)

Authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his
cell phone. Luckily, the guy had Cingular so he couldn't get a
signal. (Jay Leno)

Britain rounded up terror suspects Tuesday following last week's
attacks. Five doctors have been implicated in deploying the car bombs
that failed to go off. It warns Americans, if nothing else, about the
gross inefficiency of socialized medicine. (Argus Hamilton)

Those terrorist plots in London and Glasgow involved doctors and
medical students. Authorities now believe they may have been in
training for employment with HMO's. (Bob Mills)

In response to Saturday's unsuccessful terrorist attack in Glasgow,
all air travellers to and from the U.K. will no longer be allowed to
enter the airport while they or their cars are on fire. .(Jake Novak)

Dublin police announced Tuesday they found bales and bales of cocaine
washing up on the shores of County Cork. Inspectors say it must have
spilled off a passing boat. The Irish Tourism Bureau isn't above
using a little blarney to attract Los Angeles tourists to Ireland if
they're afraid to fly to London or Glasgow this summer. (Argus Hamilton)

Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the British government will not
yield to terrorist attacks and threats... it's going to keep on
admitting immigrants with no regard for anyone's safety just like it
has for the last 40 years. .(Jake Novak)

Prince William and Prince Harry held a star-studded rock concert in
tribute to Princess Diana Sunday at Wembley Stadium in London. Kiefer
Sutherland was one of the concert's emcees. He rents himself out as a
scarecrow to keep away the terrorists. (Argus Hamilton)

Scotland Yard announced that eight Muslim terror suspects arrested
Monday in the failed car bombings in London and Glasgow included
three medical doctors from Iraq and Jordan. Everybody was shocked.
They were the good guys in Sicko. (Argus Hamilton)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Barbra Streisand gave here first-ever concert in Germany Saturday
night. I guess we can say the Jews have finally gotten even for the
Holocaust..(Jake Novak)

THE UN & INTERNATIONAL

Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's
a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a
simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work. (David
Letterman)

THE ECONOMY

Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon.
$4 a gallon for milk? I didn't know Dick Cheney was involved with the
dairy industry (Jay Leno)

TAXES

The National War Tax Resistance Coordinating Committee asked
Americans Tuesday to register their protest against the Iraq war by
requesting pay cuts so they don't make enough money to pay taxes.
These people will go to jail if they don't pay their taxes. Any
illegal alien will tell them that low pay is not enough to get you
amnesty. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH

The World Health Organization said Thursday that air travelers should
exercise their legs to avoid deadly blood clots in the air. They are
preventable. The X-ray machines would pick them up if the screeners
weren't so busy looking at the breasts. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER

It may get as hot as 116 degrees in Las Vegas today. which would be a
problem if anyone ever went outdoors in Las Vegas..(Jake Novak)

SPORTS

A “Sports Illustrated” article lists all the sports stars who have
landmarks named after them. Green Bay has a Ray Nitschke Memorial
Bridge, Miami has a Don Shula Expressway and coming soon to Atlanta,
the Michael Vick Pet Cemetery.`(Alex Kaseberg)

Today Federal authorities investigated property of Atlanta Falcon
Michael Vick for dog fighting evidence. This is not good for Vick.
Vick could become a prisoner who never plays on a professional
football team again. You heard me, Vick could get traded to the
Cincinnati Bengals. `(Alex Kaseberg)

Sports agent Scott Boras wants the World Series extended to nine
games, with the first two games to be played at a neutral site. That
means Wrigley Field.. (Jim Barach)

ENTERTAINMENT

George Lucas has announced a three-movie cycle covering the George W.
Bush presidency. It will be called "The Starts Wars Saga". (Harry
Farkas)

Michael Moore's "Sicko" turns up the heat on the sorry state of
medical care in the US. No surprisingly, Mike's HMO just notified him
that his coverage isn't as permanent as he thought it was. (Bob Mills)

Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein," opening on Broadway in November,
will top out at $450 a ticket. But in all fairness to Mel, that
includes a tank of gas to help you get to the Helen Hayes. (Bob Mills)

The Hollywood Reporter said Wednesday a four-part movie about Saddam
Hussein's life will air on HBO. It makes perfect sense that the cable
network would buy a mini-series about Iraq. There's nothing HBO likes
better than a shoot-'em-up with no ending. (Argus Hamilton)

Tom Cruise will play Claus von Stauffenberg in the new movie
Valkyrie. He was a German aristocrat who tried to kill Hitler with a
briefcase bomb. When Tom Cruise fails to kill the Fuhrer, Homeland
Security calls a press briefing and takes credit for foiling the
plot. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

The wife of Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez attended Sunday's game at
Yankee Stadium wearing a white tank top with "F--k You" written on
the back. Luckily for Mrs. Rodriguez, "F--k You" is the greeting of
choice for all fans at Yankee Stadium. .(Jake Novak)

Paris Hilton flew to Hawaii in disguise Thursday after her appearance
on Larry King. It's sad. She didn't plan to be in disguise, but after
she told Larry King she never does drugs and seldom drinks, her nose
grew to three times its normal length. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, was arrested early this morning for
driving his Toyota Prius 100 MPH and having marijuana and
prescription drugs in his possession. The younger Gore explained he
needs the drugs to have any hope of understanding what the Hell his
father is talking about. .(Jake Novak)

Al Gore's son was pulled over by cops in Southern California Tuesday
going one hundred miles an hour in his Prius. He had marijuana,
Valium, Xanax and Vicodin in the car. The Los Angeles Times headline
read, Prius Goes One Hundred Miles an Hour. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Jackson is shopping for a vacation home on Maryland's posh
Eastern Shores. Preferably near a school, day care center, Boy Scout
clubhouse or Little League ballfield. (Bob Mills)

Barbra Streisand was awarded France's Legion of Honor for her work in
entertainment. Her husband, James Brolin had already won the award,
for showing courage in being married to Barbra Streisand.. (Jim Barach)

Paris Hilton flew to Hawaii Wednesday after tripling the ratings of
the Larry King show, where she gave the most boring interview in
history. It was a new low in journalism. She went blank every time
Larry King asked her if she likes older men. (Argus Hamilton)

World Wrestling Federation star Chris Benoit's doctor was arrested
Monday. The wrestler strangled his entire family and then hung
himself during a steroid rage. The next day, Barry Bonds's teenage
son didn't have to be told twice to take out the trash. (Argus Hamilton)

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak's attorney says she was not wearing a
diaper when she was arrested in Florida. He says she simply drove 900
miles to kidnap a romantic rival while wearing a disguise and still
being married. Her attorney says the diaper rumor makes her sound
like some kind of nut case.. (Jim Barach)

Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss opened a coin-operated laundromat
Tuesday in Nevada, sixty miles from Las Vegas. There's something
really fishy about the place. The powdered soap in the vending
machines sells for three hundred dollars a box. CBS Radio was
reported Monday to be considering giving Don Imus back his radio show
after firing him. It's only right. If everybody lost their livelihood
over one unfunny joke, half the U. S. Senate would be voted out of
office over immigration reform. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE

The iPhone came out today. People were camping out all night in front
of the store. These people are pathetic, really... Oh, come on? get a
life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy.
(Craig Ferguson)

American Joey Chestnut has won the Nathan's Fourth of July hot dog
eating contest with a new world record 66 dogs eaten in 12 minutes.
The event is always a great promotion for Nathan's, because nothing
makes you want to eat hot dogs more than watching a guy shove five
and half dozen of them down his throat. .(Jake Novak)

American Joey Chestnut beat five-straight winner, Takeru Kobayahi, in
Nathan’s hot dog eating contest by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
Chestnut received a mustard yellow belt, a $10,000 dollar prize, a
carton of toilet paper, a case of Lysol, ten candles and a sign for
the bathroom door that reads “Do not come in here.”`(Alex Kaseberg)

HISTORY

Little Rock, Arkansas is marking the 50th anniversary of public
school desegregation. The good news is that black and white kids now
get a truly equal education, the bad news is that now neither of them
can read. .(Jake Novak)

BUSINESS

Apple's new cell phone came out Friday featuring a hand-held wireless
Internet connection. Anything you do on it can be picked up by U. S.
spy satellites. As soon as this gets around, there will be a five-
block line to buy two tin cans and a string. (Argus Hamilton)

The iPhone requires using AT&T phone service. In other words, it is
great, as long as you don't use it as a phone.. (Jim Barach)

June auto sales for General Motors fell 21.7% while Nissan's were up
22%. The USS Missouri is being taken out of mothballs for the formal
surrender ceremony. (Bob Mills)

GREEK GODS IN CONFERENCE

2007-07-05T18:22:00.000+05:30

At a conference hall, in the dark, an Indian surgeon is listening to Europe's top laparoscopic surgeons pontificate on their topics.
While they do their job, this surgeon, like his compatriots, does his. Sleepless in normal life, he is overcome by waves of endorphins and other intoxicants that the body releases when it gets tired of the absurdities of taking life too seriously.
Speakers are agents of the Sleep God. The Greek one used to be called Thanatos. No, not really, for he was the God of Death. Hypnos was. And hypnotic are these European speakers. With their 'ems' and 'aaahs', they could do what wine could not. Give the peace that comes in the mother's womb, and that every man (in futility) seeks in a woman's arms.
After a nice breakfast, in a darkened room, a God-gifted baritone disperses all the tensions of life, and the surgeon starts dozing, only to be rudely (he thought) awakened by a huge Croatian who did not particularly fancy the Indian slobbering on his jacket sleeve. To no avail. He drifts again like a gondola in Venice. Suddenly the mind gets a Google alert. The speaker points to some graphs and lines that look very Greek to him, but he hears the words that woke him up. "Cox regression analysis", he says. Now, this is a topic that is of great interest to him. His Spam folder in his mail account is witness to the world clamoring for his measured attention on this crucial issue.Gives a spin to the term 'Hindu rate of growth', he thought.
Other than this anomaly, he participates enthusiastically in this act of mass mind-grazing, roused intermittently by an intrusive cell phone ring.
As the French are talking of "ze interesting zings in ze world of surgery", the collective "zzz´s" of the hapless audience is audible. At ze end of ze lecture, everyone claps enthusiastically, as if to celebrate a magician's act of mass levitation.
The Indian surgeon, unimpressed, reflects on a truism of life: Clap, and the world claps with you. Sleep, and you snore alone!

SWIMMING TO GREECE!

2007-07-03T06:52:00.000+05:30

This morning, when the world outside looks wet and grey, let me push this short paragraph I wrote for your questionable reading pleasure.
The city of Mumbai is knee-deep in civic sloth, corruption and hot water. I am, as of today, on leave, flying via that city to Greece, and will be back on the 15th of July. I will, hopefully, keep blogging, and hope my camera does not get washed out in the current deluge.

SiCKO: IS THE TRUTH MOORED TO THE LEFT?

2007-07-03T06:08:00.000+05:30

SiCKO is Michael Moore's latest movie that pokes America in the eye and shows its health care system as bad (to cull other adjectives). Moore advocates free universal health care for all.
We have talked about this just recently. What do the pundits say about the movie?
Here is a good review.
For a very favorable review, click this link.
Kenneth Mattox, a world famous cardiac and trauma surgeon, holds forth on the movie:
"First, someone has changed the image of the producer, Michael Moore. Both in the movie and on the publicity talk shows, he is less angry, less hostile, and has 'cleaned up' in speech and appearance since his previous movies and books. He is a producer and was very, very specific in what he wished to create, and he created it. He knew just what he needed to show, what he needed NOT to show, and in what order he needed to show the material."
Mattox asserts that the movie is very superficial and glosses over a potpourri of health care-related issues like education, research, cost of new drugs, etc.
"The producer’s main point throughout the movie and in his final scene was a plea/demand for UNIVERSAL FREE HEALTH CARE FOR ALL (and he tossed in free day care, free college, and free nanny visits to new Mom’s). This is where I totally part ways with his views and motivations. No service is FREE. He visited 5 countries to prove his point about 'free' care – UK, Canada, France, and Cuba and the US. Both access and quality of care in the UK, Canada, France and Cuba, according to what was presented in this movie, are superb. Furthermore, patients and physicians in these countries could not be happier with their respective systems. Based on this movie, the paperwork hassle factor that both docs and patients deal with in the US is nonexistent in these countries. Also, based on this movie, the cost of all these government provided services is not a hardship on anyone or any group. Not a single person interviewed in any of these countries had a remotely negative thing to say about care, quality or even taxes to support the system. Contrarily, ALL interviews in the US were totally negative – not ONE success story was presented. Hence, my greatest criticism of this movie – bias to the point of deception."
So, ladies and gentlemen, here is another way you can damage your cause: by hypertrophy, by exaggeration, by bias to a point where you think you should take Einstein literally: "If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts". Or words to that effect.
My only submission on this subject is to state the stated: there is no free lunch, there is no free universal health care, there is only freedom. The concept should be easy to understand if you look at free speech as a basic right. Yes, you have the right to speak easy, but do you expect the Government to provide you with a free website, a free newspaper, and a free microphone so that it can shut you up from saying "These greedy capitalist industrialists and monopolies are not giving us our free speech"? And a gazillion words to that effect.
Why should anything else be any different?

NEW SURGICAL SPECIES

2007-07-01T07:17:00.001+05:30

If you remember, I have posted my satirical piece 'New Surgical Species' with hyperlinks, in this blog before.
Well, the General Surgery News article is now available online here. I am not sure if you can get direct access to the article, and you may be asked to fill in the free registration form.

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-30-07

2007-07-01T06:51:00.000+05:30

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE DAY

Vice President Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad are things going for the Bush administration that even the vice president pretends he has nothing to do with it? (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists have figured out a way to make mice give birth to rats. Finally a solution to our rat shortage! (David Letterman)

Robin Williams is under fire from Catholics for making a joke about priests and pedophiles. A Catholic spokesperson actually argued that many priests charged are not technically pedophiles as they molested young teenagers, not children. Is everyone else as relived as I am?`(Alex Kaseberg)

John Bolton has resigned as US ambassador to the UN. During his tenure, he strengthened ties with America's foreign allies. And the delegation from Pago Pago says "thank you." (Alan Ray)

I guess you’ve heard by now, there's a video of Kobe Bryant trashing his fellow Lakers. The good news? This is the first evidence that Kobe’s even aware there's other members on the team. (Jay Leno)

On Paris Hilton's claim she spent her time in prison reading the Bible: That is why she decided to give her first interview to Larry King. She wanted him to tell her what Moses was really like. (Pedro Bartes)

Air-Tran is sponsoring a free wedding contest at the Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel that includes three nights at the Venetian Hotel, a rental car and a quickie divorce. (Bob Mills)

Peru's Congress has voted to lower the country's age of consent to 14. To which Mark Foley immediately announced his candidacy for Peruvian Congressman. (Jim Barach)

Fred Thompson drew wild applause in South Carolina Wednesday saying he opposed illegal immigration and terrorism. What a healer. It's possible to win both the white vote and black vote in South Carolina if you campaign against Arabs and Mexicans. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says the average woman sleeps with four men during her lifetime. So maybe there is something to Paris Hilton's claim she is way above average. The average woman sleeps with four men? Aren't most women married more times than that? Maybe they are including women like Liza Minnelli who marry gay men. (Jim Barach)

A Chinese airline has asked passengers to try not to use the bathrooms in flight, as each flush wastes a liter of fuel. The people who comply on long flights will inadvertently be using their seats as a floatation device. (Jim Barach)

DICK CHENEY

Dick Cheney caused a firestorm Thursday by refusing to allow National Archives auditors to review his handling of classified material as required by law. He told the investigators the law doesn't apply to him. It's right there in Nixon's will. (Argus Hamilton)

On Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander. (John Oliver)

Dick Cheney refused to let the National Archives auditors in his office Friday to see how he handles classified information. He refused to allow inspectors. The longer we are in Iraq, the more respect he has for the way Saddam Hussein did things." (Argus Hamilton)

You don't need to be a lawyer to know that there are only 3 branches of
government, and one of them is NOT called "Dick Cheney".

In a move that stunned the Washington establishment, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared the office of the Vice President a new country that he referred to as Veepotuswana. His Chief of Staff and former legal counsel David Addington released a statement in which he explained that the Office of the Vice President had decided, "after a close and thorough reading of the U. S. Constitution", to "finally fulfill the true intent of the Founding Fathers" by declaring themselves an independent country.

We talked a little bit last night about Vice President 'Chinny,' how he is in fact not a member of the executive branch, that he is part VP, part legislator, part she-wolf. How else do you explain his eight teats. (Jon Stewart)

THE CANDIDATES

Ralph Nader talking about running for president again. He's been accused of being a spoiler. You know what that is? A spoiler is a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example, Al Gore's spoiler was Ralph Nader. George Bush Sr.'s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. John Kerry's spoiler was John Kerry. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs "The Sopranos." In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal health. (Conan O'Brien)

Bill Clinton said Thursday his role in his wife's Sopranos spoof video was not a signal he'll take a bigger role in her primary campaign. His assigned role for the next eight years is that of faithful, supportive spouse while his wife is the star. Bill Clinton couldn't be any more in prison if he were out on the golf course with O.J. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton collected millions at a fundraiser at the Sheraton New York on Sunday thrown by Indian-Americans. It's a tricky phrase. Indian-Americans applies to Americans whose families came from India, not U.S. native tribes, who are known as Casino-Americans. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani spoke at Pat Robertson’s university the other day. He talked of family values. After the second divorce, your lawyer gives you a discount. (Alan Ray)

Rudy Giuliani on Wednesday said the World Trade Center attacks occurred because Bill Clinton didn't respond strongly enough to the first World Trade Center attack. It just made people love Bill Clinton more. He shortened the war in Iraq by ten years. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani's campaign chairman in South Carolina was indicted on Tuesday for the possession and distribution of five hundred grams of cocaine. It was an honest misunderstanding. Rudy Giuliani had told him to get him five hundred grams of Rogaine. (Argus Hamilton)

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg dropped hints this past weekend that he may be open to running for president. This morning he attended a breakfast that raised twelve million dollars to get his campaign rolling. He dined alone with his checkbook. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

In vetoing federal funding for stem cell research, President Bush vowed to protect human embryos even though it's not clear if they are "alive" or represent life. Of course with his approval ratings, it's not clear that President Bush is alive either. (Jake Novak)

The White House announced that President Bush will meet with Mexican President Felipe Calderon next month. They have to discuss the growing problem of illegal immigration. The two presidents agreed to meet in Mexico's capital city, Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn? t want to go, but his father couldn’t get him out of it. (Jay Leno)

Earlier this week President Bush took part in the taping of the Ford's Theatre gala that will air this December on ABC. It's a Christmas show and they tape it in June. It's always awkward taping six months in advance. For example, right now President Bush is still without a clear cut strategy for Iraq. But come December ... no, I guess we'll be okay. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The CIA released hundreds of pages of internal reports on agency misconduct Tuesday... and that was just the stuff they did Tuesday. (Jake Novak)

THE CONGRESS

Republican Senator Richard Lugar said that President Bush's Iraq strategy is not working. He also suggested that Lindsay Lohan is a troubled young woman, Dennis Kucinich will not win the Democratic presidential nomination and the Yankees might not make it to this year's World Series. (Janice Hough)

This week they had the annual congressional baseball game. The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. Typical of both parties -- the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount.(Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Lake Tahoe was the site of swift wildfires Sunday which burned fifty-two houses on the California side of the lake. Who knows how long those people will be out of their homes. The construction workers are refusing to rebuild unless they get amnesty. (Argus Hamilton)

in a serious setback for former Florida governor Jeb Bush, new research finds that the eldest children in families tend to have higher IQs than their younger siblings. (Argus Hamilton)

This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2, 000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2, 000 college students responded to the blaze. (Conan O'Brien)

On Mayor Michael Bloom-berg's leaving the Republican Party: "This act thoroughly decimates the elfin, effete and Jewish wing of the Republican Party. (Jon Stewart)

THE COURTS

A judge on Monday ruled in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants. The plaintiff says he will appeal, just as soon as his finishes his $600 million lawsuit against Snickers for not being packed with peanuts and failing to "really satisfy." (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court has ruled to spare a Texas man who the court said was too mentally incompetent to be executed. But the court ruled that the man was mentally competent enough to remain President of the United States. (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court has ruled that race cannot be a factor in the assignment of children to public schools. Immediately after the decision, Clarence Thomas was bused to a lower court. (Jake Novak)

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of allowing almost any group to air political ads on TV, as long as it can afford the costs. In other words, "free speech," now costs $100,000 for every 30 seconds. (Jake Novak)

THE ARMED FORCES

Staff Sgt. Elizabeth Cowie survived breast cancer earlier this year and is now serving in Iraq... joining the army was apparently the only way she could get health care insurance. (Jake Novak)

CRIME

Let’s review, Paris Hilton has gone to jail, Nicole Richey and Lindsay Lohan could go to jail, Martha Stewart went to prison, actor Tom Sizemore is going to prison. Its official, you now have a better chance to be locked up if you’re a celebrity than if you belong to al Qaeda.`(Alex Kaseberg)

INTERNATIONAL

In Dubai, officials say they want to become the next Orlando. They say the oil money will dry up and they want to build a giant Middle East theme park. They say it'll be just like Disneyland. The only difference is that every half hour when Prince Charming kisses Snow White, they'll both be stoned to death for immodesty. (Jay Leno)

GREAT BRITIAN

British Prime Minister Tony Blair left office after 10 years today. President Bush was pretty upset. Although they told President Bush that Blair just went to live on a farm. (Jay Leno)

Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he'll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it's cheaper to store our prisoners in India. (Stephen Colbert)

TAXES

Billionaire Warren Buffett bashed Congress Tuesday night for not making the rich pay enough taxes. Of course, Buffett forgot that Congress actually does impose a special added tax on the super rich; it's called "campaign donations." (Jake Novak)

SPACE & NASA

On Friday, the space shuttle landed successfully here in California, and it made history. It marked the first time seven people landed here in one vehicle legally. (Jay Leno)

HEALTH

The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say symptoms include shortness of breath and 'wideness' of ass. (Conan O'Brian)

A council of doctors says five million kids may be addicted to video games. The symptoms include holing up in their room, ignoring family and friends and doing badly in school. Otherwise known as being a teenager. (Jim Barach)

A 15 year old Indian boy performed a C-Section under the watch of his parents, both doctors. His parents wanted him to be listed in the Guinness Book of World's Records as the youngest surgeon. Unfortunately he still came in at two years older than Doogie Howser. The boy's parents may end up in jail. The boy may end up at an HMO. (Jim Barach)

Last year in this country there were more people killed as a result of firearms than as a result of automobile accidents. A trend that will continue until we can develop a more accurate automobile. (Jonathon Katz)

THE ENVIRONMENT

The U.S. government has taken the bald eagle off the Endangered Species Act's "threatened" list. Conservationists say this is the result of crackdowns on hunters, better awareness, and Rogaine. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

A “Sports Illustrated” article lists all the sports stars who have landmarks named after them. Green Bay has a Ray Nitschke Memorial Bridge, Miami has a Don Shula Expressway and coming soon to Atlanta, the Michael Vick Pet Cemetery.`(Alex Kaseberg)

Forty-four year old Evander Holyfield will fight Lou Saverese, 41, Saturday in El Paso. Under Texas Boxing Commission requirements, there will be a "three heart defibrilations" rule in effect. (Bob Mills)

Barry Bonds baseball cards plummeted in value last week when road crowds booed him louder and louder as he neared Hank Aaron's home-run record. The booing is only going to get worse. Just yesterday he came out in favor of the immigration reform bill. (Argus Hamilton)

USC basketball coach Tim Floyd offered a scholarship to a fourteen-year-old boy who stood out at his summer camp. Last year he signed up another fourteen year old boy. Now you know why the USC Trojans open play this fall in the new Michael Jackson Arena. (Argus Hamilton)

Barry Bonds was running fourth among outfielders in All-Star balloting by fans Wednesday. He can't win. Last week he ignited a victory by stealing second base and then scoring on a shallow fly ball, and now everyone wants him tested for cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

Tennessee Titan Pacman Jones was charged with two felonies Tuesday in the Las Vegas strip bar shooting in February. Last week he was involved in another shooting in Atlanta. He plays safety but apparently he doesn't like to take his work home with him. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

Mel Brooks turned down Cloris Leachman for Young Frankenstein Friday, saying the eighty-one-year-old actress is too old to work on Broadway. It's his call. Actors always say they want to die on-stage, but they don't have to pay the insurance premiums. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA

Paris Hilton will do her first interview Wednesday with Larry King. They're billing it as "cranky meets skanky." (Jay Leno)

I was sweatin' like Larry King trying to come up with simple enough questions to ask Paris Hilton. That's how hot. (Jay Leno)

CELEBRITIES

Now that she is out of jail, Paris Hilton says she's thankful "she can get back to normal," and stop doing things that make her uncomfortable, like having sex off-camera. (Jake Novak)

Paris Hilton came strutting out of Los Angeles county jail Monday looking like a supermodel. The first thing she did was to ask her parents to take her to Taco Bell. Just for saying that, she was paid one million dollars by Kentucky Fried Chicken. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton's neighbors signed a petition Friday asking her to move away. She lives a block above the Sunset Strip. They've heard she's been reading the Bible and straightening out her life, and some things will not be tolerated in West Hollywood. (Argus Hamilton)

L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss was in court Tuesday after being arrested for drunk driving with a twenty-three-year-old woman in his car. He'll probably get community service. Old goats are needed to keep hillside brush under control during fire season. (Argus Hamilton)

Variety said Monday Hugh Hefner's life will be made into a movie. It covers his career, his sex exploits and his social activism. The script's not finished, but in the final credits the producers will thank Sir Alexander Fleming for inventing penicillin. (Argus Hamilton)

Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling. (Jay Leno)

Michael Moore faced possible federal prosecution Friday for trading with Cuba in his movie Sicko. He brought Americans to Havana for treatment he said they could not get in the United States. Blue Cross doesn't cover underage girls and fine cigars. (Argus Hamilton)

This week, Ozzie Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzie said he had to sell the house because he said, "I could never find it." (Conan O'Brien)

RELIGION

The Catholic Church has issued a Ten Commandments for the Car. The list claims the car should not be used for the occasion of sin. Paris Hilton has apparently already violated three Commandments from the front seat and five in the back seat. (Jim Barach)

EDUCATION

A Virginia middle school has banned all touching, including hugs, handshakes and "high fives". Teachers complain that it takes away some of the intimate moments they enjoy before having sex with their students. (Jim Barach)

CULTURE

June is national dairy month... which of course means that July will be national lactose intolerance month. (Jake Novak)

HISTORY

The CIA admitted Tuesday the agency recruited the Mafia fifty years ago to try to kill Fidel Castro. The mobsters couldn't persuade any of Fidel's lovers to slip poison into his milkshakes. It's little things like cab fare home that save your life. (Argus Hamilton)

HOLIDAYS

Wednesday is the 4th of July. It’s the day we celebrate our independence. If you have trouble lighting your fireworks, there’s a guy on the customer service line from India to help you. (Alan Ray)

BUSINESS

Nissan announced they are going to build a car in India that will retail for just $3,000. But it’s available only to the Indian people. How about building a car for $3,000 for Americans who lost their jobs to India? Wouldn’t that be better? (Jay Leno)

Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They have asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don't want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead." (Conan O'Brien)

Chrysler is introducing a gas saving measure that will have a six cylinder engine drop three cylinders when less power is needed. That's nothing new. Ford cars have been dropping four to seven cylinders whether they need them or not for years. (Jim Barach)

Continental Airlines apologized for an Amsterdam-to-Newark flight Monday night where raw sewage flowed down the aisle. It seemed like a good idea at the time. No one's ever thought of a better way to prepare two hundred passengers for the transition to Newark. (Argus Hamilton)

Continental Airlines has apologized to passengers for sewage that leaked into the plane on a flight from Amsterdam to New Jersey. Apparently only one lavatory was available because Ralph Fiennes was in the others with flight attendants. (Jim Barach)

OTHER

The U.S. Conference of Mayors convened Friday at the Century Plaza Hyatt Regency in Los Angeles. It was an easy get for Hyatt. If anyone back home had heard their mayor was inside a Hilton in Los Angeles, it would have ruined their political careers. (Argus Hamilton)

MY HUNDRED!

2007-07-01T04:30:00.000+05:30

When I decided to create this blog the end of last month (May 2007), I just did it out of a general restlessness that comes with a particular age. Lucky men have this restlessness when in their teens, and smoke grass, go trekking, have multiple girl friends, and try things like bungee jumping, sky-diving, and much, much more. In my salad days, I did none of the above. Life, however, makes few exceptions with human beings whose cerebral protoplasmic content is within normal ranges. So I got hit by life a couple of years back with the above syndrome, where the mind goes onto a constant search mode, and the heart beats at a Indiana Jones kind of cadence, and kept looking more and more inward.
Working hard now at my work place, and then spending time voicing my self in this blog has been balm over a soul that sometimes feels life treats it like an Afghan goat in Buzkashi.
Whatever, I am happy to write this hundredth post, and pat you on the back and say: "Mu asuchhi". That is Oriya for "I am coming". For a guy who was not sure whether he was coming or going, this is progress. Don't you agree?

GOGGLED AT GETTING GOOGLED!

2007-06-30T05:51:00.000+05:30

I started this blog around end May. Now, a month or so later, I am amazed at being googled at a fairly high level.
I still have no idea of how bloggers do their SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) so that their blogs get into the higher levels of Google hits. I actually heard repeatedly that it takes several months for the search engines to recognise a blog. Now look at this:

And this (a search for Michael Moore and UTube got this blog as a number one hit):

Similarly, a Comcast search on 'Celine and FTV' brought out the article on Crezendo, the vibrating condom, at number six, on the first page.
I learnt all this, and continue to do so, using the Sitemeter stats. Big Brother G is really watching, huh?
I really don't know what to make of all this, as it could be the combination of the search words that does some funny trick, but...., this blog is alive. That, for me, is all that matters.

UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE: HIDDEN SKELETONS?

2007-06-29T17:47:00.000+05:30

Disclaimer: Let's not even talk of the Indian health care scenario!

Here is a post from Cafe Hayek, a site for the relatively unconventional intellectual, about universal health care in France being cruel to patients. The example of the poor patient dying without any care whatsoever in a country that prides itself on a fine and free health care system raises doubts about the 'universality' of their health care.
Even in countries like Canada and UK, where the State is responsible for health care for all (barring tiny exceptions), the long waiting lists and prioritisation protocols leave a lot of patients with sustained suffering. A study that reveals how many people die in such socialised health care systems would be an eye opener. I am not clear about this. Sweden, for example, is another great model of advanced health care that is entirely state sponsored.
At least for some patients, the system short-changes them in favor of an ideal that is questionable in its premise.
Health is considered to be a fundamental human right. This assertion leaves unanswered the poser of who is going to pay for this 'right'.
Just like 'happiness', it is only the pursuit or endeavor which can be a right, not the entire mechanism of healthcare, which needs taxation. Is taxation a fundamental right of the bureaucrats?

THE I-PHONE LAUNCH

2007-06-28T20:24:00.001+05:30

While the world waits endlessly for the iPhone launch, let us give some space to the nay-sayers. Here are 11 reasons not to buy an iPhone.
Ok, job over, fairness be damned, let us now drool over the phenomenal vibes coming off from experts on the gadget. David Pogue has answered some FAQs on the device.
You know how interested in the iPhone I am, as I have posted before.

Craze for the device is just as Apple must have planned it. People have been queueing outside Apple stores for four days now, and sleeping on the pavement, 'bathing' in the faucets in the Apple store bathrooms, and hoping for some food given by benevolent New Yorkers. I think those who manage to buy it today will be the ones who will flaunt it for some time, because stocks are going to run out.
As with all Apple products, I think a little wait will give buyers a better and trouble-free product, as the initial problems will have got sorted out by that time.
At least, as one resigned to waiting in India for an year at the least, this is what is consolation for the Apple-crazy fan.

OBESE KIDS: WHAT HELPS AND WHAT DOES NOT?

2007-06-27T20:03:00.000+05:30

The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) has published an article that deals with weight management programmes for obese kids.
I read this article eagerly, hoping for some new wisdom on the vexing issue of childhood and adolescent obesity, about which I am interested. Eleven authors for one study: very impressive, or... a bit suspicious? Too many authors looks like a few are free-tripping on the basis of position or something. You know, a Head of Department is also listed as an author, even though he may have done nothing more than signing his name. Anyways, I digress, as usual.

What does the article say? It says simply that where the weight reduction program was followed intensively, really hands-on, the results were better than the typical programs used before. Now it is a known fact that 95% of diet-and-exercise regimes fail to provide sustained weight loss. So how does the JAMA article make a difference? Look for yourself:
"The success of the Bright Bodies program undoubtedly relates, in part, to the frequent contacts between families and the professional staff." Which means that the team sat on the heads of the parents and their fat kids. Obviously, they can't do this forever, so once their attention is withdrawn, things are liable to turn back all over again.
"While the program was very successful in treating overweight children, the expense incurred in operating such a program is substantial." Meaning to say, in other words:"Don't even think you can afford this kind of treatment. This is only because we got big funding to enable us to publish this expensive scientific paper".

"Future work for our group includes cost-benefit analyses, as this would be helpful for pediatric clinicians or health management organizations that are considering offering similar services to overweight children and adolescents." Meaning "We are going to ask for more funds so that we can then publish another paper in JAMA that what we are doing is too expensive to be practical, and the State (or somebody) should allocate money for this project, which we will be happy to spearhead."
Another article that proves that the world is round, as are our bellies!

THE TEEN SURGEON: WHY THE FUSS?

2007-06-27T15:06:00.000+05:30

We have all read of the Indian teen surgeon who did a Caesarian Section under the doting eyes of his parents, one a surgeon and the (m)other a gynecologist. The father thought he could post a claim for the 'youngest surgeon of the world' tag with a beer manufacturing company that recognises the oddballs in the world, and out of it! The only thing is he forgot his son had no degree, and that for the patient, it would be a medical third-degree.
Now, after putting the parents behind bars, the cops are out looking for the young boy.
I have some brilliant points lined up as commentary about this event. In case I forget these and end up with just a typically chaotic circum-Presidential mish-mash (a.k.a. 'beating about the bush'), blame it on the hot air. Global warming is finally here!

First, the act of experimenting on a patient is tough enough to defend. Next, the father has to defend doing that without taking due consent from the patient and her unborn child. Another problem: he has to explain away his enormous stupidity to his in-laws on one side of the prison bars! How could he, as a practising doctor, not know that he was publicising an act that would make him not only a criminal in law, but a criminal-in-law!?
To top it all, he didn't have the brains to marry a woman who would have the senses about her to tie him down to his chair and ask him to behave. What sort of woman allows her husband to make such a global ass of himself, unless he is the President of the United States? I mean, is her name Hillary or what?
Dr. Murugesan (let us all reverentially call him by that prefix before it gets struck off the rolls) was not much more than stupid and unlucky. He just had the typical Indian laissez faire (to give the term a bad name it doesn't deserve) chalta hai attitude that embellishes a blatant disrespect for the law, and a conviction that in this country, do what you can before you get caught, if at all, and then buy and beg your way out.
In much of the country, health care is about making a black buck and hunting a case like the animal of the same name.
So a surgeon trains his son to be an expert surgeon, a money making cottage industry, without remembering that civilised Third world countries also profess (practice is a different thing altogether) the need for certain recognisable standards like degrees (what degrees?), credentialling and privileges. Those are Western standards. Do they have any relevance in a country where quacks treat a majority of people, where politicians and actors sniff the pungent feet of inebriated sadhus and babas, where neurosurgeons cut hydroceles, and cardiac surgeons do hernia operations? Yes, I am not talking of the big city hospitals, but of the real India, from which we are blissfully protected by our LCD screens and power-windows.
In a country where the health infrastructure rests dominantly on quacks, why target an errant surgeon to this extent? Let us give him his place under the Indian sun, and make him a Health Minister or something. That will show the world that, bullshitters though we may be, we are consistent and honest, unlike Zimbabwe, Gabon or Bangladesh. But, as we say: "What to do, we are like this only!"

THE BUZZ OF THE VIBRATING CONDOM

2007-06-25T22:09:00.000+05:30

Well, here is another great invention getting some stick, as opposed to getting on it: the new vibrating condom called Crezendo, has been indickted as harmful to Indian culture. The Prime Minister of India has been attacked by politicians for "promoting a sex toy that is harmful to Indian culture".
This condom, as the news stories say, has a chip in its base, and vibrates to give pleasure. The condom, so the story goes, will become popular in India and help in stopping the spread of AIDS, which occurs mainly because Indian men think condoms are harmful to their culture. It is a small wonder that in a country where babies are created faster than you can say ‘Rabbit’, sex itself is not considered to be anti-Indian. I strongly support a public movement against all sex. Let us ban sex. Let our wonderful politicians take the initiative and take a hard stand one night on this menace. Let them declare under oath that, as long as they are Ministers or MPs, they will not have sex with any human (male, female, or indeterminate), with any animal, plant, or derivative products, or with any object, natural or synthetic, without fear or favor. And they cannot even say “Gaaaawdd” when they come to the natural culmination of this topic, leaving no issue, if you understand me!
Once our great politicians stand on one pole, the rest of the nation can ban sex. Naturally, sex toys, condoms (vibrating or silent, spicy or fruity), sexy, vulgar TV channels like FTV, AXN (no, don't ask me why--I am surprised even the History channel is not banned), etc. will be wiped out. Mass opinion will flush these cockroaches down the drain.
As long as this issue still remains at large and pokes us in the eye, let us milk this topic for all its worth, go the nine inches, sorry yards, and ask the most important question:
“Does the vibrating condom actually work the way we imagine it to?”

GREAT EXPECTATIONS IRAQED!

2007-06-24T21:40:00.000+05:30

Mounting frustrations with local hospitals pushed this young peasant to seek a second opinion at the nearest Ivory Tower. His complaints prompted a urine analysis for which he was sent to a nearby lab. The lab policy demanded a pre-pay along with the sample! The charge was 20 Dinars. Pissed off and cock-a-hoop with indignation, he whined, "Why so much? In my home town we pay 5 Dinars and we do not even have to give a sample!!"

A new proctologist started his promising business in a small town where there was no match for his skills. Among his first patients was a peasant who believed that a good physician should know what is wrong without soliciting information from the patient! The doctor completed a focused exam and hoped he would put his finger on the problem with the tools of his trade but to no avail. The patient finally revealed his illness, a bad tooth that needed to be pulled out! "But why did you let me dig deep in your butt at that time?" Said the doctor in vain. "I assumed you were going to pull it from the root", the peasant replied!

It was a bad weekend on call for Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Medical City Teaching hospital in Baghdad. Three smaller hospitals were closed due to tetanus. By default, we became the only one taking patients. I remember there were 75 admissions in 36 hours! Patients were laying anywhere and everywhere, beds or no beds. One proud dad came to discharge his wife and his new heir, but....We could not find either of them! After 2 long hours of search, the man spelled out his choice: "Tell you what, give me my wife back and you can keep the baby!"

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-23-07

2007-06-24T05:57:00.000+05:30

From Stan Kegel

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online. (Jay Leno)

The U.S. Senate grilled the State Department in hearings Monday over the backlog in passport applications. Travel rules vary. You need a passport to travel from the United State to Mexico but to come back you just need a bottle of water and a compass. (Argus Hamilton)

Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad things are going for the Bush administration that even Dick Cheney pretends he has nothing to do with it? (Pedro Bartes)

The makers of the diet drug Alli include a disclaimer that Alli can cause uncontrollable diarrhea and they recommend wearing dark clothes and bringing a change of pants with you. Talk about a crappy endorsement. (Alex Kaseberg)

Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced. (David Letterman)

Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong? (Conan O'Brien)

President Bush gave a speech Friday at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast held in a Washington D.C. hotel. He wanted to shake hands with everybody afterwards, however he didn't have the time. His wristwatch is in a pawn shop somewhere in Albania. (Argus Hamilton)

In a campaign ad that's a spoof of the big 'Sopranos' finale, Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. Anybody know the difference between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? See, Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary Clinton goes to the strip club to find her spouse. (Jay Leno)

Scooter Libby was ordered to jail Thursday for lying to cover up for the White House. He's from a very wealthy family. Scooter Libby holds the distinction of being the richest person to go to jail this week who never made an Internet sex video. (Argus Hamilton)

The Vatican released its Ten Commandments of Driving in which they encourage you to pray while you drive: Our Father who art in heaven don't let Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel cross my path on my way to work. (Pedro Bartes)

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

Michael Bloomberg's a billionaire, Bloomberg. He’s so rich, he owns a TV channel dedicated only to money. In 2005, in the mayor’s race in New York, he spent a hundred dollars for every vote. A hundred bucks! Of course he won! For a hundred bucks, I’d vote for the Olsen twins! (Craig Ferguson)

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party... and has become an Independent.... Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don't confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president. (Jay Leno)

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is leaving the Republican Party and becoming an Independent, possibly to prepare for a White House run. Well nice try, Bloomberg. You can't just choose to be Independent. It's not like being gay. (Stephen Colbert)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg left the Republican Party yesterday and became unaffiliated; because like in any sinking boat, the rich are the first ones to abandon it. (Pedro Bartes)

On rumors Bloomberg will run for POTUS: I assume some of the media feel that the mayor's personal wealth could overcome his image as a short, Jewish, effete, Jewish, bachelor, Jewish, presidential candi-Jew. (Jon Stewart)

Even after becoming an independent, it's still not clear if New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg will run for president. But if elected, he promises to pass a law that will require Americans to step outside the United States every time they want to smoke. (Jake Novak)

Mayor Mike Bloomberg hinted Tuesday that he may run for president. He's a self-made billionaire and a former defendant in a sexual harassment suit. For the first time in fifteen years comedians aren't forced to support the Clintons out of self-interest. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton picked "You and I," a Celine Dion song, as part of her political campaign. Not to be outdone, Presidential Republican candidate John McCain also chose another Celine Dion song as part of his political campaign: The theme song of "Titanic." (Pedro Bartes)

Rudy Giuliani's South Carolina campaign chairman was caught with five hundred grams of cocaine. He was just doing his job. For months he's been told that the GOP presidential nomination would go to whichever candidate can energize the base. (Argus Hamilton)

Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter, You are going to jail. (Conan O'Brien)

Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, 'Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine. (Conan O'Brien)

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama on Monday said his campaign made a 'dumb mistake' when it circulated a memo criticizing Hillary Rodham Clinton's financial ties to India. Apparently, since he released the info, he hasn't been able to fix his computer when he calls tech support. (Pedro Bartes)

Steven Spielberg endorsed Hillary Clinton for president Thursday. His motives are no secret in Hollywood. The endorsement virtually guarantees the director of Indiana Jones the movie rights to Bill Clinton's next love affair in the White House. (Argus Hamilton)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger. (jay Leno)

Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She's a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship. (Craig Ferguson)

Bill Clinton is now stepping into the forefront of his wife's presidential campaign, accompanying here on trips to Iowa, appearing in campaign ads, and for some reason, privately interviewing all the campaign interns. (Jake Novak)

Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200-mile campaign trip through Iowa. Brownback said, "I'm not gonna stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am." (Conan O'Brien)

PRESIDENT BUSH

Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now. (Jay Leno)

According to USA Today -- this is why Congress has such a low approval rating -- 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb. (Jay Leno)

On the rumor that President George W. Bush's wristwatch was stolen while meeting with crowds in Albania: "I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since - well, Al Gore. (David Letterman)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Cheney is having his pacemaker replaced this month. It's a new model with lots of gadgets. This one issues pardons and destroys emails. (Gorsefeathers)

THE DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton, it was revealed Thursday, received a six-figure speaking fee from the Boys and Girls Club of America. However, the organization just fired Alex Rodriguez as their spokesman for carousing with strippers. It's a civil rights case if there ever was one. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, 'cause they say they can't find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don't want to do. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

Democrats in Congress are extremely mad over the deleted White House emails connected to the U.S. Attorney firing scandal. The Democrats are interested in what every email said, especially the ones that claimed to have non-prescription formulas for penis enlargement. (Jake Novak)

THE COURTS

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Tennessee law aimed at limiting the recruiting of middle school athletes because, "hard-sell tactics could lead to exploitation and foster an environment in which athletics are prized more highly than academics"... which is something that shouldn't happend until college. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer reversed himself Thursday and endorsed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. He has his reasons. The sales tax is so high in New York that if snack food sales go up just one percent he can give city workers a raise. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It's been weeks since I walked through Central Park screaming, "I'm hit! I'm hit!" (Dave Letterman)

THE ARMED FORCES

The Pentagon reportedly planned a "gay bomb" that would unleash hormones to turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals who were more concerned about sex than fighting. The alternative plan was just to invade Greece. (Jim Barach)

THE LAW

North Carolina has disbarred Duke lacrosse team prosecutor Mike Nifong for dishonesty, fraud and deceit. Or, as it's called among lawyers, 'professionalism.' (Alan Ray)

Durham prosecutor Mike Nifong was disbarred Saturday over his misconduct in the Duke rape case. What a mess. He was found guilty of dishonesty, misrepresentation, fraud and deceit, or as it's known in the legal community, the four basic food groups. (Argus Hamilton)

Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people's lives in the private sector now. (Jay Leno)

Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? They used to just dispense justice now they're all crazy. There's the crying judge in Florida, there's the judge in D. C. who's suing the dry cleaners for $67 million because they lost his pants. If I had a nickel for every time I lost my pants... but there were no dry cleaners involved. (Craig Ferguson)

TERRORISM

Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton went back to a women's jail Thursday after spending a week in the county medical detention center. They've had to post extra guards around her cell during visitors hours. That's because all her girlfriends are built like skeleton keys. (Argus Hamilton)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

More than 36,000 couples were married in a special ceremony in New Delhi, India on Sunday. There was a message involved. It was a move by that country to halt the activity known as sex. (Alan Ray)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The White House announced that this summer President Bush plans to meet with the president of Mexico. The two presidents will meet in the capital of Mexico... Los Angeles. (Conan O'Brien)

Mexico City is considering legalizing prostitution. Apparently they are looking at all the options to try to keep at least some men on their side of the border. (Jim Barach)

In an essay published on Friday, Fidel Castro said the U. S. will never have Cuba. Never have? We already have. It's called Miami. (Jay Leno)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Let's begin tonight in Iraq, where the United States coalition forces are staging a massive attack against al Qaeda in the Diyala province, now considered Iraq's most violent region. Which is something akin to being, say, The Village People's gayest member. (Jon Stewart)

Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, "If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f*** them up" (Conan O'Brien

Now that Mahmoud Abbas has expelled Hamas from his government, the U.S. and EU have resumed sending aid to the Palestinians. This means Palestinian women can have enough food to feed their children before sending them off to suicide bombing school. (Jake Novak)

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas harshly criticized the Islamic Hamas on Wednesday for taking over Gaza last week, saying its members were "murderous terrorists"... sounds like someone is just a little jealous. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

There's something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they're German. You know they're just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. (Craig Ferguson)

The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together. Does this sound familiar? (Craig Ferguson)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

I guess you heard, there's a huge problem with the Russian space station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went down. Pretty scary. But they're hoping they can fix the problem and call tech support when they fly over India. (Jay Leno)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

United Nations chief nuclear weapons inspector Mohamed ElBaradei tried to cool tensions between the U.S. and Iran Thursday. He said it would be an act of sheer madness to attack Iran over its refusal to freeze their nuclear program. So it's a go. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Americans drove fewer miles in 2005, the first decrease in twenty five years. The number one reason for less travel was no job to go to. (Jim Barach)

HEALTH

A New York doctor claims that he has invented a cream that makes women's orgasms much more intense. Apparently, the cream works best when applied by Brad Pitt. (Conan O'Brien)

Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist. (Conan O'Brien)

The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas. (Conan O'Brien)

The makers of the diet drug Alli included a disclaimer that Alli can cause bad diarrhea. As a result, they are now touting Alli as an effective cough suppressant because, the diarrhea is so bad, you’ll be too afraid to cough. (Alex Kaseberg)

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. (Andy Borowitz)

IN BED, BLOGGY STYLE!

2007-06-23T05:24:00.000+05:30

Blogging.
Looking catatonically at a screen.
Moving blind fingers invisibly over a silent keyboard (it’s a Mac).
Smiling serenely, reading unreal compliments about oneself.
Going to bed with a hot piece. A laptop.
Becoming too self-possessed to notice your iBags.
Sprouting a hernioid mid-part that serves as a table for the PowerBook.
(At least the gonads are spared the thermal damage, but why do I bother?)
Make friends with perfect strangers, like Hugh Grant does with women on the street.
Diagnose you are getting bald when the laptop malfunctions, because all your hairs went into the AS..H.. L; (I mean the keys on board, have a look at yours, keyboard, I mean!)
Only people with really dirty minds must be reading my blogs.
Have early morning headaches the way women have big-night headaches (both work as anorexiants for the sex organs). Useless brainwave #4358= let us call them gonorexiants! Or libidorrhagic agents. Is there a Nobel Prize for being just clever?
Laugh like a hysterical patient of hysteria while reading the popularity of your blog: at 22476824930044999000000004427639427398, you never knew that many earthlings even existed, leave alone earthlings with enough shillings to bear internet billings.
Stare vacantly past conversations made by people, thinking about the mystique of being labeled 22476824930044999000000004427639427398 in the planet. Even as a poor student, you stood 18th in a class of 35 students. Never 22476824930044999000000004427639427398. No, I have thought about this, never.
Google must be wrong. With that many computers and terabytes (whichever way they spell that) they are bound to get confused and make the occasional mistake.
As you are vacant and contemplative, your spouse is now convinced you are having an(other) affair. God, how good that feels, to be even considered good enough to be having an affair!
The sub-pubic ambient temperatures are very high, but not so much an androgenic as an electronic phenomenon: the PowerBook is known to generate heat enough to cause blisters on a hippo’s ass, if such hippo were resourceful enough to blog on a Mac.
I read in a blog that every man and his dog have a blog. Why not a hippo? Tell me, anyone??
I think the heating issue is now affecting my hippocampus, and the whole planet.

LOVE LETTERS

2007-06-22T14:15:00.000+05:30

Thanks, Stan Kegel, for this amazing bit of wordsmithery!

A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowel.

"Hi!" he says. "Have you ever been here before?"

"Of cursive," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time."

He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl. He looks her over. She's short and has a nice assonance. He thinks she has a fine upper-case as well.

He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn't know what to say. He is, at present, tense.

"You've a lovely set of... teeth," he sputters. "Do you Crush with breast--I mean, do you brush with Crest?"

"Oh my God, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure."

Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy. He pictures a perfect wedding. They exchange wedding vowels.

The minister says, "I now pronouns you husband and wife."

They kiss each other on the ellipsis. "I love you, noun forever, " he whispers. The conjugation is in tiers.

(In a word, they are wed.)

He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance.

She declines.

"Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."

"Are you prepositioning me?"

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition."

"Oh my God, you're like, such a boldfaced character!"

"I see your point. But I'm font of you."

"Do I have to spell it out to you? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Reluctantly, he decides to letter b.

"Now my evening lies in runes," he laments.

He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.
(By Gary Roma)

NEW SURGICAL SPECIES

2007-06-21T15:00:00.000+05:30

This article I wrote is the front page editorial of this June issue of General Surgery News, though the online version is not yet available.

Scientists, poor sods, say that a new species of animal or insect is discovered only once in every ten years or so. With scientific research booming, along with the explosion of the information technology industry, there is very little that is new. Somewhere in the chaotic interaction of gigabytes and Google, of genetic engineering and gamete storage, new species of human beings have evolved right under our very noses, and yet remained undiscovered. Amazingly, the mutation (for this is a sudden, unplanned change rather than the other, slowish sort of genetic change for which there surely is a name) has happened in a classa humanis that stubbornly resists change, almost like the Indian socialist: I refer to Homo surgicalis, the erstwhile, slowly extinctifying class of barber-ic surgeons.

If you are unaware of the evolution, and yet are part of the revolution, you are probably a laparoscopic surgeon. And if, God save you and your patients, you are unaware of both, you are likely a true-blue general surgeon, whose ancestors were knee-deep in blood and other unspeakably foul-smelling and distasteful body fluids, chopping gangrenous small bowel that looked like mutant, imported (from Italy, of course) tagliatelle, and expertly removing gall bladders that looked like last year’s aubergines bought at the Giants’ special offer!
Anyways, back to the point: what is my point, you ask?
If you consider the nature of the surgeon in the last decade and the coming one, you will understand.
The Laparoscopic Surgeon (LS) is stereotypically a very dynamic, ambitious animal possessed of more skills than wisdom, much like a New York senator wanting to be President. In the midst of a busy, lucrative practice, he has to use his frequent flier points and travel to Honduras or Nicaragua and show the natives how to do a TEP or a fundoplication. He also has to appear annually, sage-like, at the world’s premier endoscopic surgical conference and present his ‘innovation’ in laparoscopy that he noticed in a third world workshop last year. It is a different matter that the audience is more interested in seeing his impressive list of ‘conflicting interests’ than in his video, but men will be men: ‘yours is bigger than mine’ is a syndrome of comparative truth, from childhood to andropause.
An amazing thing about this new class of Homo surgicalis: the lap surgeon uses tiny incisions of around six or eight inches, sometimes, that are only a few nanometers smaller than the huge ones made by his evolutionarily challenged brother, called ‘HALS’ or ‘extraction ports’, that dramatically reduce operating time, hospital stay, and wound infections. The world has woken up to this New Reality: that an incision heals faster and easier if made in laparoscopic surgery, especially ‘mine’, and the old buzzards better, well, buzz off! The chapter of open surgery is now closed!
The LS is like a hypothetical animal that uses its long horns to snare fruits from the top of a tree because it is aware of its long horns. It forgets its jaws, its strong limbs, and its quick jump, just because its long horns are its pride, its quintessential hubris. The LS, likewise, uses his scope-vision to treat all his patients. The results are likely to be, for want of a better word, fruitful.
Homo laparoscopus (HL) has another peculiar feature: the species is taller and more dynamic than the Gandhian ‘internist’ class of physicians, known in informed circles as Homo prescriptus. A sub sect of HL is a sub-specialist working in Hernia Institutes or as a consultant to Ethical and un-Ethical mesh manufacturing companies. This is an example of Homo inguinus, a groinocological surgeon.
A new disease affecting the calcaneum and the plantar ligaments awaits existence, but the treatment is already, um, ready: laparoscopic fasciectomies, tenotomies and other incomprehensible ablations, in the new department prosaically named the Laparoscopically Accessed Sole Surgery (LASS) and to be socked to the customers as ‘Hole-in-the-Sole’. As a new procedure class, it is a shoe-in, experts say. A niche in this would be endoscopically guided surgery for paronychia and hangnail removal that has been estimated to reduce global loss of millions of man-days every year. This class of surgeon should be anointed Homo subunguous. Research on stapling these stubborn hangnails and microvascular sealing systems to control bleeding from incisions should be available once the disease is recognized as a silent killer, much like the obesity pandemic that affects the poorest of countries. In fact, new research states that the poorer you are, the more likely you are to get fat. Says how badly the US economy has been doing for so long, isn’t it?
To come back to the laparoscopic surgeon, he is too self-possessed now to notice that his existence in the near future is jeopardized, much like an MP3 player walloped in the south pole by the iPod. He is focused on refining newer ways of image-guided gymnastics to such an extent that he fails to notice the change in the world around him. The new world is, forget small-incision surgery, all about no-incision (no scar) surgery.
This new class of specialist puts in scopes through all natural body orifices and takes out organs like a magician takes rabbits out of a hat. Only that the magician gets paid a lot less and is a lot more fun to watch. The invader of the hole on either pole of the body belongs to a new class called Pokus neodigestivus. Enter the new digestive surgeon, a hybrid of endoscopist and hard-boiled laparoscopic surgeon. Rarely, if ever, has a chimera extinguished a parent species, but this could well be the case here.
The interested audience to the new, enchanting, global, industry-sponsored circus-dance of the robots, the neo-endoscopists and the increasingly archaical laparoscopic surgeon is, as always, the general surgeon (sub-species skepticus) and the internist (sub-species studious). Seated in the ringside, so to speak, is the friendly media, Slurpus sensationalis.

When You Don't Take "No" for an Anwer!

2007-06-21T08:40:00.000+05:30

Do you know how it is to be on the frontlines in an active war? Just like getting married to the wrong person!
After my internship I was drafted into the military service during the Iraq-Iran war and reported to my infantry Battalion as ordered. My commander, a Colonel, had some peri-anal issues. Based on what he told me, I did not think he had piles, but he insisted he did and would not take “no” for an answer.

One early morning, I was summoned to his post, where he demanded an examination. But I had no proctoscope (a metal tube half as wide as an ice cream cone). He dispatched me with his guards some 30 miles away to the nearest MASH unit. There I was greeted with unusual respect and was indulged with all the tools of my liking. Back at the frontline, I performed the proctoscopy on my commander, a 5 feet-nothing, chubby male with a face the color of sun-dried Italian tomatoes. As I advanced the scope, the enemy could have heard his groans! His face turned the color of sun-dried Italian olives. Luckily for me, it went through fairly quickly. As he pulled his pants up he said, "Thank God I am not gay!” Dismissed!!

A MATTER OF PRIORITY!

2007-06-21T08:24:00.000+05:30

What started as a routine delivery one night (while I was laboring in the delivery department), turned out to be a misadventure! The delivery of this stubborn baby required the use of force! The obstetrician and I were sweating bullets while maneuvering the baby's head with forceps. We were not sure how either of us or the baby would survive this ordeal! But the baby finally decided to throw in the towel just before we did, and came out in one piece, loudly complaining about such a poor welcome to the world. The mom was doing well too. We felt like heroes and we were not about to let it go without bragging about it! We rushed to give the good news to the eager husband and father. After graphic explanations, we were ready for an onslaught of questions. To our surprise, the dad had only one thing to ask, "When can I have sex?" The Obstetrician replied,"Oh, just give me five minutes, while I go and pull out the placenta first!"

PUTTING THE FINGER ON THE TRUTH!

2007-06-20T19:08:00.000+05:30

One early morning, our group of twelve senior medical students reported to an outpatient clinic run by a consultant general surgeon. We started the day with a young chap complaining of pruritus ani (itchy butt-hole). What a way to start a day! Needless to say the patient was embarrassed to share his secret, and so were we, as we did not know what to expect.

The consultant surgeon interviewed the chap and asked him to the hot couch in knee-elbow position! While doing his digital exam, he gave us his blessings out of the corner of his eyes. Like soldiers in command, we all put our gloves on, each raising his or her index finger up in the air. With the patient looking on in awe, covering his face with his hands, each one of us got to greet his prostate! A total of thirteen of us! In sarcasm, the patient turned around while pulling his pants up and made a statement that is still ringing in my ears every time I take a medical student through such an exam: "Hey doc, for Heaven's sakes, is this a butt or a medical university?"

DOC, YOU FORGOT SOMETHING?

2007-06-20T06:28:00.000+05:30

You have, like me, all seen at some time or the other, some movie or heard some joke about a surgeon's watch left in a patient's tummy during surgery. I don't know of too many doctors who can afford to leave their Breitlings and Rolexes in such secure vaults as the bellies of patients, but I do know of a few who have left pieces of cotton, called gauzes and mops (the latter being bigger and bulkier) inside, blissfully unaware that the patient was really not dying for the unwelcome implant!

In the days when I (as a resident) used to pick up patients from Government hospital OPDs and push them into surgeries because I wanted to do them (as opposed to their needing them at that moment), I once operated on a patient for a recurrent thyroid tumor. He had been operated a few years back and soon felt the same tumor, for which he came to me. No scans, those days. 'See and cut, cut and see' was the mantra. In the OR, the tumor turned out to be a piece of leftover gauze surrounded by a dense capsule of tissue reaction. Patient cured. Much later, I learnt that this was an example of a Gossypiboma. Doctors always try to mask this disaster as a 'Foreign Body', though not all foregn bodies are our creations (like thorns, fish-bones, etc).
It is every surgeon's nightmare when a mop goes missing during surgery. The theater nurse has to reconcile the count of mops she came in with before surgery, and she has to leave with the same numbers seen and counted outside the patient's abdomen. Else, an xray has to be got, though it is not a sure shot answer in the third world, and the patient may need to be re-opened, and...it is best avoided like an airplane co-passenger with XDR-TB!
Now, technology is here to make such silly things as obsolete as writing letters. SmartSponge System is a product that seems so simple you wonder why no one thought of it. It has a small Radio-frequency Identification Device (RFID) chip implanted in each sponge (an American name for a mop) with its own serial number. A device just detects the sponges at the end of surgery and counts them, with each number being listed. The FDA has just approved the device, and hopefully, it will become a standard gadget in our ORs.
As a laparoscopic surgeon, I have less worries with sponges, as it hard to imagine pushing in a six inch sponge through a 10 mm cannula. But I can push in small gauze pieces to soak up stuff, and this technology would be one way to prevent becoming too (in)famous!

INSECT INSIDE

2007-06-19T19:32:00.000+05:30

Scientists have implanted computer chips in a pupa within a cocoon, leading to the creation of an intelligent moth that can be remote controlled. Stretching the imagination a bit, one can visualise these moths , fitted with cool, hi-res video cameras that transmit images wirelessly to the CIA, as spying on terrorist groups. This is yet another brainy project of DARPA, the US Army Division that plans research for the future. It may be worth remembering that DARPA is credited for the creation of the internet! For the full article on the cyborg moth, click here.
I have, in my article 'The Science of Bioterror', mentioned how the counterterror gurus have devised similar remote-controlled bees that are capable of detecting biological agents of terrorism, like anthrax, for example. I have been privileged to interact personally with Rick Satava, an authority on Disruptive Medicine, about which I have written previously.
While it remains to be seen how the fast evolving terrorists react to future technologies, we are likely to see commercially available advanced, miniature spying devices that will be used to violate individual privacy. I cannot but quote Peter Valery here: “The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.”

JEST FOR KIDS 06-18-07

2007-06-18T19:13:00.000+05:30

Thanks, Stan Kegel!

Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

RIDDLES

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a ceramicist?
A hairy potter. (Richard Lederer)

Why was the little ink drop depressed?
Because his father was in the pen and wasn't coming out until the end of his sentence. (Gary Hallock)

What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me.

What do bees use to make their hair look nice?
Honey combs

Why do people buy things with their credit cards?
They get a charge out of it.

PUNS

When Peter Pan spoke to Captain Hook he made an off-hand comment.

My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.

He worked at a factory making eye glasses and was pushed into the machine. He made a spectacle of himself. He was framed.

GROANERS

One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. Since my mom was not with us my dad said, 'Hey, son, there are TWO of us in the car; you do the math. We were through there in no time!

OTHER HUMOR

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'
(Spike Milligan)

Children should be seen but not herded. (Anthony Gray)

"Waiter Waiter, there is a spider in my soup!"
"Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly."

"Goodbye and thanks for the radio," said Torn with a short wave. (Stan Kegel)

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44? Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

DOLMA AND DORMA

2007-06-18T18:37:00.000+05:30

My friends Samir and Layla Johna are on a roll with the celebrated Turkish dish Dolma. I hope you have read their previous post on dolma here. They have again made the dish and left us poor folks staring psychotically at the photographs. Angered and agitated at this lack of consideration, I decide to write about his pictures and his dish and share it with you.

According to a Wikipedia article on the dish, the best-known is the grape-leaf dolma, which is more precisely called yaprak dolma or sarma. Common vegetables to stuff include tomatoes and peppers.

The stuffing may include meat or not. Meat dolma are generally served warm, often with sauce; meatless ones are generally served cold. Both can be eaten along with yoghurt. The filling may be minced meat, rice or grain. In either case, the filling includes lemon juice, onion, parsley, herbs and spices. Meatless fillings are cooked with olive oil and include dried grapes, nuts or pulses.

Dolma cooked with olive oil without minced meat is sometimes called yalancı which literally means "liar", "false" or "fake" in Turkish. The reason for which it is described "false" is that it does not contain meat.
I realise now that this dish is very similar conceptually to the Bengali dish Potoler Dorma. This is essentially a fried pointed gourd that is stuffed with a fish like rohu or prawn. The whole dish is cooked in pungent mustard gravy. I personally chicken out of all fishy dishes, as I have said before, but love the vegetarian option, where the dorma is stuffed with coconut, nuts and raisins, and each piece of pointed gourd sits in absolute unity with its neighbor, bonded by the mustard. For a recipe of potoler dorma, click here.

GRIEVOUS HURT!

2007-06-17T17:55:00.000+05:30

I wrote this small piece back in 2005, when there was a news article on an enraged woman biting off her man's, er, cohones. Check it out.

How much weird do people need to get? We now hear that a woman ripped off the testicles of her lover and tried to swallow the harvest she reaped.
I think she was stretching it too far, wouldn't you say? She thought she would gonad when he refused her advances, and tried to take pole position.
After this rip-off of a romance, he can never, he says, count semen among his friends. Why, she did not even have the basic man-ners to know how to have a ball without biting off more than she could chew. The word 'phlegmatic' means to be combative. I propose the word 'spermatic' as a new coinage, to depict a rage that comes when one waves a red rag in front of a ball breaker. This lady may not have had a ball, but she did not have her bearings, either!

Anyways, I always thought men have balls so that they could scratch them. At least, that is how things looked from Calcutta, and it was much later that I learnt that even great men in history have needed to do that. Yes, yes, I know, this bit is making you itchy and fidgety. I mention the term scratching the balls as a valuable activity in pool. What did you think? Now that we are talking of this, the term ball scratching means 'a boring situation' in Hebrew.
However, a 'Ball Scratcher' is not a rude person. It means a greater-than-average difficult problem. You know, as opposed to a 'head scratcher'.
Again, I pass without purpose into particularly pruritic posts that puritan pundits will profoundly pillory, pummel, and pull to pieces. Allow me this alliterative attitude, avoiding allergic and acerbic acknowledgement of my attempt to allay an Anglicised abbystench!

Surgery Residents, are you still complaining?

2007-06-17T10:59:00.000+05:30

As a doctor who fled Iraq in 1991 after spending 6 years of my life in active duty on the frontlines, everything else I faced was Heaven for me. I was lucky enough to start my residency in general surgery only a few months after my boat landed on Los Angeles shores. Needless to say, surgical residency is a gruelling experience, and while I enjoyed it, many of my friends complained, and still do!!
Well, you complaining surgical residents, listen to this story!
There was a little sparrow that used to fly to the South every winter to avoid the cold weather. One winter it said,” I am leaving no more; I am tough and can take it.” And so it did. And before long, it started to snow and it fell, frozen, half-dead in the barnyard. A cow went by and crapped on the sparrow. It turned warm again and the sparrow was back to life. That was a big mistake because a cat saw what was happening. It came, cleared the shit off the sparrow, and ate it. I learned three lessons out of this:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy!
Not everyone who clears the shit off you is your friend!
and, most of all:
if you are happy and warm in the shit, keep quiet!!

GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND

2007-06-17T10:31:00.000+05:30

Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You thinks you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
Again, she replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-16-07

2007-06-16T23:02:00.000+05:30

From Stan Kegel:

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

In an interview in Marie Claire magazine, the beautiful Angelina Jolie says it's easier for her to hold a conversation when she's naked. She's more comfortable talking when she's nude. Well, can't we book her on the show? (Jay Leno)

The buried bones of a-200,000-year-old Mastodon were discovered in Carlsbad; there was an awkward moment when they asked Gov Schwarzenegger what he thought of the buried bones, Arnold said; "The Bury Bones is zah tremendous home run hitter but he took zah steroids, yah." (Alex Kaseberg)

This just in. Congress today voted to take enough money from the U. S. border security budget to build a 20-foot wall around Paris Hilton. A mobile wall -- one that goes wherever she goes. Some say it's welfare -- others say it's homeland security. (HaBlog)

Tonight marks the final episode of The Sopranos. From now on, people wanting to watch organized crime in New Jersey will just have to tune in to the State Legislature. (Jake Novak)

According to a new poll out today, Hillary Clinton's lead in the polls is due to her support by women. See, she's attracting the woman vote and Bill is attracting the other woman vote. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant is upset about being labeled a petulant brat despite his recent on-and-off trade demands and belittling his teammates and owner in the press. In fact, Kobe is so upset at the label petulant brat, if it doesn't stop, Kobe is going to hold his breath until he is blue. (Alex Kaseberg)

A billboard in Florida resembling a giant name tag reading "Hello, my name is Hugh Jass," has incensed parents because it's near a children's playground. Parents in Hollywood, Fla., were surprised an area radio station would place the sign so near a playground and asked city officials to remove it, The Miami Herald said Wednesday. "I can't believe they would put that near a park," said Michelle Aarons, a mother of two. In response to such complaints, Hollywood city officials asked the radio station to remove the sign from its highly visible location. The station's owner, ClearChannel Communications, has agreed to remove the sign from its home near the Hollywood Academy of Arts and Science Charter School. (Training To Laugh)

BUSH IN ALBANIA

George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him. (David Letterman)

President Bush was mobbed by adoring crowds in Albania Sunday as he toured the capital. The crowds reached over the rope line and began rubbing the president's head for good luck. This explains the sense of doom which pervades the entire region. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush received a hero's welcome on the streets of Albania Sunday. The crowd reached over the rope line to hug him and grab his hands. They knew whoever got his wristwatch could sell it on eBay for enough money to move to a real country. (Argus Hamilton)

I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded. To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as "the poor man's Kazakhstan." (Jon Stewart)

Press secretary Tony Snow denied president Bush had his watch stolen in Albania and said that Bush put it in his own pocket. Apparently it is normal for the president to put the watch in his pocket as prevention ; a procedure that he developed throughout the years after shaking hands with so many congressmen. (Pedro Bartes)

Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions (Jon Stewart)

President Bush is back from his big European tour. He became the first president to ever visit Albania. He got a hero's welcome there. Although there was one awkward moment when he told the crowd, "I love you albino people." (Jay Leno)

Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, "I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard" (Conan O'Brien)

People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he's a God. It's like that whole David Hasselhoff's a star in Germany. He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It's a dead end street, but it's the thought that counts. (Jay Leno)

PARIS HILTON

More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton was freed from Los Angeles County jail Thursday pending a hearing Friday. What an eerie week. With Paris Hilton in jail, Rosie O'Donnell off The View and President Bush in Europe, three out of four Americans suspected they had gone deaf. (Argus Hamilton)

You'll be happy to know that Paris Hilton is back in jail. If this is an episode of 'Punk'd,' it's the best episode ever. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton is now back in jail. Paris Hilton tried to testify over the phone but the judge ordered her to show up in person. The judge said he didn't want to talk to Paris on the phone because she charges three dollars a minute. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton was ordered back into jail by a Los Angeles judge to complete her forty-five day sentence on Friday. The county supervisors were flooded with phone calls from people complaining about the sentence. By a five-to-one margin, they favored execution. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton last year flunked a roadside sobriety test in West Hollywood even though witnesses said she had just one martini. It's a lesson for every starlet in town. They will test drunk just by walking through the bar if they don't start eating. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton was driven back to jail Friday with news helicopters overhead. It was celebrity justice long overdue. Everybody always hoped that someone would go to jail for killing Nicole Brown Simpson, but nobody thought it would be Paris Hilton. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Sharpton flew to Los Angeles Friday to complain about Paris Hilton's special treatment. He said it shows there's racism in Los Angeles. A race riot was narrowly avoided when Al Sharpton neglected to provide a Spanish translation for his comments. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Sharpton was here today. He flew out. He had a press conference to discuss how he felt Paris was getting preferential treatment. He was mad. In fact, he called her "a nappy-headed ho." (Jay Leno)

In a phone interview, Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that she has discovered god in jail. Yeah, in fact Paris said that praying is now her second favorite thing to do while down on her knees. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters from prison Monday to say she is giving up her dumb act. The heiress said she's not the ditzy character she plays in public. She said while in prison she found G-d, but was baffled as to why G-d was in prison. (Argus Hamilton)

Officials say the cost of keeping Paris Hilton in jail is 11 times the cost of the average inmate. Taxpayers described the cost of keeping Paris in jail as totally worth it. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton announced Monday that she won't appeal her jail sentence. She must spend the next three weeks in a locked room away from her family and alone with her books. Laura Bush just called the judge and offered to serve the sentence for her. (Argus Hamilton)

Paris Hilton has been in jail for three days. They're already making a movie about Paris Hilton being in jail. I believe they're calling it "The Bird Brain of Alcatraz." (David Letterman)

The judge apparently thought it was only fair -- Congress denied amnesty for low-wage illegal aliens, so he denied amnesty for rich girl Paris Hilton. The difference being, of course, that 12-million illegal aliens remain on the loose while Paris does not. (Scott Witt)

Paris still has a lot of fans. Paris-ites, I think they are called. Or maybe Parisians. Or my little name for them: morons. (Craig Ferguson)

The judge ordered Paris Hilton back to jail because he said she does not deserve special treatment. The judge pointed out that in Los Angeles, celebrities only get special treatment if they commit murder. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton is back in jail today. You know what that means Your cards and letters made a difference! Here's the scary part: In a show of support, Nicole Ritchie is going on a hunger strike. (Jay Leno)

They didn't televise the proceedings. They didn't want this to turn into some kind of a media circus. (Jay Leno)

Paris Hilton is reportedly not sleeping or eating while in jail. So it looks like she has really made herself at home after all. (Jim Barach)

How about that Paris Hilton thing? Isn't it silly? She was hustled into a squad car; she was screaming for her mother. not a pretty picture. That's exactly how I left NBC. (David Letterman)

Paris Hilton is adjusting to life in prison. It’s a bit different for her in the joint. A road trip now involves cleaning up the side of it. (Alan Ray)

THE CANDIDATES

Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He's endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he's putting her in his new movie, "Raiders of the Lost Cause." (Craig Ferguson)

Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in "Jurassic Park" with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in "Close Encounters." You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in "E.T." (-Jimmy Kimmel)

Senator Joseph Lieberman says the U.S. should seriously consider a military strike against Iran. Too bad we still haven't seriously considered our military strike against Iraq. (Jake Novak)

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell says he will endorse the "best person" to be president regardless of party affiliation. And it's just that kind of savvy judgement and loyalty that have put Powell where he is today... out of work. (Jake Novak)

Mitt Romney has said he wouldn't practice polygamy even if the Morman Church allowed it, and besides, being president would be tough enough without having to pick which wife would be First Lady, which Second Lady, and so on down the line. (Scott Witt)

Fred Thompson's on the show tonight. After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on "Law & Order." That's typical Hollywood typecasting. He's a Republican so Hollywood automatically puts him on "Law & Order." See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on "Desperate Housewives." (Jay Leno)

Fred Thompson pulled even with Rudy Giuliani in GOP polls Monday. Fred Thompson played the U.S. attorney in New York while Rudy was the U.S. attorney in New York. So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could fire them both and save John McCain's career. (Argus Hamilton)

Rudy Giuliani was in New Hampshire Monday to read out a list of Twelve Commitments he pledges to keep if he's elected president. He's had three wives and now he's got twelve commitments. How on earth did Mitt Romney end up being the Mormon in this race?

Rudy Giuliani told New Hampshire voters Tuesday that Democrats want to take America back to the 1990s, which he said would be a mistake. It might not be. Even if we didn't catch Osama bin Laden in time, we'd at least know when to get out of tech stocks.

Colin Powell acknowledged Sunday he's met with Senator Barack Obama to advise him on foreign policy and military matters. It's obvious. Just last week Obama went to the U.N. to complain that Hillary Clinton has chemical and biological weapons. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Times published a secret Hillary Clinton campaign memo Thursday. It says Bill Clinton has had trouble meeting fundraising goals in California. By the time he gets done with Sharon Stone and the hairstylist, most of the donors have left. (Argus Hamilton)

According to the L.A. Times, Fred Thompson closing in on Giuliani in the polls. He's second. He's popular with what they call the Republican base. He's considered a straight shooter. Don't confuse that with Dick Cheney, who is a shooter who can't shoot straight. (Jay Leno)

And here's the latest on the John Edwards campaign: It turns out that yes, there are two Americas ... and neither one is voting for him" --Jay Leno

PRESIDENT BUSH

Tony Snow vows President Bush would twist arms in the U.S. Senate Tuesday to revive the immigration bill. This could get ugly. By the time President Bush twists their arms over immigration and they wring his neck over Iraq, Michael Vick will be able to promote dog fighting as the humane alternative to Washington politics. (Argus Hamilton)

President Bush was in Rome and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope "sir' instead of "your holiness." Hey, it could have been worse. I'm surprised he didn't call him the "Popester" (Jay Leno)

Yesterday at the G-8 summit, President Bush had a meeting with rock star Bono. There was an awkward moment when Bush praised Bono and his band, UTube. (Conan O'Brien)

President Bush finished up his big European trip. He visited with the Pope. They discussed world events, and then caught a matinee of "Knocked Up." (David Letterman)

President Bush met with the pope on Saturday. There was one awkward moment when he asked the pope, "Hey, how's Mrs. Pope?" (Jay Leno)

President Bush made a rare visit to Capitol Hill Tuesday for lunch with Senate Republicans to try to win more GOP support for his immigration bill. But the lunch had to be served on paper plates because they couldn't find any Americans willing to wash the dishes. (Jake Novak)

At the G-8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "I believe the correct pronunciation is "Abracadabra." (Conan O'Brien)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore. (David Letterman)

Former White House counsel and rejected Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has been subpoenaed by Congress to testify in the fired U.S. attorneys case. It's proof once again that that Democrats are the only ones who think Harriet Miers knows anything about anything. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He's having a new pacemaker installed. Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time. (David Letterman)

A federal judge said Thursday he will not delay Lewis "Scooter" Libby's sentence, and could send the former White House aide to prison within weeks. The judge said that he is afraid that if we don't send Scooter to jail right now, the screen might go black and we will never know if he committed suicide, went to a Caribbean Island or hunting with Dick Cheney. (Pedro Bartes)

A federal judge has ruled that Scooter Libby cannout remain out of jail while he appeals his sentence. It's not clear who this disappoints more: Libby or liberal conspiracy theorists who think Dick Cheney rules the world. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

The National Republican Congressional Committee is expected to raise only half of what was raised last year. Apparently the NRCC knows that 2007 has been economically rough for Republicans as they spent most of their money buying books against Hilary and jewelry to their wives to forget about the DC madam. (Pedro Bartes)

THE CONGRESS

A little more than a week after it was published, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt says his offer of up to $1 million for anyone providing proof of an illicit sexual affair with a politician has attracted about 200 tips so far. Of course the 178 of them concerning Harry Reid are just not credible. (Jake Novak)

The U.S. Senate killed the president's immigration reform bill Friday following a public outcry against amnesty. Supporters of the bill threw buckets of money at lawmakers to try to revive it. Appliance stores in Washington are now advertising office refrigerators with freezers which can hold up to ninety thousand dollars cash. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman William Jefferson pleaded not guilty to bribery charges Friday. The circumstantial evidence looks bad. Ninety thousand dollars was found in the freezer at his home, and he recently lost three fingers to frostbite. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer backed a medical marijuana bill Wednesday. The reaction was swift. Within the hour, Miami Dolphins running back Rickey Williams asked to be traded to the New York Jets where he could get treatment for his hamstring.(Argus Hamilton)

By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it? (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

Crime in this city is at an all-time low! New York City is the safest big city in the United States. It's all because of Mayor Bloomberg's tough new program: Three murders, you go to jail. (David Letterman)

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, "The first step to the White House." (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said Monday he takes full responsibility for his marriage break-up. He won't discuss rumors of his extramarital affairs. However, it's an article of faith among Democrats that monogamy is the enemy of free will. (Argus Hamilton)

Some sad news. It looks like the mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa and his wife are separating and heading for a divorce. I understand she's asking for everything west of La Cienega. (Jay Leno)

The Chicago Transit Authority has announced that there will be new cars on the L-Train ensuring riders of a quieter ride. This will mean that the only people in the city that won't be able to hear the L will be the people inside riding it. (Conan O'Brien)

THE ARMED FORCES

Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress. (Jay Leno)

The Pentagon has confirmed rumors that it tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that used chemicals to make enemy soldiers attracted to one another. A documentary about the gay bomb will be broadcast on both the History Channel and Bravo. Insiders say this will be the biggest gay bomb since "Rent" was made into a movie. They even devoted a special plane to drop the bomb. It's the Enola Really Gay. (Jay Leno)

TERRORISM

Donald Rumsfeld is facing a personal suit that claims he is responsible for torturing accused terrorists. Unfortunately for the prosecution, three of the four plaintiffs drowned during their deposition. (Jim Barach)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush said today that immigration is good for America. In fact, he'd like to see a lot of Albanians enter the country. (Patrick Gorse)

In an attempt to break the nagging logjam over immigration, congressional leaders announced today that they were hiring illegal immigrants to write the nation’s new immigration bill. (Andy Borowitz)

SECURITY

The government now says it now takes about 12 weeks for an American to get a passport now. A three-month waiting list if you want to get out of the country. But of course to get into the country, there's no wait at all, you just walk across (Jay Leno)

Weird story, but true. Two drug-sniffing dogs have been fired by airport security for urinating on passengers' luggage. The drug-sniffing dogs apologized and said, "We were totally high when we did that." (Conan O'Brien)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

North Korea fired two missiles into the Sea of Japan Thursday for the second time in eleven months. Their dictator had claimed for two years he has missiles that could reach Los Angeles. He didn't tell us he has to fire them from Santa Monica. (Argus Hamilton)

This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. I was thinking about this and was like, "Oh hell, that's Leno's problem. (David Letterman)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

A cyclone packing huge winds of up to 200 mph has hit the Persian Gulf oil fields. Iranian officials announced today they are still trying to figure out how to blame this on the Jews. (Jay Leno)

Shimon Peres was elected Israel's ninth president Wednesday. The Israeli presidency is actually only a ceremonial position, and Peres' nine decades of political irrelevance made him a shoo-in for the job. (Jake Novak)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

There's something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they're German. You know they're just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. (Craig Ferguson)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Vladimir Putin and President Bush relaxed tensions Thursday and they discussed a compromise on where to place a missile shield system. It pays to be cautious when dealing with the Russians. President Bush agreed to consider Putin's offer of having a missile shield in Azerbaijan but he turned down Putin's offer of a cup of soup. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Most Americans in their 60's say they plan on working into their 80's or until they pay off their student loans, whichever comes first. (Jake Novak)

SCIENCE

Another whale shark has died at the Georgia Aquarium. Officials say that the shark had stopped eating and been showing erratic and obsessive behavior ever since he watched the final episode of the Sopranos Sunday night. (Jake Novak)

HEALTH

While police are warning parents about a deadly mix of heroin and barbiturates coming out of Texas known as "cheese heroin" that sells for about $2 a hit, there's apparently an even more addictive item coming out of Texas called "petroleum" that's currently selling for about $3.50 a hit. (Jake Novak)

Here's an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!" (Jay Leno)

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. (Andy Borowitz)

THE WEATHER

Did you realize we are in the middle of a drought here in New York City? I came into work today and everyone was gathered around a moist towelette talking about their weekend. (David Letterman)

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa ordered all residents Thursday to reduce their water use by ten percent due to drought. Tempers are flaring. There's even a citywide fight over whether Paris Hilton should be forced to take community showers. (Argus Hamilton)

CELEBRITIES

Lindsay Lohan out of rehab, then back in rehab. Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday party was going to be sponsored by a brand of vodka. If your birthday party is sponsored by a vodka company, perhaps you're not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously. (Craig Ferguson)

Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn't an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it's the stupid thing to do. (Conan O'Brien)

Britney Spears' ex-husband Kevin Federline has backed out of an acting job at an upcoming movie with academy award winner Forrest Whitaker sighting a scheduling conflict. Apparently, the boss at Taco Bell would not let him out of his shift. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE

Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked to Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary of his death. In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping Network was down 50% Saturday. (Jokes To Go)

The New York Times said Sunday that cocaine use in nightclubs is back in style big-time among young people in their twenties. That's bad news. The good news is Congress can stop worrying about the projected cost of Medicare in forty years. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a poll by the website HostelBookers.com, 76% of people say that they either had a serious romance, a fling or a one-night stand when they were traveling overseas. The survey was done among presidents visiting the G8 summit. (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

A handwritten note from Abraham Lincoln was recently discovered in the National Archives. Because of the electronic age, there are only a few handwritten notes from President Bush. And the writing in crayon makes them hard to read. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

Flag Day is today. Don't forget to leave a plate of cookies out for Flaga Clause. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Sunday is Father’s Day. Millions of dads will be greeted by their children with those 3 resounding words. "Where’s my allowance?" (Alan Ray)

Sunday is Father’s Day. What an occasion. He worked two jobs to send us to college. We repay him with a $2.59 card. (Alan Ray)

POLLS & STUDIES

Here's an interesting statistic - according to "Cosmo", over 30 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 34 still live with their parents. These men are known as "Star Wars" fans. (Jay Leno)

President Bush hit a new low of thirty-two percent in his personal popularity Thursday. The Republican presidential candidates now face a real dilemma. To get the crowd on their side they don't know whether to open with a Bush joke or a Clinton joke. (Argus Hamilton)

OTHER

The late President Ford will appear on a stamp in August. Why won’t they put Hillary Clinton on postage?
She never sticks to anything. (Alan Ray)

The Federal Aviation Administration warned Tuesday that air travelers face the worst flight delays in history this summer. It's the huge volume of vacation travel. The only way to avoid this hassle is to stay home and tip every third person you see. (Argus Hamilton)

A one thousand pound beluga whale was flown in a plane from Chicago to Tacoma, Washington. You think your last flight was unpleasant? Try sitting next to a one thousand pound beluga whale who requests the window seat but then keeps getting up to go to the bathroom. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Don't you love Italian shoes?

2007-06-16T04:45:00.000+05:30

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and buys them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Startled, Sophia replies,"Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Gennaro answers "I see the reflection on my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?" He replies, "I see the reflection on my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers "Yes, Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight." Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ..." I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

A MILLION BLOOMERS!

2007-06-15T19:18:00.000+05:30

Remember Million Dollar Baby, a four-Oscar flick, with Clint Eastwood playing the tired old boxing coach picking up a girl (Hillary Swank) as his protegé, seeing her through the boxing championships, till she literally falls to bad luck in the final bout?
Now, the point is that I think the whole world is full of high-powered idiots. Like the guys who awarded the Oscars to this splendid movie. Now, I say this because the scenes in the hospital, which make for the climax, are atrocious. Let me now tell you why. The heroine, who trips and breaks her first and second cervical vertebra (what is otherwise known as a broken neck) is on a ventilator with a tracheostomy. In plain English, she was paralysed and was being kept alive by a machine that pushed in oxygen through a tube inserted in a hole in the windpipe. So bloody what, you ask? Admirable sentiments, I must admit. Much as I hate to carp at an otherwise great movie, the girl keeps talking even though she is on a trach. Now, every doctor will tell you that a trached patient can not speak, because the air doesn't go through the voice box anymore. Why couldn't the director (Clint) have researched this well and avoided a crucial faux pas? Why, he could have called me for any help. My consult rates are very standard: just a thousand per hour. Dollars, of course!
The boxwallahs have goofed up on medical issues all the time. It makes me worried how reliable the other things we learn from cinema must be. For example, biologists must have developed hernias laughing while watching the pseudos in Jurassic Park create new dinosaurs from mummified mosquitoes, or whatever it was at that time! Similarly, the guys who deal with Artificial Intelligence, like Ray Kurzweil, must be getting their stress lines ironed by watching The Matrix, or MI-3. One exception seem to be climatologists who seem to think that movies like The Day After Tomorrow or Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth are cinematic versions of the textbook truth.
In Bollywood movies, the best of the movies lose their beans when it comes to hospital scenes. For decades now, it seems that a hero with a bullet injury will escape death the moment the bullet is removed from his body. And if he has lost blood, no problem, his long-lost brother will miraculously come forward and we are treated to a great spectacle of modern medicine: direct transfusion from one hero to the other. No cross-matching, no HIV testing, etc. Who has the time, bro?
Similarly, a critically ill patient is rushed into an operation theater and anesthetised with a mask, sometimes even with a red rubber catheter in the nose. Gawd! Them things don't exist no more, guys!
At the rate in which the medical idiocy is profitably progressing, I feel a heartfelt tug to start a medical consultation firm based in Mumbai. Later I could open up an office in Hollywood. Maybe, outsource this to India, has anyone done that yet?

A SMARTER WINDOWS MOBILE PHONE!

2007-06-15T18:40:00.000+05:30

Want to use an iPhone right away, even though you don't have half a chance in hell to get hold of one this year? Get iContact, a free software that lets you use your Windows phone like an iPhone.
I read about this software in one of my fave sites, Lifehacker.
If you read the comments, you would go for it. I use an ornery old phone, so I'll pass!

NO PASS-ION FOR FAILING!

2007-06-14T22:21:00.000+05:30

A senior Indian citizen looks destined to die a virgin: he took a vow that he would marry only if he passed his exams. Now, according to Reuters, he has failed his high school exams for the 38th time, clearly showing that many pillars of failure make for, not success, but excess.
In this particular context, have a look at some memorable quotes on this subject:

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” Swami Vivekananda

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
Sven Goran Eriksson

“Victory is sweetest when you've known defeat.” Malcolm Forbes

“Striving for success without hard work is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted." David Bly

Just goes to show how inapt certain quotes can be in reality. Submitted without further comment!

GIFT OF THE GAB

2007-06-14T21:10:00.000+05:30

The title has a dictionary meaning that says "If someone has the gift of the gab, they speak in a persuasive and interesting way." I am sure most of you must have had some experience of speaking in public. Whenever I have to talk from a podium, I feel excited, energetic..., and nervous!
This jittery feeling can scramble your thoughts and really make your presentation very pedestrian. There are speakers, on the other hand, who can create magic every time they hold a mike. Here are some wonderful tips that can pep your next presentation up so much you will excel yourself, even if you are a semi-retarded doc (like yours truly) who was dropped on his head as a child, when his skull was as soft as his brain.

Christopher M Knight has covered excellent ground in these pages.
I am as much an expert on public speaking as I am of nanotechnology or astrophysics, but I have some tips I use:
1. Rehearse what you want to speak, and the main points, as well as the stories or examples you want to use.
2. Be passionate about what you are saying. If you believe in what you are saying, speak out loud and clear. No monotones!
3. Use a hook, an introductory statement that captures the audience's attention, and then proceed on to the main part of the speech,
4. Use humor, energetic if you are talking from a dominant or authoritative position, and subtle if you are talking in a formal, stiff gathering.
5. Avoid crashing in a rush of words; use pauses to great effect!
6. Use hands and eyes to express, to lay emphasis.
7. Never hog the stage and overstay the attention the audience gifts you!
Don't miss this amazingly good site by Guy Kawasaki, where he talks of better public speaking, comparing it with singing.
At the end of it all, have fun on stage!

Fish and Rice - Home Baked

2007-06-14T05:26:00.000+05:30

Fish is widely used as a source of proteins particularly for those who do not eat red meat or chicken. We prepare this dish from Trout fish that I usually catch at lakes here in Southern California. Since the fish is fresh, we skip marination. We will describe the way we marinate our fish for those of you who are not as lucky and have to fish at your local grocery stores! This dish should be served fresh and hot at lunch or dinner time. Wine is optional. This dish is by no means the traditional and the national Iraqi dish of Masgouf! We will talk about this on another day.

Materials:

· Trout fish
· Basmati rice
· Chopped Italian parsley, ½ cup
· Chopped garlic, one clove
· Chopped small onion and a few chopped green onion leaves (optional)
· Two chopped tomatoes
· One teaspoon of tomato paste
· One squeezed lemon juice
· Salt
· Black and red pepper
· Curry (optional)

Marination Materials (if needed):

· Water
· Vinegar
· A touch of nutmeg
· Salt

Marination:

Since the majority of you do not catch your own fish, we recommend marinating the fish. This will eliminate the unwelcome odor of the fish, particularly during cooking (smells fishy!!!). You can cook your fish outdoors on the BBQ, thus keeping your spouse or daughter (as is the case in my household) off your back!
Clean the fish if you caught them by slicing the belly from the distal ventral orifice all the way to the gills. Detach the gills from the backbone and pull everything towards the tail. Usually this maneuver guts the fish. Cut through the back bone to display the fish flat. Wash with water and place in a deep container. Add a cup of vinegar and water until the fish is covered. Add some salt and nutmeg and cover for about an hour.

Prepare the toppings:

Chop the tomatoes, onions, and parsley into small pieces. You can use a food processor if you wish. I prefer hand cutting for best visual presentation. Mix with small amount of tomato paste and then add the salt, black and red peppers to your liking. Finally, add the lemon juice and mix. The toppings are now ready.

Baking the Fish:

Wash the fish after marination and drain. Place on foil in a flat pan. Apply the curry to the ventral sides of the fish, followed by the toppings to cover all white meat. Place in a preheated BBQ (350 degrees). Cover the fish with another piece of foil to seal. You can apply some Pam Oil spray on the foil to prevent the fish sticking to it. Leave the fish in place some 20-30 minutes. While waiting, prepare your Basmati rice and your green salad (optional). Serve the dish when ready! Enjoy!

Samir & Layla Johna

b. ramana adds:
Trout and mahseer are fish that are sought after by tourists to North India, in the cooler climes of the Himalayas. Read more about what you can get here. For an even more pristine place, where there would be fewer tourists, but also less developed tourist-friendly infrastructure, check out Arunachal Pradesh for fishing.

TEMPERS HIGH, TEMPLE LOW!

2007-06-13T23:10:00.000+05:30

In South India, there is a very famous Hindu temple called Guruvayur. A controversy erupted recently in India when a priest of the temple cleaned the premises after a Hindu paid homage to the shrine. Why, pray?
The devotee, a Hindu, was born to a Christian mother, and was the son of a Union Minister, Vayalar Ravi. As this article says, the management has now expressed regret for this, while the priest preaches that he was right in cleaning up because the visitor was of 'impure' breed. I daresay, I am awash in admiration of his pure nuts! I mean, you know what I am getting at, right?

Now, at the same time, I think the Minister's son is acting too spoilt. Does he not know that our temple priests have always acted holier than the Pope? Everyone knows that our ancient rituals are pure, just like bull excreta. Now why should I single out Hinduism alone? Every religion has its holy cows, untouchable in their public sensitivity, sentimental tails, sorry tales, and all.
I see the greatness of every religion as the refusal to admit the nagging questions of the sceptic. Such admirable consistency is to die for, as every beloved, piece-loving al Qaeda fidayeen will vouch. At every point, the answer to each question is stonewalled by the call to faith, and to abandon the senses that normally one uses every day to sidestep the bullshit littering the Indian streets!

BLOG OF THE WEEK

2007-06-12T19:38:00.000+05:30

This is the blog number one this week in the blogosphere.
I don't understand much of it, but it is visually very impressive. Check it out.

HOT, HOT, HOT!

2007-06-12T05:31:00.000+05:30

So, Monday night in the US now, but it is daybreak here in India, and it is raining news from the WWDC (Apple's World Wide Developers' Conference) at downtown San Francisco. Check out the headlines here.
The new Mac OS Leopard will be launched in October this year. iPhone will accept third party developers. Great! Now all we need to hear is that the other phone carriers, apart from AT&T will also be able to serve iPhone customers! For a live ball-to-ball ring-side view of Steve Jobs' presentation, check out this Engadget-enabled site.
And, of course, keep tuned in for more!

HOW TO FEEL GOOD

2007-06-12T05:09:00.000+05:30

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A

POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly Click "YES."

7. Feel better?

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi

Shish Kebab of Iraq

2007-06-11T19:33:00.000+05:30

Kebab is a well known dish in the Middle East. There are different types of Kebab depending on which country you are staying in. In Iraq, Kebab refers to ground meat on skewers. Meat chunks on skewers are called Tikka. Iraqi Kebab is made of ground lamb meat but in the US we use beef. Kebab can be consumed any time of the day. Though many people would have kebab for breakfast, I personally consume Kebab for lunch or dinner. Many restaurants in Iraq are specialized in Tikka or Kebab, for both are easy to make and can be prepared quickly. Limited menu, as you would imagine, is a good strategy requiring limited labor and excellent profit. Traditionally the Kebab is prepared on natural wood charcoal. However, here in the US, we often use Propane BBQ. Natural wood charcoal gives Kebab a delicious flavor. Back in Iraq, during the good old days, after we were done drinking, we would go out for dinner, and Kebab and Tikka used to be our preferred meal.

Main Entrée

Ingredients for 12 skewers:

Two pounds of ground beef (I use 15% fat)
One small onion (chopped- fine)
Two small tomatoes (chopped- fine)
Half a cup of chopped Italian Parsley
Black peppers
Salt
Summaq (mild sour pepper - red in color)

Mixing:
All ingredients except the Summaq are added to a large bowl and mixed well with hands. Sometimes the mix becomes too loose because of the onions and the tomatoes. It may not stick to the skewers. To salvage the situation, you can add fine bread crumbs and mix well until the mix is sticky.

Loading on skewers:

The mix is cut in small lumps, each the size of your full hand. Apply on the skewer and mold well.
To prevent the meat sticking to your hand, dip the fingers in water and spread to your palm and continue molding until the kebab is about 6-8 inches long (make sure the meat is uniformly distributed).

Once all the meat is on skewers, prepare the pan for the cooked Kebab.
Place the bread on bottom of the pan and spread some summaq on it.
Place the Kebab on the pre-heated BBQ (350 degrees)
Flip the skewers within 30 seconds to help stabilize the meat on the skewers. You can flip the skewers back and forth ever minute or so until the meat is cooked.

Unloading the Skewers:
The Kebab is taken off the skewers by folding the bread around the Kebab and pulling gently towards you followed by pushing away from you into the pan to prevent breaking the kebab.
Finally, more Summaq is spread over the final product.

I personally prefer to serve the Kebab with Basmati rice and some green salad.

Yum, Yum…

Samir and Layla Johna

NO SMOKE SIGNALS

2007-06-11T18:50:00.000+05:30

King James I of Great Britain described it, way back in 1604, as: "A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the Nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the Lungs, and in the blacke stinking fume thereof, neerest resembling the horrible Stigian smoke of the pit that is bottomelesse." Of course, he was talking to his subjects and asking them to stop smoking. Ever since, every wife has taken his admonition to heart, as men with nag-induced deafness will vouch for.
The anti-smoking do-gooder, control-freak mafiosi has spread globally and prohibited almost everything there is to prohibit re smoking. For a glimpse of some high-impact anti-smoking ads, check this blog out. Remember Animal Farm's memorable Orwellism? "Everything is permitted, except that which is not prohibited. Everything is prohibited, except that which is permitted." It is illegal in the US and European countries for young kids below 18 or 19 years to buy cigarettes. I don't understand this: kids can have sex at 13 years, but can't smoke? Are their sexual organs developed faster than their lungs? I mean, is any of this evidence-based? In India, the Censor Board has made it illegal for actors in movies to be shown smoking, unless they, the censors, decide that the act of smoking has, necessarily, to be shown in the scene. You can't smoke in pubs, restaurants, toilets....poor smokers have to stand under a tree, risk bird droppings on their heads, and puff without pleasure. Very soon, some leftist, American environmentalist will protest that the birds in the tree (which were aggressively and unacceptably squirting their pungent excreta inferiorly and aggravating androgenic alopecia in the unfortunates below), were harmed by the second-hand smoke, and launch a multi-billion dollar campaign, funded by the smokers' own taxes, to act and stop the power (less) puff girls and guys. Every irritating caw of a perennially argumentative crow will sound like fits of hacking smokers' cough to their untrained ears. Every bird death will be on the collective conscience of the smokers. They will then prove that Bird Flu (SARS) is caused by a second-hand smoke-induced susceptibility of the birds to germs. 'Smoked chicken' will have a totally different meaning in times to come. Countries where smoking would be allowed would be shamed repeatedly in the UN, WHO, World Bank, GATT, G8 and other international meetings for being barbaric and allowing such wanton ornithologic destruction. Obviously, these countries would be untouchables for trade, as we all know. Just like the animal-testing thing, you know?

The UK is banning smoking in restaurants from the 1st of July this year, and France is following suit from 1st January 2008. In India, every place a smoker goes to becomes a smoking zone. Anything goes, or as we say, "Chalta hai, re!" I remember, back when I was a student on the way back home, sitting near the driver in a ramshackle (even that word is flattering) mini-bus made of tin, tearing up at its edges, there was a man blowing thick cig smoke on my tender, clean face. And this was on a hot, humid day, temperature in the 40s, with my shirt sticking to my back with odorless sweat. I asked him not to smoke, to which he screamed, "Is this your bedroom? You ask me to stop smoking in your bedroom. You have no right to control me here!" Ah, such acute awareness of rights we Indians do have, don't we? In the same breath, I should mention that if anyone should see a young couple necking in a park, or in a car, he would happily get them arrested or, at the least, chastised and threatened. We have a population problem, you see. Can't allow promotion of sex, can we now?

THE SACRED RIGHT TO OFFEND

2007-06-10T16:21:00.000+05:30

There is a right wing party of crazies in Western India called the Shiv Sena which has decided that the Google group Orkut is dangerous to Indian citizenry.
This decision was followed by their characteristic civil behavior when they destroyed internet cafes that they consider the nodal points of the evil Orkut. The crime of the Google-based group was to allow a platform for some anti-Shiv Sena people (the Senaites have far more such groups in Orkut) to speak against the saffron mob.
According to some reports in the media and the internet, the Mumbai police has also asked the internet cafe owners not to allow customers to surf the site. This is one of the amazing things about India: though it claims to have the most deep-rooted democratic structures in the third world, and is considered a model of liberalism by the US and the West, the number of attacks on individual freedom and choice is frighteningly repetitive. In this country, you cannot offend anybody! You cannot hurt anyone's sentiments, be it religious, cultural or historic. This country has banned or proscribed painters, movies, writers, television channels, and even YouTube! The reasons have always been the same: violation of sentiments of a group of people.
For many people, the very contradiction of their set notions of life or its parts is intolerable. For them, it becomes crucial to still the dissenting voice, for their convictions are not strong enough to face the reality. The reality that it is each man's birthright to speak his mind, to question, and even offend. The more civilised a nation, the stronger is the right to offend!

Dolma (vegetarian) - Stuffed Grape Leaves

2007-06-10T11:28:00.000+05:30

This is one of the main dishes in the Middle East. It can be served hot for lunch or dinner as the main entrée. Grape leaves can be served cold in small numbers as appetizers prior to the main entrée or as snacks while drinking hard liquor. I personally consume them both ways. In fact, I enjoy some wine even when it is my main entrée!. In Iraq, the term Dolma encompasses various stuffed vegetables in addition to grape leaves. In our kitchen, we also stuff 2-3 small zucchinis, eggplants, tomatoes, onion skins, and bell peppers. It is in fact the most targeted meal at our house hold when some friends are invited. We do not have to worry about what is left. The left over is usually packed to go! The left over can be kept in the refrigerator for later times and can be heated in microwave.
Dolma can be modified in several ways, for meat eaters! You can add ground beef or ground lamb to the stuffing, and the grape leaves can be replaced with chard or cabbage. Some times a mixture of all can be prepared in the same pot.

Makes 60 Pieces

70 fresh or preserved grape leaves
¼ cup lemon juice
1 ½ cup water
¼ cup olive oil

Stuffing:

1 cup rice, washed and drained
¼ cup oil olive
1 cup parsley, finely chopped
1 large onion, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finally chopped
1 large tomato, finely chopped or 1 small can of tomato paste
50 grams of Tamarind (turned into molasses)
Some salt and pepper as required

Preparing:

In a large bowl, add all stuffing ingredients and mix well.
If leaves are fresh, wash and leave in boiling water for 3 minutes, rinse with cold water, and then drain well. If the leaves are preserved, rinse with cold water, and then drain well.
Spread a leaf, shiny side down, on a cutting board, place a tablespoon of stuffing towards the stem end. Fold the edges of the leaf in towards the center. Fold the top down tightly until it reaches the leaf point. Repeat with remaining leaves.
Line the base of a heavy pan with grape leaves, place filled grape leaves seam side down, in closely packed rows. Cover with remaining grape leaves.
Pour water, lemon juice, salt and pepper as required into the pot, place a heavy plate on top to keep the filled grape leaves from moving during cooking.
Bring to boil, cover and cook over low heat for 20-30 minutes or until done.

Samir and Layla Johna

THE WARMPIRE'S NEW CLOTHES

2007-06-10T06:55:00.000+05:30

The Brits have again shown how hot the global warming issue is, with the World Naked Ride fleshing out the world's present perception of the top-ic. One doesn't quite know if the efforts to reduce climate change included bumming rides for p-assers by on the cycles they rode. These green bikers, on Saturday, rode naked through East Sussex.The London leg began at Hide Park and finished in Willyngton Arch, "a route of about six miles", says a BBC report. One would have thought that the sight of so many people displaying prime, painted meat in public would have sent local temperatures soaring, but the protasstors disagreed. Previously, a similar rally registered their disapproval of the world's need for oil. I agree. I never feel the need for lubricants, myself! The cyclists have their own website and say that "moving needs should be reduced". I always thought being naked increases movement and temperature, but I guess the Brits are cold and stiff! The group is selling, for $25 a piece, T-shirts. What the..? Isn't that a contradicktion? I thought the hole point was to expose the bare truth about the need to stitch in a car-a-van of cyclists who will surely get the booby prize in the race against global warming.
In 2005, these guys stripped, and the oil problem got solved. Gas is so expensive today that I, like many gastroenterologists, treat flatulence free of cost! I propose that we rename petrol as 'nudium' because it is a rare gas (like helium) today! What next: terrorism?

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-09-07 (HUGE POST!)

2007-06-09T22:57:00.000+05:30

Thanks, Stan Kegel!

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

The name dog breeders apparently give to the increasingly common crossbreed of a shih tzu with a bulldog: bullshih. (The London Guardian)

Recent studies have found that a diet high in soy beans and soy sauce can result in infertility in men. Which that goes to explain China's low population. (Conan O'Brien)

The Bush Administration is resisting attempts by the blind to have U. S. currency redesigned. Such a move is not in the overall plans. The president says such change would be short sighted. (Alan Ray)

Scientists in England announced yesterday that they're on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years. When asked about the news most of the blind people in the world said they were very happy and that they never saw it coming. (Pedro Bartes)

At the G-8 Summit, President Bush will unveil a plan to phase out the environment by 2010. (Andy Borowitz)

President Bush began an eight-day trip to Europe on Monday. Global warming will be among several topics in the agenda. Apparently Bush's new strategy for global warming is to start another Cold War with Russia. (Pedro Bartes)

Paris Hilton reported to jail Sunday night. And when she arrived they gave her an orange prison jumpsuit. Paris said, "This jumpsuit is nice, but do you have anything crotchless?" (Conan O'Brien)

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Nicole Ritchie is pregnant. Ritchie has responded by saying, "I'm not pregnant. I just ate a grape." (Conan O'Brien)

Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again and may be cited for D.U.I. You know what this means? Paris Hilton gets a cellmate. (Alex Kaseberg)

PARIS HILTON

Even before she arrives, inmates at an L. A. area prison are angry at Paris Hilton because they believe officials are making room for the starlet at the expense of other inmates already coping with crowded conditions. Well, now they know how every out-of-work actress with actual talent has felt about her for the last four years. (Jake Novak)

Paris Hilton's Mom, Kathy, says Paris has been praying and seeking god before she goes to jail. Apparently Paris figured that she calls out "Oh, god" so much she should learn who he is. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton is now in jail. On her first day, they did something called a booty check. Paris Hilton calls it a first date. (Jay Leno)

It's now been 48 hours that Paris Hilton has been in jail — which sets a new L. A. record for the longest time a celebrity has ever spent in prison. (Jay Leno)

Unfortunately, Paris Hilton is now so well known, the Republicans have no choice but to run her for President. Face it, those other candidates will be elected President the same year we see George W. Bush's picture on a box of Wheaties. (HaBlog)

Los Angeles County Jail officials were incensed by the media mob that gathered for Paris Hilton's entry to jail. She won't be out of the headlines for long. Her publicist has arranged for Phil Spector to drive her home the day she's released. (Argus Hamilton)

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton traded a 12-by-8-foot cell for her 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home when she was released Thursday because of an unspecified medical condition. Rumor is Paris is suffering from RHS -- Restless Head Syndrome. They'll have to watch her closely. She will break out of her ankle monitor, pick up Britney, and boogie 'till the cows come home. And in L. A., the cows are as unpredictable as the justice system. Particularly the one wearing the ankle monitor. (HaBlog)

After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday, partly due to "medical" reasons after she spent most of the days crying. Immediately after hearing the news Scooter Libby started sobbing and complaining he had a severe headache. (Pedro Bartes)

After serving just three days in jail, Paris Hilton has been let out of jail for medical reasons, and sent home with an ankle bracelet monitor. Authorities say there is something wrong with Paris's ankle bracelet monitor. It seems it keeps getting caught in her earring. (Alex Kaseberg)

Although it is a common practice for Los Angeles Sheriffs to release women DUA convicts to home arrest after 3 days to relieve jail congestion, Paris Hilton was ordered back to jail Friday to prove once and for all that celebraties in Los Angeles will not be allowed to avoid jail by loopholes even if allowed to other residents. (Stan Kegel)

Paris Hilton's lawyer visited her in prison today. She told him she is using her time in jail to see what she can do to make the world a better place. So far the only thing she could come up with is stay in jail. (Conan O'Brien)

Paris Hilton's mom baked a file into a cake. Not so she could escape, so she could do her nails. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Paris Hilton will not be allowed to do interviews in jail. The L.A. County Sheriffs won't allow her to be photographed in handcuffs, either. For that you will need to buy her video. (Jim Barach)

The judge apparently thought it was only fair -- Congress denied amnesty for low-wage illegal aliens, so he denied amnesty for rich girl Paris Hilton. The difference being, of course, that 12-million illegal aliens remain on the loose while Paris does not. (Scott Witt)

Paris Hilton began serving her jail sentence Sunday evening, but in an attempt to avoid reporters she checked in under the alias of London Marriott. (Scott Witt)

In a written statement, Paris Hilton said she has learned a great deal from her time in jail, like making wine in the toilet. (Pedro Bartes)

Not everything was good news for Paris Hilton yesterday. Apparently her Chihuahua had to stay in Jail after it joined a Latino gang in prison. (Pedro Bartes)

SCOOTER LIBBY

Earlier today, Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, "I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name." (Conan O'Brien)

Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in jail and a $250,000 fine for lying to investigators in the CIA leak case. Libby has been instructed to make the $250,000 check out to the Democratic Party. (Conan O'Brien)

Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney's other friends got shot in the face. (Jay Leno)

Earlier today, a federal judge sentenced Scooter Libby to 30 months in prison for lying. I believe prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter. (Jay Leno)

Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is going to the hoosegow for outing Valerie Plame as a CIA agent. Scooter Libby's getting a 30-month sentence and a $250,000 fine and, of course, an opportunity to discover Islam. (Jon Stewart)

Some speculate President Bush will pardon Libby right before he serves jail time, while others know he will. (Jon Stewart}

The White House refused to answer questions Wednesday about whether President Bush will pardon Scooter Libby. He lied to federal investigators, got caught and is now going to jail. This just shows that we'll never see Bill Clinton's like again. (Argus Hamilton)

ANDREW SPEAKER (THE TB GUY)

Travelling TB patient Andrew Speaker strongly denied that the CDC told him not to travel. Actually, it's not that the CDC didn't know he was going to travel, it's just that nobody could believe that anyone would be crazy enough to travel through the Atlanta airport. (Jake Novak)

With so many candidates for the presidential nomination running in both parties -- some of them little known -- Andrew Speaker, the so-called "TB Guy," would do well if he also entered the race. He's more famous than most of them, and he'd probably do the rest of us less harm. (Scott Witt)

Tuberculosis patient Andrew Speaker gave interviews Wednesday from his hospital ward in Denver. He sneaked across the U.S. border, ignored federal authorities, and wound up with free hospitalization. He'll end up at a clinic in Mexico, teaching classes on how to do it. (Argus Hamilton)

Atlanta's Andrew Speaker caused a panic by flying around with drug-resistant tuberculosis Tuesday. His father-in-law is a scientist who studies drug-resistant tuberculosis. Most guys just give their son-in-law the down payment for the new house. (Argus Hamilton)

Andrew Speaker was hospitalized in Denver Friday after flying around the world with contagious tuberculosis. He posed for pictures with his bride, who wore a mask over her mouth and nose. Apparently tuberculosis requires women to live by Muslim law. (Argus Hamilton)

The Centers for Disease Control admitted Friday that they can't legally prevent contagiously sick people from flying. The only safe way to travel is in your car by yourself. California is demanding extra highway funds just for being right all along. (Argus Hamilton)

The TB patient who flew to Europe and back has apologized to his fellow air passengers who may be affected by his illness. He says he has been living in a constant state of fear and anxiety. Mostly from flying on Delta. (Jim Barach)

WILLIAM JEFFERSON

Democratic Congressman William Jefferson has been indicted on racketeering charges. He faces a life surrounded by hardened criminals. And, if he's not reelected, he could go to jail. (Alan Ray)

Congressman William Jefferson of New Orleans was indicted Monday on corruption charges. Ninety thousand dollars cash was found in his office freezer. Every time the Washington D.C. madam puts it down the front of her blouse it makes for a good show. (Argus Hamilton)

U.S. Rep. William Jefferson [D-LA] was indicted Monday on federal charges of racketeering, soliciting bribes and money-laundering... all crimes he must have comitted before going into politics, since racketeering, soliciting bribes and money-laundering are actually what most Congressmen are expected to do for a living. (Jake Novak)

Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was indicted Monday on multiple counts of corruption. Among the evidence, $90,000 in cash found hidden in frozen food boxes in Jefferson's freezer. Now, I know it sounds bad, but it was actually just some boxes of Jimmy Dean's "money-wrapped sausage on a stick." (Jon Stewart)

On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans (Jon Stewart)

THE CANDIDATES

The "Law and Order" TV series has gone into summer reruns, which frees up actor Fred Thompson to pursue the presidency. Of course, old habits are hard to change, and Thompson says his White House will also go into reruns. The conservative candidate pledges to set the country back 100 years. (Scott Witt)

Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney says he will donate his salary as president to charity. He just needs to collect a billion dollars from donors first so he can run his campaign. (Jim Barach)

Mitt Romney, once a supporter of gay rights and equality, has declared he will take a stand against same-sex civil unions and marriages. "If I become President, I will make sure the role of the traditional family is upheld. I think marriage is a union between a man, a woman, a woman, and another woman, not between two men or two women, with the exception of those women also being married to a man. If I become President, I will make sure that we can return to these basic family values of one father, and many, many mothers." (BigFib.com)

There's a "new" Rudy Giuliani, one who listens to those who criticize him. What happened? His campaign manager says Rudy was coached by a Hollywood press agent who taught him the importance of sincerity. And then he taught him the best ways to fake it. (Scott Witt)

Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson announced Friday he's selling his stock holdings in an oil refinery company. Shrewd move. Oil stocks will never be higher than eighteen months before a Democratic president nationalizes the oil industry. (Argus Hamilton)

Presidential Candidate John Edwards admits he never read the National Intelligence Estimate before voting for the war in Iraq. Unfortunately it wasn't available on the coffee table at any of the salons he visits. (Jim Barach)

John Edwards is calling for an investigation of the oil companies' mergers and possible anti-trust violations. The first one hundred years of violations will just fall under the "grace period". (Jim Barach)

There are three new books out this week about Hillary Clinton. One for each of her positions on the Iraq War. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton says her religious faith helped her cope with her husband's infidelity. Ans she says that every night, she asks God for guidance, strength, and to cut Bill's balls off. (Jake Novak)

Carl Bernstein's book about Hillary Clinton, "A Woman In Charge" paints the New York Senator as someone who camouflages her real self for political gain. He makes her sound like some sort of politician. Ironically, her husband Bill camouflages himself so he can sneak back into the house late at night. (Jim Barach)

There are a whole bunch of books about Hillary Clinton. According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein, Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. And when a"ked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, "There are worse things than infidelity.' To which Bill Clinton said, "Yeah. Fidelity." (Jay Leno)

According to the Boston Herald, observers are saying that Hillary Clinton looks like she's had some work done. In fact, she has changed her appearance so much in the last year, at one of the campaign rallies, Clinton accidentally hit on her. (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton spoke at a Democratic Party event in Iowa Sunday and drew loud cheers. She really needed the lift. Last weekend Hillary lapsed into a two-minute coughing fit during a commencement speech in New Orleans and now nobody will fly with her. (Argus Hamilton)

Hillary Clinton's Beverly Hills donors were asked to remove their shoes at her fundraiser at the home of Hollywood director Brett Ratner. There's a good reason. A local city ordinance states that no one's allowed to be taller than the director. (Argus Hamilton)

On lightning striking Rudy Giuliani while he was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, "Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani." And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, "a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me." (John Oliver)

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She's writing his speeches for him, and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were. (Jay Leno)

In an Internet survey: 58% said they are not impressed by any of the presidential candidates. What America needs right now is a leader who is as smart as I was when I was 16. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Fred Thompson will not be participating in Tuesday night's Republican presidential debate on CNN. Luckily, voters will still see plenty of Thompson since "Law & Order" re-runs will be playing on every other station. (Jake Novak)

They say it's just a matter of time before former senator and 'Law & Order' actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn't offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys. (Jay Leno)

Actor and former Senator Fred Thompson, who left the TV show "Law & Order", has yet to announce he's running for president but he's already third in the polls among Republicans. Isn't that amazing? He leaves NBC, and his ratings automatically go up. (Jay Leno)

Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it'll be "Law & Order" versus "Cold Case"? (Jay Leno)

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says if Osama bin Laden is captured, a lot more Americans would rather see him tried in court rather than killed right away. Actually more Americans would just like to see Dennis Kucinich killed right away. (Jake Novak)

GOP maverick candidate Ron Paul appeared on the Daily Show Monday. The former doctor said he doesn't believe in the principle of government-run health care and never took any money from Medicare. It would be a lot more principled if he weren't an obstetrician. (Argus Hamilton)

THE DEBATES

The Democrats held a presidential debate in New Hampshire Sunday and it was a lot of fun. At the end of a Republican debate, America is about to be attacked, Abdul-Somebody has weapons of mass destruction and there are terrorists in the control towers, but at the end of a Democratic debate, the war is over, college is free, everybody has health care and the Cubs are in the World Series. (Argus Hamilton)

Republicans held a presidential debate Tuesday at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire, where the candidates were forced to defend the president's war and the president's immigration reform bill. You have to feel sorry for these guys. Ronald Reagan left his party a legacy and George W. Bush left them a Superfund clean-up site. (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of threats to public safety, I don't know if you watched the Democratic presidential debate last night, I didn't. But I assume I would have been really impressed with the way Hillary, Obama, and Edwards cemented their status as frontrunners; Gravel said somethin' batsh*t crazy; Richardson talked about New Mexico; Biden said you can't ship Richardson back to Mexico; and Kucinich called for the deployment of an all-butterfly army. (Stephen Colbert)

The Democratic Party presidential candidates pointed fingers at each other's war vote in their debate Sunday. Everyone tried in vain to get Hillary Clinton to admit she was wrong. This woman doesn't admit her mistakes, she stays married to them. (Argus Hamilton)

Last night, CNN hosted the second in a series of infinite Democratic debates. Most people feel candidates should get more time to answer the questions than contestants on "Deal or No Deal" get. (Jon Stewart)

During last night's Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military's "don't ask, don't tell policy" for gay soldiers. "Don't ask, don't tell" would be replaced by a new policy, "Don't tell me you're wearing those boots with that gun." (Conan O'Brien)

In a forum for Democratic candidates, Hillary Clinton said her faith in God got her through her husband's infidelity. She didn't say which one, but it got her through. She said faith and prayers kept her in her marriage. That and her ambition to be senator and president. (Jay Leno)

In the Democratic debate the other night, the most prominent candidates got the most questions. Obama got 16, Hillary got 15, Edwards got 13. Poor Chris Dodd waited 41 minutes before he got a single question. And that question was, "Uh. What's your name again?" (Jay Leno)

So nobody saw the Republican debate last night? There haven't been that many white people on TV since NBC canceled "Friends." (Jay Leno)

The format CNN had for the GOP presidential debate made it look like the Miss Universe beauty pageant, all the candidates introduced themselves on stage stating their State of origin and credentials. The only main difference with a Miss America beauty pageant was that when they had the Q&A session of the contest none of the candidates wished for world peace. (Pedro Bartes)

PRESIDENT BUSH

President Bush tours Eastern Europe. To people who find him arrogant, irrelevant, and unsophisticated, he’s got one message. "My fellow Americans, I will be home soon." (Alan Ray)

President Bush is assuring Russia that they need not fear America's missile defense system... especially since we'll probably never figure out how to use it. (Jake Novak)

President Bush's push for amnesty has a big fan in Scooter Libby. Scooter thinks amnesty would be great. (Scott Witt)

In the latest erosion of President George W. Bush’s job approval rating, a new poll released today reveals that Mr. Bush is now less popular among the American people than the so-called “TB Guy,” Atlanta attorney Andrew Speaker. The poll results are historic since they mark the first time that a sitting president has been deemed less popular than a quarantined disease carrier. (Andy Borowitz)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The Secret Service has been erasing logs of visitors to Vice President Cheney's residence. Surprisingly, he's had some. Mostly Jehovah's Witnesses and the Orkin man - although that may have been Tom DeLay. (Michael Feldman)

Vice President Dick Cheney said today the surge policy is working. In fact, gas prices have surged almost $4 a minute. (Jay Leno)

THE REPUBLICANS

Newt Gingrich calls Karl Rove's 2004 election strategy "maniacally dumb". Which says even less about the American voters since it worked. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

The U.S. Senate debated the Immigration Reform Bill all day Tuesday. Landscapers and construction workers and farm workers now illegally come to the U.S. and their cash is sent back to their families in Mexico. This is why in Telemundo's poll of Best-Known Americans, Ben Franklin wins every year. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

A federal court has rejected the FCC's policy of fining broadcast stations for profanity on the airwaves, telling the FCC to go f--- itself. (Scott Witt)

THE STATES

A new California law allows gay prisoners to have conjugal visits with their same sex partners. This law is called the "Taking Sand To The Beach" law. (Alex Kaseberg)

Gay inmates in California prisons will be allowed conjugal visits under a new policy. The old policy was conjugal visits by cellmates whether they were wanted or not. (Jim Barach)

13% of Vermont citizens say they favor seceeding from the Union. This comes as a shock to most Americans who thought Vermont seceeded from the Union the day it made Howard Dean governor. (Jake Novak)

New Hampshire Governor John Lynch has signed a law legalizing civil unions for gay couples. The question is, how many more Bed and Breakfasts can possibly fit into the state? (Jim Barach)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being accused of buying and smoking a Cuban cigar on a visit to Ottawa. So an Austrian national from California smokes a Cuban Cigar in Canada. That sounds like a violation of at least three provisions of the Immigration Bill right there. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

The statistics are out: New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. It's all due to Mayor Bloomberg's $50 fine for murder. (David Letterman)

Los Angeles residents were urged on Wednesday to cut water usage by 10 percent in the driest year on record. In a written statement LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa demanded that illegals enter the country already bathed. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A low-level researcher at Yale University has been arrested for a scam he was running out of the Yale Law library. The guy claimed to be a lawyer and was charging illegal immigrants $5,000 a piece to get a greencard. They say this is the biggest scam pulled off at Yale since, I guess, George Bush got his diploma (Jay Leno)

Four people in New York have been arrested for billing their health insurance company for twenty brain operations that were never performed. The insurance paid without questioning the number of procedures. Which proves the point that health insurance isn't brain surgery. (Jim Barach)

TERRORISM

Investigators say the men who plotted an attack on JFK Airport in New York wanted to "punish" the United States. Although it's hard to conceive of anything that's punished Americans more in the last 40 years than JFK Airport. (Jake Novak)

How about that thing over the weekend? The authorities busted that plot. They were going blow up the pipeline to JFK. Here's the scary part: it turned out the guys doing this were called homegrown terrorists. And who says President Bush hasn't created new jobs? (David Letterman)

The two men held in Trinidad on an alleged terror plot to blow up fuel tanks and destroy JFK Airport are fighting extradition to the United States. It's not that they don't want to face a trial, it's just that like most Americans, they really don't want to fly into JFK (Jake Novak)

IMMIGRATION

President Bush has called immigrants "people willing to risk everything for the dream of freedom," and characterized America as "a blessed and promised land in desperate need of mowing." (Patrick Gorse)

The New York Times decided to back the immigration reform bill Wednesday. They commissioned a poll which found that most Americans favor the bill. The newspaper got a price break on the poll because it has a margin of error of one hundred percent. (Argus Hamilton)

About half of the seven thousand Iraq refugees coming into the U.S. will be relocated to Detroit. Apparently the government wants the refugees from a war-torn, economically depressed area to move somewhere that will have a familiar feel. (Jim Barach)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

China may back out of an agreement to lend two giant pandas to the National Zoo in Washington because the Zoo's facilities are not up to Chinese standards. A Chinese official said "For example, the zoo has no army tanks to crush the pandas if they demonstrate." (Conan O'Brien)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITAIN

Prince Charles says that to send a proper message to the people, he will now fly commercial instead of private jets. Of course, for security that means all other passengers will be asked to take another flight. (Jim Barach)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned Tuesday that his people are on the verge of civil war. So, I guess all the killing of each other they've been doing for the last 100 years was just a warm up. (Jake Novak)

THE U. N. & INTERNATIONAL

A U.N. team is spending $10 million a year still looking for WMD in Iraq. Apparently O.J. Simpson is planning to join as a consultant just as soon as he finds Nicole's murderers. They'd be better off spending that $10 million trying to find the $9 billion that disappeared there as well. (Jim Barach)

This week, President Bush is at the big G8 Summit in Germany. Many Germans are protesting his visit. See, that's when you know things are bad when the Germans think you're invading too many countries. (Jay Leno)

At the G-8 Summit in Germany, President Bush and world leaders are encircled by an eight-foot-high chain-link fence topped by razor wire. Their three-day meeting could inspire a brand new production of Hogan's Heroes. (Argus Hamilton)

Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about. President Bush is there. See, I don't think President Bush really understands the G8. Every time someone says G8, he yells out, "Bingo." (Jay Leno)

President Bush is out of the country traveling to Europe for the G-8 summit. At one point, protesters got so out of hand, police used a water cannon on them. President Bush did his part by pulling out his Super Soaker. (Conan O'Brien)

The Global Peace Index rates the U. S. in 96th place for peaceful nations, finishing between Yemen and Iran. Ironically, those are two nations at the top of President Bush's list of "Countries to Invade." (Jim Barach)

THE ECONOMY

Today the Dow and the NASDAQ suffered their worst point loss ever. Apparently Bill Gates spent the day designing a Windows product he could jump out of. (Conan O'Brien)

Native American Indian tribes reported income of twenty-six billion dollars last year from gambling revenue. This could be catastrophic. If the Arab countries ever find out there's something more profitable than oil, we'll have to run our cars on spit. (Argus Hamilton)

HEALTH

The Center for Disease Control is predicting a big drop in sexually transmitted diseases. That's because Paris Hilton is in jail. (Alex Kaseberg)

The FDA urged consumers Friday not to buy toothpaste made in China like Doctor Cool toothpaste and Everdent. It contains anti-freeze. Until it's pulled off the shelves you can pretty much assume that the whiter the smile, the drunker the teenager. (Argus Hamilton)

Getting married can have significant psychological benefits for those suffering from depression, according to a study published today in the Journal of Larry King.(Andy Borowitz)

There's a man suing the maker of an energy drink, claiming the drink gave him an endless erection. This means you can sue people who have that kind of effect on you. See you in court, Orlando Bloom. (Craig Ferguson)

Here's some good news? a woman in Milwaukee gave birth to a 13 pound 12 ounce baby girl last week. Thirteen pound 12 ounces. Doctors say the baby will be walking before the mother. (Jay Leno)

Scientists in England announced yesterday that they're on schedule to completely cure blindness within five years. They could actually do it sooner but they want to give eye-seeing dogs plenty of time to find another job. (Pedro Bartes)

THE WEATHER

The Los Angeles area is suffering through a record drought. Everyone is conserving. To cut back on water, Lindsay Lohan will drive with straight Scotch. (Alan Ray)

We've had huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York. Or as Al Gore calls it, global leaking. (David Letterman)

CELEBRITIES

Jack Kevorkian walked out of prison accompanied by Mike Wallace, the only reporter brave enough to go that near the infamous Dr. Death. At 89, Wallace figured he doesn't have much to lose. (Scott Witt)

Fresh out of prison, assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian will join Larry King tonight on CNN. Well, it's good that Kevorkian is immediately going where he's needed most. (Jake Novak)

After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on 'Larry King Live.' When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, "I swear, he was like that when I got here" (Conan O'Brien)

Lindsay Lohan went into rehab Tuesday after a drunk driving arrest. Her studio said they will delay shooting her next movie until she's out. Hollywood is full of actresses who never touched alcohol or drugs but nobody would pay a nickel to see them. (Argus Hamilton)

Lindsay Lohan has blamed paparazzies for her latest problem with the abuse of alcohol and drugs because she cannot live a normal life. She claims that now there's no place to hide from papparazies anymore. The White House immediately decided to launch a special paparazzi unit to find Osama Bin Laden. (Pedro Bartes)

Paula Abdul says she has been diagnosed with RSD- Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, a painful condition. Until now, it was assumed her bizarre behavior was another RSD- Randy, Simon, Drugs. (Jim Barach)

Rosie O'Donnell is coming out with a book titled "Celebrity Detox." Finally, an unrestricted forum where Rosie can say what she really feels without holding back so much. (Alex Kaseberg)

Billy Joel has just bought a new home in the Hamptons. It's the perfect place for Joel as it has 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, and a wrecked 3-car garage. (Jake Novak)

RELIGION

Authorities from Liberty University continue to deny that Falwell's last words were, "I hope Anna Nicole went to Heaven." (Bongo News)

A man in the Vatican tried to leap into Benedict the 16th's Popemobile this morning. That's how you know the price of gas is high. People are trying to carpool with the Pope. (Gorsefeathers)

CULTURE

A Philippines man was shot to death in a Karaoke bar for singing out of tune. In the U.S. that will get you into the finals of "American Idol". (Jim Barach)

HISTORY

Yesterday Americans celebrated the 63rd anniversary of the D-Day, when Americans landed in Normandy and turned the tide of World War II. Actually, for president Bush D-Day was any other day after an exam in school. (Pedro Bartes)

An exhibit at the National Archives shows that not all of our presidents were good students. Lyndon Johnson got a "D" in third grade grammar. John Kennedy got a "55" in 8th grade Latin. George W. Bush proudly displays the "A" he got in coloring. At Harvard. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS

Aviation Weekly said Tuesday airlines may soon charge for blankets and pillows and soft drinks to keep ticket prices low. It's already begun. On Air France they charge you two hundred dollars extra if you want to sit in the non-tubercular section. (Argus Hamilton)

Dell Computers will cut 10% of their work force in the next year. That will come as a major blow to labor officials in India. (Jim Barach)

HIP STUFF!

2007-06-09T06:21:00.000+05:30

Old people keep falling for a variety of reasons. They see things as if through a windshield on a rainy day when the wipers have lost their rubbers. They have creaky joints, powdery bones, and thin muscles to support them, as a result of age-related misuse and disuse. The resultant lack of balance makes them vulnerable to slipping on a bathroom floor or dog poo. It is also important to realise that these often lovable (and sometimes unlovable) ancient relics can lose consciousness for a variety of reasons: cerebral ischemia (called a TIA), heart block, low blood glucose, etc). Once the patient is discovered lying on the floor, they are often unable to say clearly whether they slipped and fell, or flipped and fell! Sometimes, they are picked up from the floor, and carried to bed, where they are kept 'in rest' for a week or more. It is when the patient becomes sick that an alert doc picks up the fracture in the neck of the femur by noting the laterally rotated foot on the bed. This means that when a patient lies flat in bed, normally her great toes would point to the GoogleEarth satellites far overhead. If they point towards the TV or the fridge, the hip is liable to be broken (real medical Holmes stuff, eh?). By the time the fracture is detected, the patient is already having urinary and lung infections, and taking blood-thinners and a dozen different drugs. In short, not the kind of patient an orthopedic surgeon will knife his competitor to take up!
There is evidence that surgery for fixing the broken bones leads to good results, as this excellent summary shows. However, it is important to postpone the surgery for a while to prepare the patient for surgery. Mortality is more if patients are wheeled straight to the operation theater from the Emergency Room. Should we, as our beautiful Nurse asked in her comment, operate on these 'fossils' only to make see them lie in bed, vegetatively incontinent and incoherent? Studies show that while conservative treatment is successful, it leads to longer convalescence and hospitalisation. No surprise, that! The bottomline, in my semi-literate mind, would be that if the patient is demented, incapable of independent activities even at the basic level (eating, cleaning, etc.), or if the medical problems are very severe, they should be spared the rod. I am talking, of course, of the steel that orthopods insert into broken limbs. Only, these days, they are more likely to 'screw' the patients!

THE OFF-DUTY COP

2007-06-08T18:43:00.000+05:30

Thanks, Stan Kegel!

When the cop was off duty, he often hung around bars in the seedier parts of town, listening to rumors and trying to get a sense of what was going on.

One evening a quite stunningly beautiful lady walked in and ordered a drink.

The cop watched her, fascinated that such a comely, well dressed woman would be in a dive like this.

She seemed to notice his stare; she turned and came over to where he sat.

"Can I buy you a drink?" she asked, her azure gaze holding his eyes as though her were hypnotized."S-s-s-sure!" he stammered, not believing his luck. She was gorgeous!

Just then the bartender snorted, "Hey, buddy, that's no lady!" and laughed out loud.

"What?!?" the cop asked, confused.

"Like I said. That's no lady. He's not a woman, either!" the bartender said.

The cop's face turned a deep red as his anger rose. "Why, you... I oughta run you in!" he growled at the "lady".

"For what?" he/she answered, "I haven't done anything illegal, have I?"

"For male fraud!" was the cop's reply. (By Clynch Varnadore)

SAFE SURGERY IN THE ELDERLY

2007-06-08T05:36:00.000+05:30

Here is a very pedestrian article I have written for a senior-specific magazine called Harmony. The article deals with some points that should be known before a geriatric patient proceeds for surgery. There is published literature to support laparoscopic surgery in the elderly, and I believe these old birds don't take big incisions as well as the nicks of minimal access. However, more than the size of the cuts, it is what takes place inside the body (infections, leaks, blood clots, bleeding, etc.) that determines if the elderly patient lives after the surgery. While in most cases of mediocre surgeries, the patient survives in spite of the surgery rather than because of it (because Nature gives us a long rope), the elderly population is a clear exception. Their system is like a house of cards that comes crashing down if the balance is upset.
One thing I have realised in practice is: if you are successful initially operating on a few really sick old folks, you are going to sleep less for the rest of your life. Because the invisible social network of these patients drives more and more geriatric patients to you, crowding out the younger, fitter, easier cases, at least in the third world. If you come to my hospital OPD, you will see barely conscious, silvery hags carried horizontally over half-torn stretchers from hundreds of miles away for really advanced, Middle-Ages-level disease. For example, if you do a lap chole surgery on them, you would have to dissect out almost every upper abdominal organ that is irreversibly stuck on to a tiny, hard, fibrosed nodule that calls itself a gall bladder. If you do a hernia, the patient would look like he had, at some point in his youth, decided to transfer all his bowels from his tummy to a secret place beneath his trousers, and then suddenly, in the twilight of his life, decided that that was ALL that needed fixing in his otherwise perfect life! "Hey, commere, doc, just fix this hernia, will ya? And don't cut me up, d'ya hear? Only the best, latest, painless, bloodless keyhole surgery that you guys are doing these days! I am still getting my pension, so my kids don't want me to die!" Most of the grave 'bearers' of the bad news are very clear that they expect the surgery to take place this afternoon, and the patient should be up and about like a lustful monkey in a couple of days! And, of course, they couldn't possibly spend money on old, dying grandmothers and grandfathers, could they? "Be reasonable, doc! Okay, my maximum budget is ten thousand rupees (around $250)". Anything more than that, they say with their eyes and facial muscles, you will have to pay for, especially if she dies! At least, in my life, this has been my bane, and the reason for the premature greying of what hairs my head still proudly bears! And, of course, a reason for my still being so poor!!

MORE IPHONE ADS

2007-06-07T23:08:00.001+05:30

Here is another provocative iPhone ad.
The limited functionality of the web browsers of the shamefully hung-up and expensive Nokia phones would make any sane, normally demented adult man drool more than he usually does on his piillow at the sight of this kind of functionality of a cell phone device.

How seriously crazy are you for the iPhone? The Unofficial Apple Weblog (TUAW) has put up a list of the price people are willing to pay for the iPhone. I'll pass on most of these, thanks!

But if it is a minor issue of a princes' ransom, I am hoping, some day, to be queueing up for what promises to be the ultimate boy-toy of the year!

BLOG OF THE WEEK

2007-06-06T20:18:00.000+05:30

Here is a really cool blog of a foodie.
The visual layout at Grab Your Fork is outstanding, and I envy the owner for being able to provide such visual honey. As for me, word-heavy and picture-poor, life goes on. Sigh!
PS- I am learning, as you can see now!